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Broke down


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I finally broke down and did it. After holding off since the spring, I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't even wait until I get home...I couldn't even wait to leave work. I haven't felt anything in days and I thought it would jump start my emotions but it didn't, at least not in the way I was looking for. Now I'm still numb but with a new scar that I'll have to explain away. And the worst part is, I don't know that I won't do it again...the only real thing keeping me from doing it is having to come up with a lie to explain where it came from.

 

I don't know where that leaves me.

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I'm sorry that self harm seemed like the thing that would be most helpful in the moment.

 

Recovery is a process, and sometimes on epic journeys there are setbacks, detours, landslides, and donkeys that drink water with dysentery in it.

 

Doing behaviors we don't want to do is a good opportunity to look at where our supports and coping strategies failed us and how we could shore them up for next time.

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I'm really sorry to hear you ended up SI'ing. That's a crappy feeling, for sure. But, like Woo said, perhaps you can try to look at why this happened and how you can prevent it in the future. 

 

When I have relapsed, I ask myself:

 

Was there an identifiable trigger? Was it many triggers?

 

Who do I have that can support me through this, and how can I ask for their help next time?

 

Try picking apart the thoughts that led up to SI'ing. It's a CBT technique. Identify the distorted thoughts, and try to make reasonable, honest answers to them. Write down the answers and then refer back to them when you feel the urge to SI.

 

Is there anything I feel comfortable doing to keep myself safe next time? (Getting rid of tools, removing yourself from the situation, calling a crisis line)

 

Good luck, and just remember, relapse is part of recovery. Again, I'm really sorry you felt bad enough that you SI'ed.

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Thanks Woo and Para for your encouragement. It really meant a lot to me.

 

I guess this all goes back to this belief of mine that I'm a bad person, a belief that I've been unable to shake for a long time. That's my biggest trigger and as satisfying as the cutting may feel, it's also like I'm punishing myself for being that bad person I'm convinced I am. I've been working on it with my therapist but it's really slow going, and I find that a lot of times when I make some progress, something like this happens and I have to start over. Very disappointing.

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Thanks Woo and Para for your encouragement. It really meant a lot to me.

 

I guess this all goes back to this belief of mine that I'm a bad person, a belief that I've been unable to shake for a long time. That's my biggest trigger and as satisfying as the cutting may feel, it's also like I'm punishing myself for being that bad person I'm convinced I am. I've been working on it with my therapist but it's really slow going, and I find that a lot of times when I make some progress, something like this happens and I have to start over. Very disappointing.

 

I don't think you necessarily have to start over completely. It might feel like you're back at square one, but really you aren't. You can use this as a way to further explore why you feel like a bad person, why you felt the need to SI, and to just learn about yourself and your behaviour in general. All that time from the spring until now is not erased. You still have all that experience fighting the urges, that you can put to use next time. I firmly believe you do not have to start over. Yes, it's disappointing, and I'm really sorry this happened. It feels like shit to do this to yourself when you've worked so hard for so long. But try to be gentle with yourself. You must have been in a really bad place to consider SI'ing. You deserve love and compassion for yourself during this time. 

 

I used to cut to punish myself and I thought I deserved it. Some things that helped me realize that I didn't deserve it were self-care activities. So, when I wanted to cut, I'd do something nice for myself instead. I'd rub some nice smelling lotion on the area I wanted to cut, I'd take a bubble bath (with no razors present) and relax, get outside and do something fun, like going for a walk, playing with my cats, talking to my friends etc. Something really powerful (and difficult at first) can be writing down all the reasons you are worthy of love, compassion and kindness. You can start with simply "I deserve not to be hurt." That's something everyone deserves. Then, as you progress, you can get more personal. One of my affirmations is "I am kind and compassionate to other people in my life. I will try to show that same kindness and compassion to myself in times of stress." Try to avoid 'should' statements, like "I should be more compassionate." 'Should' statements tend to breed guilt. 

 

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, and good luck exploring your feeling like a bad person with your therapist. We are here to listen if you need us. :)

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I made myself a playlist of songs for those times.

I start it off with something that makes me think. Eminem rock bottom.helps then end on something goofy like just a song by operator please.

I find it helps to start at umm rock bottom and build myself to silly ness. Another good one that helps me a lot is standing outside the fire by garth brooks.

I use this with a walk. I find a half hour of activity especially outdoors hwlps a lot. Also the play list stops it from just walking and ignoring whats going on. I find my best therapy time is walking and in my own head.

Sometimes being in my own head doesnt work. Try to identify when you need in your yead and when you need out.

Remember glass half full,glass half empty, and glass full 50% water 50% air

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