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How do you feel when you are psychotic?


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I hate it, my halluzinations are just no fun, hearing voices, getting visits from Death and then the vivid nightmares: re-living your own death every night is just no fun. Psychosis is my personal hell. I reckon it depends entirely on the kind of halluzinations one gets, if mine were any good, I'd feel very different about it.

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It can feel enjoyable to me too.  I think I have special talents and that people are following me for positive reasons.  I find it seductive. But, when I start coming out of it I get scared and confused.  Not sure what to believe and realizing how bizarre my thoughts had been.

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Well, I am told I am actively experiencing psychotic symptoms, so I don't really know any other way of feeling. I don't remember ever NOT being this way I suppose.

 

I experience a hellish amount of paranoia. I am scared of other people so much so that I fear they are trying to exploit, poison, hurt me etc...

 

I feel like I am being monitored and like there are hidden messages in a lot of places for the special mission I am on (I don't know what my mission is yet).

 

My mind seems blank a lot too. I can stare off into space for a long time without blinking.

 

I want relief from these symptoms. I don't enjoy this.

Edited by surreal
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Gut wrenching, paralizung fear and paranoia.  Not fun... When I was a teen I had more hallucinations.. they werent always negative.  Sometimes they would sing to me lol  Now I have less hallucinations, unless Im super tired or stressed, and more paranoia/delusions. 

 

Its hard to keep a conversation going. Impossible.  I will be in the middle of ranting off about something then all my thoughts fall out of my brain.  Thats ultra annoying.

 

So, yeah, I guess for me its constant fear and anxiety. 

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Depends if I'm manic, depressed or no mood. While I was manic I enjoyed my delusions. I truly thought I was the next big thing in art, that I was going to change the world for the positive. That everyone on Earth would know me because I was so famous. I thought I was making hundreds of million dollars. Also that I was the best speaker in the world that I would make millions from that. In fact because of that delusion I joined Toastmasters. I started speaking at autism conferences. Before the manic episode I was terrified of speaking in front of people and thought I would never want to speak in front of a crowd. It is because of this manic episode that I speak in autism conferences. In the autism world I am famous to some degree but not to the point of delusion. I mean at autism conferences when I sell my art I always have at least one person that has heard of me, even in places far away from where I live. But I never made hundreds of millions of dollars, that was a delusion while manic. You can see in my pictures when I am manic the colors are overly bright. 

 

Now in normal mood or in depression psychosis is the total opposite. A living nightmare. Hearing command hallucinations telling me to kill or self injure. Having delusions that sound bizarre to others. Sometimes I get depersonalization. Nothing feels real to me. It feels like I am inside a nightmare, but others tell me that I'm awake. Seeing demons everywhere and aliens and even government agents who are following me. Having a mission to accomplish that would put me in harms way. I still feel like doing that mission. The only time I do that is when the government has full control over my body. It actually feels like I have no control over my movements. A loud voice screams into my ears telling me why I have to do this mission. In crowded places I hear my name constantly inside other's conversations plotting what to do. There's a lot more to tell but I won't say any more here, its just to bizarre and scary. 

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I have, for me, what would've been to me before it happened, unfathomably rich experiences. I wpuld never have anticipated my head could just explode the way it did and does. When it's bad, yes, that includes the nightmare part and the things i do in response to the dehumanizing feeling bits are demoralizing to recall. But for me it isnt exclusively that. It also becomes a comfort when it goes on for years. There are signs pointing to this and everything is talking to me. I have more people in the world. Yes, they end up spying on me before turns out they never existed at all. But I'm important and part if massive projects and the universe is specifically resting on whether I interpret the symbols properly and do my work by following orders.

Yeah, shit gets way fucked up, especially when they're trying to stabilize me, and I get really activated to take device removal action and so forth, but it's also the sole thing I've had going on that is always feels like i fit into. It's clear communication and elaborate and it's an entire world that makes sense to me and where i always make sense. There is no formal thought disorder and no trappings of insight that make it questionable. There's are also no negative symptoms and if you ever have those along with straight being unable to piece together, much less say, a proper sentence that's so much more my nightmare to have that ceaselessly.

Whether demonic or conspiratorial or fantastic and purposeful it all makes more sense to me than PHP and IOP and programs and living practical self care life. I really do get how it could be interesting and I can also imagine how mood issues could exacerbate certain elements to make things euphoric or dysphoric as despite my not having that I have been very close to someone of that flavor. And even me, eithout the mood parts, right up until it upends me and I'm barricading self in house and screaming at walks and so forth, there's a logic to everything. Even then there kinda is its just unpleasant but if you're operating under my frameworks even my paranoia makes sense to me and whatever im doing is the thing that needs doing. But then it's also "bizarre" and i decompensate quickly and make zero fucking sense with most things I'm saying because i get so disjointed and I have a lot of trouble with the most basic self care and i feel like it must be incredibly difficult and freaky for all those around me. I only start to see the maladaptive nature of it once the injections have really started working.

Edited by mellifluous
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What some of you have described is just horrible, I guess I am lucky. Mine was paranoia I thought I was going to jail and I needed to stay in the psych ward forever to avoid it.

But it also made me feel special that I was notorious, I thought everyone was out to get me and I peiced together all these subtle clues from the past 10 years that hinted I was being investigated.

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I think I get your point, ScrambleHead. I think.

 

Psychosis is inherently scary for me, the most horrible experience I have ever had was my first time being psychotic. The second most horrible experience I have ever had was surely my second (major, meaning I needed hospitalization) psychotic episode a few weeks ago. Still, after a few weeks have passed from being in a psychiatric ward and once the fog of the anti-psychotics dissipates a bit (I always plead with my psychiatrists to lower my meds doses and they have always agreed to it after some time passes) I feel very depressed and anhedonia takes over me; which is awful because if I can't enjoy anything I do then life becomes dull, boring, sad... and many other synonyms. This, in turn, leads to me sort of missing being psychotic, I know it was something horrible, I remember the fear, but still somehow miss (not sure if that is the right word) being psychotic as it made me feel special, it gave meaning to life and I was so sure of some things, whereas now I just doubt everything.

 

[EDIT: btw I have read something very similar to this somewhere else here on CB, don't wanna look for it now, but will post the link here if I stumble upon it again]

Edited by Lemmiwinks
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This, in turn, leads to me sort of missing being psychotic, I know it was something horrible, I remember the fear, but still somehow miss (not sure if that is the right word) being psychotic as it made me feel special, it gave meaning to life and I was so sure of some things, whereas now I just doubt everything.

 

I can relate to this.  I am almost past thinking like this because I remember (some things, not all) and realize how I cant believe I actually believed these things, and how humiliating it is to think about what I did when I was psychotic.  And I never want to be like that again.  Part of me wants to go back to that time, but with a small memory I totally change my mind.

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95% of the time I felt terrible. The voices were cruel, unrelenting, and scary. Most of the auditory hallucinations were the voices of people that I knew, so I had a difficult time when I was around people and they were out of eyesight.I couldn't tell if what I was hearing were people actually talking about me or hallucinations. I was suspicious of everyone. I was paranoid and full of conspiracy theories.

 

I did have a few positive experiences though. When I attempted suicide, I had researched a medication that was supposed to speed up the abdorption of the pills I was taking. The voices told me to take more of the medication that was supposed to speed up the absorption of the other pills, so I took the whole jar. What it actually ended up doing was making me vomit endlessly. Knowing that I probably didn't have enough pills left inside me to die and not wanting to be miserable with organ damage, I called 911. The voice saved my life. The next day in the ICU, the voices were comforting me and telling me jokes. The the voices told me that it wasn't God's will for me to die. That I wasn't to attempt suicide ever again, that God would take my life when he decided it was time. The voices said it was my job to do God's will and that God's will for me was to be sober and to help other people. That was a major moment for me. I finally understood that suicide wasn't an option and felt confident in my sobriety. I feel those voices weren't hallucinations but spiritual messages form an angel. I definietly had a spiritual awakening after that. That happened in early 2007. I never attempted suicide again, even though I felt suicidal at times. I always got help right away when I started to feel that way.

 

Another positive experience I had was when the voices told me that my grandfather was going to die a month before his death. It's like they were preparing me. The day he died they comforted me and told me that he was finally at peace, and he was with his family again in heaven. It was the voice of his mother and sister ( who had died a long time ago). They said they were happy to be with him and that he was watching over me. Again, I don't think this was a hallucination. I think it was a spiritual message.

 

As important as though positive experiences were, I'm really glad that the voices have gone away and that I haven't been psychotic for the last year and a half.

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