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Good, yet morbid (Warning: Possible triggers)


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So I have a strange question but I feel it's safer to ask when I'm NOT feeling suicidal. But it's a weird thing nonetheless but just wanted to say up front that I'm not glorifying suicide by any means. I'm looking to see if people understand these conflicted feelings.

When I get depressed, it's all consuming. I won't get out of bed, I drink a lot and feel like a loser over it, I skip school and work and am just worthless. Then there's times like now, where I'm not depressed. Things are looking up. Things are going well at work, I'm about to start the next semester at college, I'm enjoying reading and gaming. And yet...sometimes I have flashes of a desire to kill myself because I'm afraid to lose this happy feeling. I understand being worried that good things will shatter, but I literally sometimes think I'm better off dying while happy, instead of going through misery again. And although I feel healthy, am I actually still really messed up because I occasionally feel this way? Has anyone felt this? It seems to make no sense!

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It makes sense to me.  Depression is such a powerful form of suffering that, even when happy, we are scheming and dreaming of ways to avoid ever going back there. 

 

For me, it's like I want a guarantee that I will never be back in the Pit again.  The suicidal thoughts when I feel happier arise out of a deep fear of having all that is good and pleasant slip away. 

 

The best cure for this I have found is to practice mindfulness and to remind myself that if/when I fall back down again, I'll get through it just like I have all of the other times in the past.

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