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slowly disassociating

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since being widowed five years ago,

i've had a handful of females come sniffing around.

it's been pointed out to me that i went out of my way to sabotage every potential relationship...

and i'd agree with that.

i think my underlying or subconscious reasoning was anyone desperate enough to be interested in me deserves to be punished.

very distorted thinking,

i know.

so i put an end to it...

just over a year now since my last entanglement,

and it feels right.

flash forward to this past summer...

i've flip-flopped back and forth from being able to play in a live band to not wanting to leave the basement.

and that's where i am right now...

bottomed out,

and thinking of pulling the plug on literally the last two friendships i have left.

i'm just exhausted from trying to fake it,

and i have a great deal of guilt and embarrassment from being a constant concern to them...

i've become a liability to anyone who gets near me.

it would be incredibly easy to do...

in fact,

i don't think i'd have to do anything...

just shut the fuck up and stay the fuck home.


not certain why i posted this,

as it's not really a question of any sort...

just me mumbling all over the internet.


if you have done so,

thanks for reading.

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I can't pretend to understand what it's like to lose someone like you have but it sounds to me like you hate yourself. You can't understand how anyone can be interested in you because you're just a liability, and you want to cut yourself off from everyone and just disappear. These things I can understand and I wish I had an answer. Anyone who likes Nick Drake can't be that bad a person.

Edited by Fugazi
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you are both astonishingly accurate,

except i have no intent of hurting my friends...

my perception is that i am more trouble than i am worth.


i think that their only interest in and/or concern for me is because of my status as a single parent.

they love my daughter,

and deservedly so...

she's the only person that gives me a reason to get out of bed.

but i'm hyperaware of the fact that i'm not always presenting a good example of how to deal with any sort of obstacle,

mental or otherwise.


in my mind,

i'm a liability to her as well,

although i try like hell to be a good dad...

that's all i want to be.

but i sincerely appreciate your second and third opinions...

god knows i need them,

because i rarely trust my own!

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