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I'm exhausted... 

 

I think I have given up long ago. 

 

I think about death a lot. I don't want to die... I don't. But everything seems pointless and hopeless and etc. etc...

 

Every waking moment is painful.

 

I think about going back into treatment for my conditions but than it all falls back onto the thought and feeling that it's pointless and hopeless any ways.

 

I'm having an extremely difficult time with working. People are noticing more. One girl even pokes fun at me for how slow I walk and they talk about me behind my back. But I'm so damn empty that I don't give a shit about anything.

 

Driving is hard too. I dissociate a lot and forget what I am doing or where I am. It's scary. And everything suddenly becomes too intense... the lights, noise, visuals... so intensely painful...

 

 

 

I don't even know where I'm going with this post.

Edited by surreal
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Everything you have said is understandable, I have felt this, so many of us are with you in that shitty place. I can really hear the frustration and sadness behind the depression. I wish I could take the suffering away.

As you might realize in the better moments, depression lies to you. It is pernicious enough to appear with lies as well as the symptoms. So feeling like you are flawed, doomed, hopeless, always going to feel this, undeserving of any better, that is those lies. They feel very real. But they are not true.

With my own experiences with depression, there are cycles. Sometimes I have to fight with taking positive babysteps and reach out. Sometimes I gave done so much of that I have to rest ky body and kind and be really kind to myself. Whichever, I stay in contact with someone I trust to check in with.

I will ask the question, are you having suicidal thoughts and are you safe?

Edited by Titania
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In the recent past you have mentioned the limits of your food choices secondary to financial constraints. Perhaps, just perhaps, one small factor in your exhaustion is not having adequate nutrition from a variety of foods, especially fresh fruits and vegetables.

 

It has been my experience that there is a cycle that spirals tighter and tighter: depression->poor dietary choices->deeper depression->inadequate nutrition->depression approaches being out of control->insufficient food alternatives->depression.

 

It is a truism that without at least a modicum of physical well-being it is difficult, at best, to engage in good mental hygiene and self-care.

 

While a good diet and adequate exercise will not cure mental distress, they can go a long way toward creating a foundation upon which therapy and medication can begin to alleviate the symptoms.

 

Best wishes.

 

ADDENDUM: I so want to say, "You are too young to give up", however I will refrain and encourage you to keep a diary and to return to therapy ASAP.

Edited by Indigo 'n dye
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I hope you are able to stay safe while driving. Please be very careful. You do not want to hurt yourself or someone else.

 

I still think getting back into treatment would give you hope and help you out a great deal. Even if it is therapy alone until you/your pdoc is ready to try meds if he/'she deems it appropriate.

 

Take care.

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I agree with some of the other posters that have suggested getting care.  It is not too late and it is not hopeless.  I know that feeling of walking as though you're waste high in sludge and not knowing if you can take another step.  That feeling of absolute exhaustion that fills your body and your brain.  Please contact your pdoc and/or tdoc.

 

I am very concerned about you driving while dissociated.  Can someone else drive you to work?

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I agree with Indigo, fruit and vegetables are really important to your energy levels. Is there a farmers' market near you? Veggies and fruit are so much less expensive, and taste better than what you get in a store. When I was a very poor law student, I was lucky to have a farmers' market on the plaza right in front of my dorm twice a week.

 

And here's a secret: Once you become a "regular" at a particular booth, they give you stuff for free, something they hope you buy in the future. But there are no hard feelings if you don't. I got to try about 10 types of mushrooms I had never heard of (and some I haven't seen since) because I am obsessed with mushrooms, and was on a first name basis with the mushroom farmers.

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IDK, you sound beyond fruits and veggies to me. Change your current unmedicated status. It takes a call to the doctor's office. An appointment. Get someone to drive you. Have them take you to the pharmacy afterwards. Hopefully, in a few weeks you'll find the energy and desire to follow up on your own care. Maybe try therapy then, too. And, yeah, fruits, veggies, exercise wouldn't be a bad idea, either, but I don't think they are going to improve your situation enough. You sound pretty dire. Been there. Did that for years. Wasted years. You have a life to live and enjoy. Call the doc.

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Thanks for the tips AnneMarie. You do realize that depression can be addressed on multiple levels, right? I don't believe anyone was saying to skip the psychiatric care, and to just eat his(?) wheaties. Surreal is completely unmedicated, so self-care, including nutrition, is just good practice while awaiting a pdoc appt. Exercise is useful, too, yet is also not medication.

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Thanks for the tips AnneMarie. You do realize that depression can be addressed on multiple levels, right? I don't believe anyone was saying to skip the psychiatric care, and to just eat his(?) wheaties. Surreal is completely unmedicated, so self-care, including nutrition, is just good practice while awaiting a pdoc appt. Exercise is useful, too, yet is also not medication.

 

I am pretty sure that I said good nutrition and exercise were good ideas, too. And therapy.

 

I particularly noted the unmedicated status.

 

So you know, I specifically phrased things the way I did to emphasize that a pdoc and meds are in order because I didn't see that emphasis anywhere else on this thread. Still don't.

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In all of surreal's posts over the last years, she has been urged to make and keep her appointments, to fill her prescriptions and to take them; to establish a relationship with a therapist.

 

The same advice over and over. She has a long history to taking meds for a short time and them discontinuing them without seeking input from her docs. She understands, as expressed in other recent topics that she needs to be in therapy and take meds.

 

I am not sure how much _good_ emphasizing pdoc and meds can do for her. How many times can the same suggestions be made before they become rote and dismissed out-of-hand?

 

I have empathy for her, and for her situation, and only wish her the best. Thus, my suggestion to make some dietary changes as a foundation...

 

ETA: 

AnneMarie, I am, I admit, at a loss at how to proceed from this point...do I put surreal on "ignore" and not respond to her posts or blogs? I have clearly reached a point where repeating. "See your pdoc, get medicated, get involved in therapy..." is non-productive from every POV, or do I pat her on the back and tell her how sorry I am and how worried I am about her?

 

Frankly, those options seem far too much like enabling, and enabling is, in my life and my philosophy of life, anathema.

Obviously, my current, "You need to learn to take care of yourself, physically and mentally" is viewed as inadequate...I guess that I should simply have continued my hiatus, eh?

 

Edited by Indigo 'n dye
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