Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

Three months before Christmas last year, one of my dogs acquired what is referred to a 'doggie aids.' The actual disease is a tick borne illness. He lost over 40 pounds in three months and died a horrible death on Christmas Day. 

 

During my dog's protracted illness, I was triggered and had frequent flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and images come to me about my father's abuse. One of the symptoms of the tick borne illness was bleeding. This triggered me the most with disturbing images of my father using knives. I cringed whenever the images bombarded me.

 

After my dog's death, I slipped into a suicidal depression and slowly went down hill. I was not even aware of how bad off I was until I decided it was necessary to see a pdoc. It was the first time in my life to see one. It took three months to see the pdoc during which time I thought I would go off the deep end.

 

My dog's death and how he died reminded me of the abuse and deaths my father forced me to watch. It struck a chord deep within me about the intense emotions I carried inside me. I kept repeating to myself, 'this will be my undoing.' I understood what that meant. I would start to grieve everything which happened to me. 

 

Though... I feel stuck in the muck and mire of depression and I hate it. I hate that feeling of not being able to move past this.

 

My therapist asked me to write down my feelings. I thought I had none. Tons emerged. Mostly rage and sadness. I misunderstood his assignment. He wanted me to write down how I felt when a memory emerged. So the next week I tried that and found I could not shut off the memory. Once the door opened up I was forever reliving bits and pieces of the memories and not being able to shut the door again. The feelings kept coming; terrified, overwhelmed, anxious. Those feelings left me depressed again.

 

My assignment this week is to write a grief letter about my mother. Now there's a huge ball of crap to write about. After she died over three years ago, I started to remember more abuse my father perpetrated on me. She was a narcissist and had OCPD. She was anal to the max about many things in her life and therefore my life. My mother had to control everything around her and everyone around, especially me. I was her scapegoat.

 

I don't have to do any of these assignments. However, they would help me heal from my childhood abuse and that is my goal in therapy. I am the one who set that goal, to express my emotions, to deal with the helplessness I feel.

 

It is almost Sunday and I have not even sat down in front of my journal software to write a thing. Half of my week gone and I rotate on it avoiding that assignment. And I am a prolific writer and I journal daily but not since this assignment.

 

Yesterday, I expressed some of the things I learned from my mother with my two granddaughters.

 

This rings a familiar bell though: the ability to express good things about the people who raised me and the inability to express the bad things about those people. I can tell anyone all the horrible things my mother and father did to me BUT... then I am stuck. I cannot express the horrible feelings I have for those people who violated me in so many ways.

 

I am stuck in the depression I hate so much. The only way out is through those yucky feelings.  :wall:  

Edited by Tumultuous_Uprising

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am sorry that you are in the Pit of depression.  It sounds like your childhood was extremely rough and having to relive those memories would be very distressing.

 

There are a lot of coping skills you could try to relieve some of the depression and anxiety.  Deep breathing, self soothing (http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/self-sooth.html), passive muscle relaxation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcjTF5BxKdo&noredirect=1), mindfulness (staying in the moment), drinking hot tea, taking a bath or watching something on tv.

 

I wish you peace in your journey.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • Similar Content

    • By Persona_Is_Life
      Hello! 
      I'm trying to figure out how to address my nervous tics lately. They've been persistent this past year and are always changing. From eye blinking, to head shaking, to sticking my elbow in my sides, squeaking, to a eye closed swallow things. I can't remember them all. 
      I don't always have them. If I've properly slept and aren't stressed/anxious they don't exist at all. As I'm typing this I keep needing to pick up my thumbs and bend them till I hear something crack. 
      I don't know where to put this though! 
      Thanks!
    • By Blahblah
      This has become the central topic of my latest ruminations...I'm still in my 40's, but I'm worrying a lot about getting older. I'm having some random health issues (aches/pains, chronic fatigue etc) that I never had before.
      I don't have any children and get triggered every time I see photos of other people's kids (literally everyone I know my age has kids now). I know that it's not a given that all families are happy or one's kids will take care of you in old age, but it's just the thought of having a family around! My parents are approaching late 70's and they live very far away, cannot travel. I have no other close family (or even close friends) that I can really depend on.
      Anyone know how to remedy these anxious thoughts? One of my biggest fears is being alone in old age, with increased health issues, and being totally isolated/alone in despair. I'd rather die young.
    • By Adolf
      "Best" as in being effective with fewer side effects. Which ones were the best for you? Which ones did you take? What condition(s) did you treat? What side effects did you get? How did the antipsychotics compare to "conventional" antidepressants?
      Can antipsychotics be an alternative to "conventional" antidepressants? What are the risks? What are the benefits? Do they make you a tomato with time? Psychiatrists prescribe them more often in recent times, it seems.
    • By MisterMelancholy
      I've been depressed and have experienced suicidal thoughts for a long time. I've tried to kill myself multiple times but I've stopped from actually doing it because I fear death. I've always have since the very beginning.
      I don't know how I feel about religion. I don't know which side I should join. I don't want to kill myself because I fear the idea of "oblivion" and nonexistence. The idea of "being asleep" forever without dreaming (Or how else someone might describe it) fears more than anything else. I want to die, but I want to exist too. Call me wishy washy because I am. Whenever someone talks about why they choose to live it's always something like family and responsibility but I simply have little to no connection with anything in the world. It's selfish, I know but I feel kinda alone and left out that apparently no one else I know has the same motivation as me for noting choosing to die.
      Sorry for this dumb post. I just wanted to vent.
×
×
  • Create New...