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Why is the past such a big deal to me


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Why do I feel the need to know whether or not my girlfriend has slept with her male "friends" everytime I meet them or something comes up?  I know it is crazy, and as long as I am not in danger of STD's what is the point?  But I feel like I HAVE to tell them the women I have slept with or I would be dishonest... and I feel they should tell me or they are hiding something.

I know this is a problem... anyone have experience or suggestions?  reading suggestions?  avenues to explore? 

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I can't really speak from experience, but it seems to me that you just have a philosophy toward relationships that doesn't work!

WHY do you need to tell a GF about anyone you have had sex with previously? I mean for MOST people, the fact that they have would go without saying. Trying to bring details in just opens things up to questions, comparisons, bad feelings etc. and as far as I can see serves no useful purpose.

I'm guessing that you somehow have a need to do this too. To compare yourself. Maybe "reassure" yourself. But I don't think in the long run that it really would "reassure" you.

I couldn't guess WHY you feel this way. Your upbringing? Religion? Do you have feelings of inferiority? Do they come up in other areas as well?

I would say that the first thing to do would be to shut up about YOUR prior relationships. If you can do that, I think your expectations of your partner would also diminish. You wouldn't have the feeling "I told you, now you should tell me".

Other than that, I know not!

I may be way off base. Analysis of people is not my thing, but I hope my thoughts give YOU food for thought.

Good luck!

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My ex was like that, had to know about every guy I ever went out with.  And being as naive as I was I thought okay, honesty with someone you love is okay.  NOT!  He turned it all against me.  "Did you sleep with him?" almost every time I said hello to a male friend.  It was an obsession with him that led to much worse.

I would recommend therapy if possible to explore why this matters so much to you.  It could be many things but why not nip it in the bud before it becomes more problematic.

All the best, Sulu

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I don't really compare myself to their X's, and I don't really feel inferior... I'm quite confident sexually, even when they have compared body parts and I am on the loosing end... seriously, no big deal  ;) .

It is when we are in a social situations and they see a "good friend" and say make plans to hang out.  I guess I just wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out with an X without telling my current gf they were an X... probably residual from an old gf deceiving me.

And Steve, you are not way off base and quite accurate with the "WHY do you need to tell a GF about anyone you have had sex with previously? I mean for MOST people, the fact that they have would go without saying. Trying to bring details in just opens things up to questions, comparisons, bad feelings etc. and as far as I can see serves no useful purpose." comment

I just can't figure out how to shut it up inside me!  It even happens in "casual" relationships. 

I have had a couple relationships where it came up... everything came out just right with no questions ("yeah, I slept with him about 6 months ago... it lasted a month... it was just for sex... there is nothing there anymore...") and I'm seriously fine.  But when they are friends... then a week later I find out they had slept together (and I assume they were dating)... then a week later I find out it was a one night thing... then a week later I find out it was 2 months ago... all the info dribbles out and causes huge problems for me.  Fear of the unknown, I guess.

yeah, anyway, thanks for listening.  crazy people rule!

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Dear Zargian:

Here is a perspective from a woman who slept with more men than she will ever discuss with you, or with anyone.

We come to every relationship with a history.  Unless your girlfriend has been in a convent, she will have kissed/touched/had sex with a certain number of men.  Maybe one, maybe many.  It's none of your business.

If a past relationship had a devastating effect on her (a date rape or trauma of some kind), then she should tell you about it if it will help you to understand her.  But should she tell you about all of her boyfriends and what she did with them?  And how often?  And when?  No.

No.

None of your business.

And it's none of her business what your past history has been.

You are travelling down a road pitted with enormous pot-holes that you will fall into.  It will be hurtful for both of you.

If you need therapy, then get it, because demanding this kind of information is immature and a mark of a person who will have difficulty with a mature, lasting relationship. 

And I think it's in bad taste and unkind to EVER compare performance with your lover and a previous lover. Especially getting into sizes and things.  I would question the head-set of a woman who would volunteer this kind of information.  Is she cruel?  Careless? Mean?  It's just a no-no all around.....

I hope I don't sound too judgemental.  I'm a very opinionated lady!  But my husband and I have discussed this issue many times, and we're in agreement.  Our lives together are what matter, not our past lives. 

olga

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Depending on your age, I know when I was young that GOOD girls didn't do those kind of things(back in the 60's). You played with the BAD girls but married the good. So maybe that is what we bring along. It could be a touch or vouruism(I can't spell without spellcheck).

Accept their love not the past! The past is just that, the past. We can all lie about it. No one has a counter attached to their parts  ;)  

Men for the most part are insecure in the arena of sexual performance. Unless you are hung like a horse or John Holmes, we tend to compare our male parts. We tend to equate size with masculinity and the ability of satisfying our partner. But that is so not true.  Most women don't want a huge guy- they only have so much to take. The rest is wasted! Women want emotional attachment, bonding, etc.  Women want love and understanding.

She is with YOU because of how you treat her and love her, not how much erection you can give her.

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Interestingly, a situation just came up.

I was dating a great woman for 3 months.  I left town for the following 3 months and we both had the understanding that we were no longer dating and parting as friends.  During that 3 month period (until about a week ago) I was sleeping with another woman... purely sexual and understood that way.  I am 99% sure that I am going to get into an intimate situation with the formerly mentioned ex-girlfrind TONIGHT.

So, does a person who is truly concerned about her (#1) feelings just jump into bed with no more than the understanding that we are not getting back together and we are just two friends that care for each other and like having sex?  I assume I don't tell her about the last 3 months and just let things slide... right?

Seems strange to me, then again, I'm strange.

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Men for the most part are insecure in the arena of sexual performance. Unless you are hung like a horse or John Holmes, we tend to compare our male parts.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yeah, that isn't me at all.  I'm about as average as they get and have been told I have a perfectly shaped... uh, yeah.  I have never had a problem satisfying my partner and I have heard plenty of complaints about "too big."

I guess my biggest issue is probably judging my sexual morals against theirs.  I don't consider myself a slut and have never had a one night stand... I have actually removed myself from several of those situations... but I have had plenty of sex.  Yeah, I guess I am judging them as worthy or not based on what they have done and if I would have done the same thing in their situation... which I know isn't fair.  Male and female sexuality and situations and opportunities are just too different.

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