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is this a sick reason to feel pathetic


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Yes im back..again. its been a while. Ive gotten some great help here so I return.

I know this sounds almost pro si but its truly not.

Do you ever feel pathetic for not being good at hurting yourself?

I see pictures of huge gashes and stitches and think god ive been doing this off and on forever and still havent done a good job of it.

How do you deal with that?

Im terrified if anybody ever saw they would say "thats not that bad"

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I sometimes feel like a fuckup because I can't seem to kill myself. I mean, it's simple,right? And yet I can't.

but think of it this way.

 

Every natural drive you have is to live. Over-riding nearly all of your physiology is exceedingly difficult. Failure in this does not make you a fuckup. Not succeeding isn't just a good thing, it is a human thing.

Edited by AnneMarie
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There is no prize for inflicting the most pain on yourself.

 

There is no prize for getting stitches, sometimes without anesthetic because ER providers can be wankers.

 

There is no prize for causing permanent nerve and movement issues.

 

There is no prize for getting infections.

 

 

While I can understand the desire to have the amount of distress you feel on the inside to match the amount of distress created on the outside, self harm, like all manifestations and symptoms of crayzee is not a contest.

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I sometimes feel like a fuckup because I can't seem to kill myself. I mean, it's simple,right? And yet I can't.

but think of it this way.

 

Every natural drive you have is to live. Over-riding nearly all of your physiology is exceedingly difficult. Failure in this does not make you a fuckup. Not succeeding isn't just a good thing, it is a human thing.

 

 

For sure, for sure.

 

It often feel like my illness is located in my brain, which wants to do this horrible thing. But it's not all of my brain or any of my body. The body and the sane part of my brain don't like suffering either, but know death isn't the answer.

 

Makes me think I have enough good going on (both within my core being and outside of myself) that I can't override my survival instincts.

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How did you deal with that being said.

I mean you have a problem talk to somebody aboyt it and they find your problem isnt a big deal. Sort of brush it off?

I guess im worried. Ive been doing this since I was 12. Asking for help now seems almost pathetic because after ten years off and on I feel (I know its weird and trust me I am in no way shape or form pro) I dont have much to truly show for it.

Im just afraid to not be taken seriously by friends. I talked to my tdoc about it but I want some perspective of people in similar converse as mine

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It's possible that people brush it off because they don't know what to say that would feel helpful.

 

You are never pathetic for asking for help.

 

I never really talked to friends about self harm, only professionals and here.

 

You have a coping skill that has been working for you (self harm). You wouldn't have kept doing it if it wasn't at least somewhat effective. And it sounds like you're ready to find things that work better with less damage (physically and emotionally).

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  • 4 months later...

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