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Why do I love/hate my scars?


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As I near my 2-years-clean anniversary, I find myself even more conflicted about my scars as I was previously. Most have started to fade, to a point that I'll wear tank-tops and shorts without too much worry. I mean, I do feel rather self-conscious of them and am uncomfortable about being asked, but that doesn't happen too often anymore. But now that I have no new ones to worry about or work on keeping covered, I'm starting to miss the ones that have faded almost completely. I both want to make more so I can see them and remember how awful I felt having to cover up all the time. I find myself subconsciously touching them all the time, in a sickly nostalgic way. 

 

I think this conflict is further compounded by the fact that I'm at a new school, where nobody knows about my SI past, so I won't be "suspected" of anything should I do it again. I'm half excited to have a clean slate so I can say I never did it here, and half wanting to do it again because it is a new place and it would be easier to "get away with." 

 

Any helpful hints to decrease the scar-lust or the need to f up a fresh start?

 

thanks,

M

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Yes.

You are not alone. You are stronger then the desire, fascination, obsession bringing you back to that place. You have years behind you now. Feel pride in that, not pride in the pain. 

 

I don't know about you but I SI'd as a sick way to show people that I was hurting. But watch now as the scars fade, you are healing, each line that fades becomes a part of you and you are stronger because you were able to let yourself heal.

 

I'm sure in the last two years you heard the siren's call to the blade, but you stayed away. Maybe you curled up on the bathroom floor clutching the box of razors crying because you never wanted to be there again, maybe your hand lingered over where you had them hidden, you walked the fine edged of the blade. No matter how close you got, you have one thing to hold on to: you walked away. Save a smile for every 530 days you were stronger than the compulsion, but, use one today. Enjoy the tank tops in the summertime. Enjoy not being prisoner of your own skin. Love life without the questions and comments and judgement.

 

In your new situation you don't have to pretend to be whole, but you also don't need to lose the years you have gained because it would be easy. Easy isn't always the right path. Easy doesn't lead to glory. You have worked hard to be where you are, and your worth working hard for. 

 

Congratulations on two years. I believe this is just the start of your life time of healing. You are wonderful, and strong, and smart. You are important. Even if you are hurting now you don't need blood, you don't need scars to validate your pain. Your pain is real, it is valid, but you are strong enough to work through it in a way other than SI. SI doesn't control you now, you control it. Use a smile, a real one to remind yourself how far you've come. 

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I know what you mean. I do love my scars as much as I hate them. I love looking at them knowing how far ive come. Knowing that ive been good enough to let them heal from cuts to scars and now some of them fading away scares me. Almost like how will people kbow how far ive come.

I understand I went three years and relapsed. As sick as it sounds I enjoyed it. I had another battle that I defeated. Only in my mind because if I truly did win my battke I wouldnt have fresh wounds.

Ive always been aware as to why I do but I never fully been ready to fix it. Now with fresh cuts im ready to face it head on. However these cuts are holding me back. Holding me back from going out and doing things.

A relapse isnt bad sometimes it happens but yoyr ready now to deal with what's been knocking you down.

Are you ready?

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  I understand the feeling. My scars are fading (the ones that can fade, at least), and I find myself having... mixed feelings about them. Oh, yes, it will be practical to be able to wear short sleeves. And rationally, I know it is good.

But part of me feels that, then, everything was just fake, just a blip on the screen... Oh, and have I mentioned the disturbingly happy feeling about having a new skin, all ready to be hurt again.

 

But... I try to remember how I spent hours taking care of the said skin, the creams I had to buy, the summer hot weather, and... that those reasons would be very bad reasons to SI again!

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                   A very valid question marbles and a beautiful, and deeply perceptive, reply damik.

                   Those scars fade to a silvery line that then disappears into young skin as it restores it's

                    elasticity and flexibility.

                   The body often heals a great deal faster and more completely than the mind leaving only 

                    the faintest trace of injury and pain     

Edited by glasssss999
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Thank you, all of you, for your replies.

 

Damik, you should be a motivational speaker because that was beautiful and not cheesy at all, like a lot of speakers are. I, too, would do it partially to have a physical example of inner pain. I've been using my scars for that for a while now, and because my inner pain still exists, I still want the physical. So I'm not sure where to go from there.  

 

And I agree with you, Heathrr, about wanted to see where i've been/wanting others to see. I like the proof that I did do it, and I like knowing it was past tense. I don't want to forget that it all happened, I obviously don't want to go through it again, but I like the reminder. It worries me that the reminders are fading.

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If I was the only person on earth, or if no one else paid attention to them, I would want to keep them. They are a part of my skin, like freckles or wrinkles.. But I see people looking at them and I guess at what they're thinking, and children constantly ask me about them so I know that the scars are  obvious and that adults want to ask the same questions and are just too polite.

 

I haven't done it anywhere visible in years and I can't remember the last time I did it, maybe 6 months ago when I had exams.. I am not really worried about it  (worrying about it just makes me want to do it more anyway DON'T THINK ABOUT A WHITE BEAR) but i do wish I could somehow get rid of the old scars.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I understand. I started fresh too this year in a new area. It's nice to know that people are completely unaware and there are no looks of judgment. No stares from people wondering "how could you do that to yourself." But I realized that their judgments didn't matter when I relapsed. Only mine mattered cuz I was the only one who knew. I felt such guilt and it was disappointing after the feelings faded. I was guilty and felt such shame and my head placed me there and literally felt like my brain talked me into doing it. I understand where you're at. I hope you find some peace. Two years is amazing and such an accomplishment.

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