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How much love does your child give you?


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My daughter and I have a very close relationship...she and I are together when I am not working every waking moment, I tell her I love her and I show her. She hasn't seen her bio-father since March, which is the same month my fiance and I moved in together. (just a back story)

 

My daughter in the past in the past month started hugging, kissing me and telling me she loves me up to 30 times a day (no exaggerating here!) She isn't crying for me to sleep with her, but I can't get her at times to leave me alone, other times she is in her room playing with her dollhouse for 3-4 hours, but she will come down every 20 min still to say she loves me, hug me and kiss my cheek. I take her to a tdoc for the abuse she witnessed and went through, her bio-father liked to throw stuff at her, he beat me. I don't ever lay a hand on her, I punish by taking things away or grounding her.

 

Is it weird? Just a phase? Does she feel insecure maybe? I just am not sure that this is normal...maybe it is and I am reading too much into it...but I dunno.

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I have never been a parent, so what I say is hardly gospel. But I can see how recent events might be making her anxious. Again, I am not a parent, so I am going to say what I think, and you can scoff at me, and that is totally fine.

 

I think she thinks her father "disappeared" and was "replaced" by a "new" father. She has been processing this for a few months. Now it occurs to her that if it could happen to her "old" father, could it happen to her mother? One way of making sure that doesn't happen is checking where you are all the time, so you can't disappear without warning. Another thing is, what if her dad left because he didn't love her? What if you don't love her? Could you disappear and be replaced by a new mommy? If so, is that because she is a bad girl? Maybe if she tells you she loves you and hugs you as often as possible, you won't go away.

 

Again, my opinion, I don't have children, roll your eyes if necessary.

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I have never been a parent, so what I say is hardly gospel. But I can see how recent events might be making her anxious. Again, I am not a parent, so I am going to say what I think, and you can scoff at me, and that is totally fine.

 

I think she thinks her father "disappeared" and was "replaced" by a "new" father. She has been processing this for a few months. Now it occurs to her that if it could happen to her "old" father, could it happen to her mother? One way of making sure that doesn't happen is checking where you are all the time, so you can't disappear without warning. Another thing is, what if her dad left because he didn't love her? What if you don't love her? Could you disappear and be replaced by a new mommy? If so, is that because she is a bad girl? Maybe if she tells you she loves you and hugs you as often as possible, you won't go away.

 

Again, my opinion, I don't have children, roll your eyes if necessary.

 

No eye rolling, I thought that it may be that but I was also thinking it was normal. 

Considering right now she has a lock on my legs and won't let go and keeps kissing my legs, you are more than likely right. Her tdoc I think is ignoring my concerns, I don't sit in, and I tell her everything that goes on. Or what if the tdoc mentioned something to make her think I could leave too, which of course will never happen. 

 

I have to figure out how to make her know, I am going no where, make sure she knows she is number one.

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phase. you're stressing too much. Try and not grill your daughter as to what goes on in session.  If she wants to share, great, if not don't worry about it.  She probably feels threatened by you moving someone into the house.  Set some ground rules.  Regardless of what went on with your ex -  he was a jerk - whatever.  To this little girl, dad moved out and another man moved in. plain and simple.  She's trying to process.

 

I am recently divorced. Two girls ages 12 and 14.  One would really flip if I moved another man into the house.  I am not currently in a relationship - I don't need the drama. My 12 year old is trying to process her dad's relationship with the girlfriend and the divorce.  I have her in therapy.  I know that she would feel threatened and worried about being abandoned if I brought another male into the house. In therapy, abandonment is one of her fears, mainly from her sister and I, her dad, her friends etc.

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my kiddo is 9 and is quite attached. He has so much unconditional love and now that hubby has switched to overnights, he's even more attached to me and begs me not to go to work. He always wants to spend time with us, he got anxious/upset this past summer because he'd be without us when we told him he'd be going to day camp for a week. He is currently going to be seeing the therapist (well, social worker) he saw when I was in and out of the hospital and need some extra support, again, and I hope she can work through some of his anxiety with him.

 

In short, I think the attachment thing is a phase, at least for my kiddo...

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When I left my ex, I moved in with my mother, it was some place "safe" for her, she had me, my mom, my brother and my sister was there every day. I waited for my fiance and I to move in until I felt ready, and my daughter. I waited a while before they even met. Also I must add, my fiance is like never here, he is a student in nursing school, he takes care of his dying parents and MI sister, he has 2 jobs...she hardly sees him now, it was more often before, he typically gets home after she is in bed, she has grown very attached to him, which is what worries me, not that there is anything wrong with it, just maybe him not being here too much now may have something to do with it. We do have days we do things, like go to the zoo, the science center, the park, but it is 2x a month at most because he is so busy.

 

We have a strict routine, boundaries and rules, she knows the rules and she follows the rules 90% of the time. She did start a new school this year, she had an issue with bullies at the last school, I am wondering if that may have a tad bit to do with what is going on with her. I keep out of what goes on in session, I don't want to pry and I asked not to be in the room so she isnt filtering. 

 

Maybe I am just paying too much attention, my mother was a horrible parent and bad things happened because she didnt pay attention so I am aware that I do over-analyze. Maybe I am just paranoid, but with everything, I guess I thought it was a good idea to get some other POV

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  • 5 months later...

I can only speak from experience. I am not a parent. I am a child of a traumatized mother who was coerced into keeping the baby by ill educated nurses and doctors. She was forced to have a medieval c-section due to our poverty and shitty healthcare. They gave her over a foot long scar. She was awake during part of it. She remembers them pushing fat back into her. Probing and prodding her. She was in labor for 3 days. They kept sending her back home saying she wasn't dialated enough and they couldn't do anything at all. She was scared. I was an unwanted pregnancy. My mom tried really hard to escape the trauma of her childhood only to find it all over again. My grandma on my dads side is my grandpas daughter.  I lost consciousness. She lost consciousness. And they made her nurse me. She didn't think I'd remember a lot. I grew up with a lot of different men when she got tired. And I came from one of those really old fashioned families on both sides. All confederates. I actually believe I have memories of the civil war and other things. And the creepiest part about it, is that later on in life when I looked into my dreams and the people I thought were inside of me, there was much validity to it. Records. I remember south carolina. Indiana. Washington. But in THIS life I've never been these places...and people always said I was crazy and shit. Throughout my life I noticed a pattern of her lashing out at me when I frustrated her. And as a young buck, I really internalized it all. She'd threaten to kill me. I remember being smothered in the mattress and the box spring. Locked in dark rooms. She was only doing what she learned. And struggling to have trust in the government because of the harm they had caused her family at times. Or the perceived harm. That's debatable. And there was always this pattern of me trying to kill myself, and her trying to leave me at the hospital. Over. Over. Over. Because I think deep down that was what we needed. There is no guarantee I would have grown up better to have been adopted. And there is no saying with education and health care and a better community that it couldn't have gotten a lot better. Sometimes she'd say stuff like why don't I kill us both. She tried to kill herself. She'd beg me not to get her help. I'd beg FOR help. I cut myself. I tried to tell county and school officials. It just kept getting covered up. I didn't want to live with my mom. But whenever I'd get taken away, she'd just threaten to kidnap me. I think she was really torn between the love she wanted to give me, and her own limitations. I grew up in a very rural area. I had recurring nightmares growing up. I was very attached to my mom. Much like your daughter, I would not let her breathe. I wanted to cling onto the love. But it was just too much for her...she had nobody to love her. She was one of 11 kids. And my dad was pretty much the same kind of crazy trauma. Forced to have sex with his sister by his parents. Still married to her the first 2 years of my life, actually. And my mom figured she could just hide it all from me. I didn't know I had a sister, but I remembered her as soon as I saw her. I remembered things people said I was just too young to remember. And rather than just talk to me about it, I kind of just got shut out by the only people who could confirm such things. I was afraid my mom was going to leave me too. And she kept trying. There was no help for her. And for that I feel tremensly sad. Growing up, I just hated her. How could you not love me? How can you treat me like this? And I just got more angry and hard to control. So i raised myself, coming back only when she felt guilty...because there was never anywhere to place me.
And I was always villainized. So I played the victim. I wanted to be my own hero...but I failed. I mean between shetler, temp foster care, etc. They always returned me to my mom. I never really realized until 20 or so that my mom was a victim too. She lost her mom due to an ugly battle with cancer when she was 18. Moved up here to take care of her dad. And my uncle jeremy, who had shot himself in the head but survived. She was forced to work. And I had nowhere to go. I was too young to go with. It wasn't alright...but she was trying to do what was best for me. her. her family. there was no winning. Jeremy successfully killed himself. My grandpa died. And in the midst of all my moms grief, I felt like I could not tell her about my molestation. And the pattern doesn't stop. My first boyfriend who was 17 when I was 13. Sexual abuse. Rape. And during it all, my mom was so excited she found love. She had a fiance. She was going to have another baby. And my aunt had an aneurysm. Stroke. Alcohol withdrawls that caused seizures. So much. I was there for all that too. I was there for everything fucking bad because my mom couldn't just leave me...and it's hard not to ruminate over it all in my head now...
We tried to take care of my aunt. And the things I heard on the baby monitor when her abusive boyfriend would come visit.
We fought so hard to keep her safe from him. But it was also exhausting...and she kept insisting she wanted to go live with him. Nobody cared that she had a huge TBI. Nobody cared that he was stealing her money. He was stealing her social security. He was buying motorcycles and cars. And physically, emotionally, and sexually abusing her. I didn't know who to tell. I told agencies. I...fuck. idk. It was heartbreaking. She didn't shower or bathe in over a year...he'd throw her around when she was left side paralyzed. He left her in the hospital. but kept coming back. ughk.
Then he found a mistress and kicked her out.
And that was the only way I could convince a single soul to help me pay for CNA training
Nobody could help me when I was hurt
It goes on and on
The story doesn't end well for me
I hope it's nothing like that for you
You are in a world of expanded consciousness and opportunity
And I grew up with law enforcement officials raised in the same conditions that had traumatized me
They here hesitant to get involved in private mannners
But I was not baptized
And that was not religion
It WAS abuse
And all I ever wanted was a home where people could AFFORD to care

just my two cents

 

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