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dangergirl

He blamed my "crazy". He was lying.

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I haven't been on here in a while, but well, this was just a massive blow and I wonder how many others have endured similar and what they did about it.  My (soon to be ex) husband has serious psychological issues - I know this now more than ever - he was molested as a child and has never been to therapy, nor done anything to resolve all of the issues that go along with this.  So, let's just say he's a mess.  And well, I have a bunch of issues as noted below, so we make the perfect storm.

 

One thing to note:  a short while ago (maybe 6 months), my doctor (whom I've been seeing for about 4 yrs now) suggested that I might be "situationally bipolar".  I asked her if that was even a thing or even possible - I mean, it's a chemical imbalance - how can it be situational?  She said she didn't know, but was beginning to suspect that I was not bipolar.  We stopped my meds and I started to have issues, so chalked it up to a failed experiment.  (although, now I think they may have been helping with anxiety and depression, so...)

 

However, now neither of us are sure.  I recently cost my husband having an affair and in a slew of lies.  His behavior has always been sketchy.  When I would query him about these questionable behaviors, instead of reassuring me, he would tell me that I was crazy.  Prior to my diagnosis, he would say shitty things like, "I'm not your ex" - blaming my past relationships.  Of course, after my diagnosis, it was SOOOOO easy to blame my illness - so the past didn't matter anymore, it was all "symptoms" I was experiencing.

 

Well, as it turns out - it was neither - I was completely justified in my feelings - his patterns of behavior were indicative of someone being dishonest and he was.  Oh the evidence I found...and I can go on about how compartmentalized his life is and how dissociative he is (not in the sense of the disorder, but in the sense that he's not really attached or emotionally involved to anything he says or does).

 

So basically, I'm now left with a total mindfuck.  All the things that I said to him were true, yet he intentionally led me to believe I was crazy.  I have had a monumentally hard time accepting my diagnosis and dealing with my disorder.  It has caused me an incredible identity crisis and has been paralyzing.

 

I would just like someone to please, if they can, explain how someone could be so incredibly cruel.  He has, quite literally, emotionally destroyed me - over, and over, and over again.  There is absolutely no consolation in knowing that I was right all along.

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i'm so sorry, hon.  i can't imagine how you must be feeling.  you know you are always, ALWAYS welcome to come back around, no matter whether your dx is right or wrong or you're on meds or no.  i've never been through what you have, so i can't offer advice, but it seems to me you're entitled to feel about a million different things right now.  do you have any good support IRL?

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Thank you MrTastyButt (your name made me giggle, btw) - your comment made me feel heard and understood and cared for and I really need that right now.

 

Lys - I do have lots of great support, thank you...and realized that my current sig is SO old...lol...even my therapist is throttled by this - I think, especially because my old tdoc suspected that I may not be bp as well.

 

It's a fucked up thing - no one can do a blood test and say, yup, bipolar - they just GUESS - and then you start the med-go-round and damn if the side effects of half of those meds aren't symptoms of the very diagnoses they are meant to treat!  And if you're already situationally depressed and anxious, won't mood altering meds make you feel better?  And if you don't resolve the situation that was causing all of these problems, if you STOP taking them, you're gonna still feel like shit because the situation is exactly the same?  And damn it, if sometimes, stopping them doesn't make you feel like shit just because it's gettin' out of your blood stream?

 

I feel like I'm in the Matrix.  

 

btw - like the kitty pic :)

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I didn't see this last night---how horrifying!  I'm glad you do have some support.  If you want any help kicking his ass to the curb, I'll put on my combat boots and be The Enforcer.

 

auntie olga

 

PS:  What a prick.

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Have you ever heard of the term 'gaslighting'? 

It's something that abusers do, and it is really crazymaking. It almost seems to me that he had the added bonus of skipping the first part - the part where he establishes that you're crazy - so there you go.

It's great that you recognize that this is him, and not you.  I hope that he really does become your ex, and that you can find some peace of mind. 

There are a lot of places of support for women who have had to cope with abusive relationships. And women who have had to break up with wandering husbands. I wonder if you can tap into those networks at all.

 

I don't know why some people are cruel like this. It's something that I wonder about sometimes, too. I know that I will never get an answer that satisfies me. Some people find answers in religion, faith, atheistic answers, or spirituality. Some people give up looking. You'll have to find ways that allow you to come to terms with what happened, ultimately. 

 

While you're having an identity crisis is a good time to establish a new identity. What do you want to do for you?

Take gentle care. That parts important, too.

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My reply was going to be very similar to Rosie's, and I was even going to talk about 'gaslighting'

 

I am glad you realize that this has nothing to do with you.  It is his ill behavior, his lies, his issues.  Please, I agree with what Rosie said about making sure he becomes your ex. You don't need that kind of relationship.  

 

Try to find hobbies or things that are healthy releases that help you re-establish dreams, and hobbies and hope. 

 

Take care of yourself.

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Thanks everyone - and Auntie Olga, it might be nice to have some combat boots up his ass!

 

MrTastyButt - you're pretty funny - I am absolutely not a cat fan - and I just received confirmation that I'm justified in my suspicions of cats - it turns out that most animals are in a position of submission when they are on their backs - but not cats!  A cat will roll over, pull you on top of him, hold you with his front paws and disembowel you with his rear paws.  My husband had a cat when I met him and at that time, I had a rule:  no men with cats.  I should've listened to myself...lol.

 

Rosie and Testarosa - I had never heard the term gaslighting before, so I looked it up - found a "10 signs" article and cried (hard) all the way through it.  This has been my life for the past 11 years.  There's both pain and solace in knowing I'm not alone.  The last symptom was depression - I had never been depressed before - even when going through hard times (let me correct that - I have had only one depressive episode in my life and that was in college and resolved itself quickly - I honestly blame teen angst on that one).  It turns out that he's got narcissistic personality disorder.  I had not realized it until I recently (as a result of him leaving) spoke with a bunch of friends who are all therapists.  It is amazing what you learn when you share and get real with your friends.  IT hurts to tell people about what you feel like is your "shame".  I'm glad now that I did - it's only strengthened my resolve to leave (which was already pretty strong).

 

What's worse is that now I'm pretty sure I'm not bipolar and he's known how difficult this has been for me.  I have been living with this diagnosis for 6 years and couldn't understand why none of the medications seemed to work and why some made me feel so awful that I wanted to kill myself.  I understand that he's mentally ill, but I had no idea that he could let me suffer so badly.  I'm in shock.  It hurts.  I WILL be ok, but I'm just so worried about how much this has damaged me that I'll never be able to have a healthy relationship again.

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Also - I have a dilemma and need some practical advice:  Once he said he wanted a divorce, he left.  He said he didn't want to be in our apartment if I were here (we have another house, which he expects me to "run away to").  When he realized that I had things to take care of here, he got very angry.  He left on Thursday and we have not spoken since.

 

He went away on a business trip - Saturday evening, he tried to sneak in while he thought I'd be out walking the dogs.  I got home before he could "escape".  No words were spoken and we didn't even acknowledge each other (I was completely fine with that).  He ran out as if his pants were on fire (mentally, I'm sure they were).

 

He returns somewhere around 5pm - I know he expects me to be at the other house, but I've decided to stay here.  I need some help with how to handle the confrontation that will inevitably ensue.  I'd really appreciate any advise - thanks!

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I lived in the same apartment with my ex-husband for a couple of months while I looked for a new place.  I simply avoided him as much as I could. 

 

Whose name is on the lease---both of you?  The first thing I would do is get a lawyer and talk to her about how to proceed.  If you want a legal separation, then one of you is going to have to get out.  You will have to do some arithmetic and figure out if you can afford the apartment on your own.

 

If he's in the living room, go into the kitchen or bedroom.  Move away from him all the time---it won't help anything if you engage him in a conversation, or attack him the way you would like to.  (Like a boot up the butt.  heh)  He sounds like a wussy-boy, and as long as you come across as strong and give off vibes that you are the captain of your own ship, he's probably going to be scared of you.

 

Once you talk to an attorney, I would assume that you would give him a deadline for finding his own place.  He could always move in with a girlfriend, right?  Sounds like he might have had a couple of them.

 

The other thing you need to do is see your GP and get tested for STDs.  If he was screwing around, he might have caught something and passed it on to you.  It's not a pleasant thought, but you need to get checked if you have been intimate with him since the affair(s).

 

I'm sorry he screwed with your mind, but I have a lot of faith that you will pull out of this in one piece and go on with your life.  If you have a good therapist, keep working with her to keep your feet on the ground.  You can do this.

 

olga

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Thanks Olga :)

 

I've already been checked for STD's and already been to a lawyer - did both of those things the very next day - no fooling around with me.  Haven't gotten my blood work back though :(

 

I'm still not working :(  Part of his keeping me down, but I started looking already and a recruiter contacted me yesterday - so I could have something soon.

 

I'm just scared of what's going to happen when he walks through that door - ugh!

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Well, Lys, I was safe last night - I think I may have worked myself up into a frenzy over things based on past history.

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Guest

I was another user years ago, I remember you and your story.

 

I have been in abusive relationships with men like that, and extricating myself was the most confusing bit. It is hard to know, when looking at someone who is so dishonest and disconnected from themselves, what is reasonable caution and what is fear. Fear is keeping you aware that this man is not good for you, as long as you can keep it there in a relatively proportionate level, it is your friend. In my experience, letting my emotions be in whatever safe place I can make for them is always a good thing, however overblown I worry they are. That might be hard with him in the same house, but my mum had to stay in her house when she and my dad called time, if either of them had left the house, they would have lost ground.

 

I am truly sorry this has happened to you. I remember all to well how it made me feel to see the truth in my relationships. Stay strong.

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Thanks Titania...and of course, now you have me wondering what your other alias was...lol.  I've been letting my emotions flow through me and honoring them - they are good and of course, have run the gamut.  He came home at 2am this morning, I'd only gone to bed at 11:30 - and once he walked in the door, I was up for the duration and had horrible diarrhea starting around 5:30am.  My gut is always the first to go.  I managed maybe another half hour of sleep between 6:30 and 7 and then the dogs were having at me.  Tried a nap and maybe got 1/2 hour in around 11:30.

 

I was so exhausted, I just decided to leave and go to our other home.  I feel very fortunate, a friend has offered me her place and an extra room at a mutual friend's place.  I have my family if I need them and my parents will actually be in Italy for 10 days starting on the 5th.

 

I talked to my therapist about my dx and she is going to review my file (needs to get it from her old job first).  We're both leaning towards the idea that I am not, nor was I ever bipolar...probably some anxiety disorder of some sort, and still adhd and ocd, but.....those are not acute and are manageable.

 

How many people get to have TWO identity crisis in 6 yrs...wait, I forgot where I am, don't answer that...lol.

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