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Automatic SI


avoidz
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Hi, new user, old SI. I have self-harmed in escalating ways over a period of 20 years. The last two events have been different. Both times the SI was more an automatic response, a subconsicous reaction in a hyperstress situation.

 

Usually I am quite private about SI. But a recent event was in a public place, in a room with other people. It was a shocking thing to happen, especially to the other people present. I remember reaching for a pen and plunging it into my forearm. The pen tip was hanging in my skin and I was looking at it. I don't remember the next seven puncture wounds. I just sat there, bleeding from my arm while people panicked and staff called an ambulance and the police.

 

It worries me that I am losing control of my SI. Distracting methods may not work if another situation arises where my mind is triggered and I react without being completely aware of what's happening.

 

Any thoughts? Thanks.

Edited by avoidz
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Hi, welcome to CB.

 

This all sounds very frightening... sorry to ask the obvious, but are you getting, or have you ever received, professional input on this?  It seems to me that if it's reached the stage where you're doing this without thinking, there's a whole lot going on inside your head that you might need a therapist's help to unpack.

 

edited for clarity

Edited by miab
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I'm sorry I'm late to this thread. I wanted to ask how you have been since you posted this. Miab is absolutely right: some professional backup at this point could really help. It sounds like you're in a lot of turmoil, and could used some support.

Would it help, do you think, to consider how you have gotten to this point? Was there a catalyst that you recall? Sometimes when I have lashed out at myself without thinking second thoughts, I've later discovered that the distress had been building up for some while, and eventually reached a flash point, or was just tipped over by something that might normally not even register on my radar. I have self-harmed over something as seemingly innocuous as listening to people arguing outside, just because I was overwhelmed for a moment.

Regardless, please know you aren't by yourself with this. You can come here and seek out support anytime. It sounds like what happened was scary and unnerving.

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