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don't see a way out

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I'm not built for this world. For people, for working, for life. My husband was supporting us. He quit his job in May. We got evicted (by my parents) and are now living with his parents. He does yard work once a week for a little cash. It's fucking killing me.  I'm doing photography on the side, but its only a little. It all goes to our car insurance and gas. We live in a rural area. My CBT therapist who was seeing me pro bono and I decided CBT wasn't helping and she referred me to a DBT therapist.  I don't have the money for the sessions ($60) nor the gas money to get there once a week. I'm trying to sell things on craigslist, but no one is buying. 


I'm dying inside. I go off at the slightest thing - way worse than I used to. And I get blamed for it and people hate me for it.  Like this isn't a fucking stressful situation. Like I wasn't already fucked up to begin with. 


I had regular group therapy at my mental health clinic last week, because they require it in order to give you meds. It was annoying. Everyone was older than me and telling me its going to get better. Why do I hate being told that so much? Everyone fucking hates me right now because I'm "so negative."  What the fuck is there to be positive about? When is my life ever going to amount to anything. What is the fucking point.  


I'm angry at everyone and everything. I'm not suicidal, I'm just pissed because I CAN'T be. I had to go and have two children and get married. It would just be "selfish" now, like everything else I do. I just wish I'd never been fucking born. I'm just a waste of space, using up other people's oxygen, making everyone who knows me miserable. 


This post is pointless. I don't know why I'm going to hit post new topic. I don't know.

Edited by ohmcgee
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