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Hello Everyone,

I'm glad I found this place. I was surprised to read that no trigger warnings were necessary... and relieved. I am a member of another support forum for survivors of abuse, different name, and there I have to use trigger warnings.

 

I am a survivor of childhood abuse by my mother, father, and older brother. Both my mother and brother were/are narcissists. My father was/is (do not know whether he is dead or alive) a psychopath/narcissist. I grew up with my mother and stepdad and brothers. I don't have contact with my family.

 

My father was/is a serial killer and forced me to watch him commit many gruesome, protracted, and systematic murders of innocent people, mostly children. He was/is a pedophile. He abused me too. The first time I witnessed one of his horrific crimes, I was three years old. As a child I was forced to visit my father through an agreement which he made with my mother. I no longer have contact with him.

 

For the first time since I started to remember what happened to me 25 years ago, I started seeing a psychiatrist. I resisted seeing one for all those years because my first therapist tried to get me committed against my will. She thought I was screwed up because of the first memory I shared about being three years old and seeing this "crazy man" murder two people.

 

Recently, I started with my fifth therapist. 

 

As a result of everything I experienced in my mind-fuck of a childhood and my fucked up marriage of 28 years, I suffer from PTSD, DID (mostly integrated), depression, anxiety, dermatillomania, and hypothyroidism (I've been told more than once that long term, severe abuse messes up your immune system.)

 

I hope to find a place here where I can heal from the atrocities I've witnessed.

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Hey. Welcome to CB :)

I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm glad that you've found us.

I'd be curious about your experiences with integration, if you don't mind. It's something that has been contentious here (for ourselves) as of late. I also find it easier to not have trigger warnings littering up the joint.

Looking forward to seeing your posts around.

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Hey. Welcome to CB :)

I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm glad that you've found us.

I'd be curious about your experiences with integration, if you don't mind. It's something that has been contentious here (for ourselves) as of late. I also find it easier to not have trigger warnings littering up the joint.

Looking forward to seeing your posts around.

Hello WinterRosie,

My integration occurred over about 10 years. Less and less I needed to protect my inner circles of alters and they integrated into each other. As the me that is I strengthened, I found I no longer needed alters to protect me.

 

This is how I explained it to someone else on a different forum:

 

 

I had the same thing with alters "going" and then returning. I think they never went anywhere except to leave the outward position for a while. I had many times where I believed all was healed and integrated only to find more memories and alters.

 

I think the paradigm shift changed a lot within my system; I no longer needed to protect myself from threats. As the only true threat had been my father and his possible kidnapping me. The shift was gradual over several years. 

 

Five years later my mother died and I noticed no alters around. It was as if the last person who tried to keep me from telling the truth was gone out of my life. And within a few months after her death I had a flooding of memories. I did not notice any switching of alters.

 

I have a problem right now with a therapist (4th therapist and not current one). I fully expected to see some unraveling of alters. Nope. Although my anxiety level is high, I have not seen any new alters, something which used to happen all the time, or emerging of present alters. I do believe I have some alters though not many. Or maybe the alternate of me? My current T does not think I have any. More like now I am left with the PTSD and no alters. So everything is in my face in terms of emotions and feelings.

 

When I found the core, I found an alter named Me. At first I thought that was “me.” Inside me there were lots of twin alters. This came about through the abuse my father perpetrated on me.

-----

 

The paradigm shift was accepting my father as my biological father. It was a huge step within me and altered so much of my life and who I was. The day was my 52nd birthday and I finally accepted I had a different father. From that day forward, I slept with my light off at night. For 42 years I had slept with my light on at night. I was terrified of a mystery man (my father) finding me.

 

 

I will say I heard a child's voice speak to me from within about something they saw their 'daddy' doing. This is a new memory.

 

 

And I started with many alters, lots of fragments with bits and pieces of memories and/or feelings/emotions. I had groups of alters blocking and/or protecting other groups of alters. It was crowded in my mind for years before integration started to happen.

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