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Damik
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i moved my blades from  my bathroom to my bedroom. i was going to cut today but my mother called and asked me to go to lunch with her. i was going to cut monday too but i made myself drive to my sister's. i had the worst day at work on monday. i had a minor panic attack during second period. i was working at a jr high and that was when i started falling apart. i don't know i just saw all the potential that these kids had not one of them was cutting themselves while i was running a lesson like i did at their age. now i'm sure there was pain in the classroom i'm sure that there were kids that struggled with themselves like they struggled with english. (it was a resource class.) but all i saw was the virgin skin on their arms, the connections they made with their other classmates, the world opening up for them. i don't know the world isn't opening up for me. i'm going to college, i'm trying to work and it seems like everything is falling apart. i need to pull everything together. i'm falling into a deep hole and i don't think i can blame it on missing four day of my prozac a week ago. i don't think i should take meds anymore. i have such a high burnout rate on my meds. this combo lasted almost a year and it was a good year, too. except for all the crazy. but i can live with the crazy as long as i'm not fondling the helium tanks at the zurchers trying in vain to find a reason not to take one home. or to a hotel room, i would never kill myself at home because i would want to save my husband the horror of finding me dead. i would leave a large tip for the hotel maid. an empty gesture i know. the maid will have to spend the rest of her life knowing that she found someone dead in the bed and all she got was an extra $100 to cover that scar. wow i am a bitch. I know. i'm not formulating a plan here, i've had a plan since ash was still a message board. it is just running through my head right now. and i want to wash it away with blood. i want to purge the bad thoughts with bad actions. i've asked for help and i've gotten a lot of words on the screen from my friends but i still feel so very lonely. tomorrow would be perfect for falling off the wagon. it will be 135 days. what a beautiful number to get lost on. i told my mom today that i was struggling and she was like wow i'm sorry how about that change of subject. it was enough distraction to get me through today, but i moved my blades to the bedroom and there isn't anything stopping me from waking up tomorrow morning and tic tic totaling my pain on my arms under my high thread count sheets in my pj's before i shower for the day, if i even shower for the day. i took job for tuesday another middle school, another resource class. my husband wonders if it is still too soon i wonder if i can take it if i'm still falling apart on tuesday. i have to pull myself back together, but i've forgotten how. i don't know what i want here, more words on a screen, someone who understands the lure of the blade, someone to give me one good reason not to purge this pain with blood. i can tell when i'm slipping. if i'm in a good place i'll look at my tattoo on my wrist that says hold on hope and i'll smile if i'm in a bad place i will look at the scars on my arm from when i cut particularly deeply in the middle of a fight with my husband, at-the-time-boyfriend, before we had made the rule that we wouldn't discuss politics after 11 pm. i should have gotten stitches but i didn't. so tomorrow i cut unless i can find a reason not to today. so far i can't who am i fighting this for anyway? it's not for me. it's not for me. i don't know i know this is a block of text but that is my thoughts just spewed onto the page. there is no line breaks in my mind right now. 

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I understand I mean jesus one slice jusr one and I feel better but two would make it really awesome and three well might as well make it four for an even number.

The thing is that this is addicting. Its addicting to feel good. But like most drugs once the initial high is gone yoy start to come down. Unfortunately on this drug the come down is really rough. Thinking about those 135 days. How great they are and now how lost they are after a little fest on yourself.

I cant imagine being a teacher. Looking at a class room of students being able to read them remember that your teachers felt the same way and tgey may have even missedyour problems evwn though they can see a class room of bright young students they might be in as much need as you were tthen.

135 days strong. Thats pretty awesome. What has made you come this far? What if you make a pact to not make a decision until day 140. Very nice even number. Then maybe when you get thete you can go to 150 and more. Tge point is to take it one day at a time while keeping in mind of your future.

Dont stress that you might do it tomorrow. Thats tomorrow it hasnt come yet deal with nowits hard to give up sich a great coping method. But this one makes yoy feel worse shortly after.

Just know if it happens it happens we all do it. However its getting back up. Youuve spent 135 days getting up thats awesome you have it in you. Yes its insulting how your mother responded but as tough as it is for us its still tough on loved ones in their own way. You could give her some.reading on si. Try a google search of dealing with friend of si. Help her there.

Know your great strong and 135 days dont let tge doubting you speak so loud. Shut that jerk up and grow. Find wgat works work on why and how not to. You can do this

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sleepoptimistic, your response is less than helpful.  Please don't post things like that.

 

 

damik... one of the things that I've struggled with in working with teens is the idea that sometimes they get help and support that I desperately needed at their age, but wasn't accessible to me. Do you think that might be part of what's going on?

 

This is totally for you.

 

You deserve to have a life without this kind of suffering. I am guessing that if you saw someone who was upset and distressed you would never ever approach them to cause harm. I'm guessing you would approach them with a measure of kindness and compassion instead of a weapon.

 

You deserve that kind of compassionate response to your distress as well. You are not an exception to that rule.

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I hid sleepoptimistic's comment because it's unhelpful bullshit.

 

Damik, I can't tell you a good reason not to cut, because it's so individual for everyone. I can tell you some of my reasons, but they may not make any sense to you.

However, I've found that when I'm able to distract myself from the urge, to let it crest and just ride it like a wave, I'm happier afterwards that I didn't cut AND I'm able to think of all the reasons that fled my mind when I was so upset.

Once I made a list of 20 things to do when I was upset other than self-harm. It actually took a dare from a friend to get me to do it, and it was the hardest thing I ever wrote.

 

Here's a few of the things I do to distract myself:

  • Recognize & verbalize that I am upset: it is not permanent and it is not my entire state of being, it's just how I am for that day/week/month/year whatever.
  • Look at some beautiful pictures.
  • Sing and even dance along to a good song. (Related: Listen to my anti-depression playlist!)
  • Watch a feel-good movie.
  • Read a romance novel. (They always have happy endings.)
  • Clean my room (good for angry/sad). If necessary, clean the house.
  • Paint my nails.
  • Take a shower.
They're silly things, but they're things that soothe ME--they calm me down, they reconnect me to my body, they make me feel less out of control. Can you think of five things you can do for yourself that give you a moment of peace? I'd love to know what they are. We also have quite a few pinned threads in this forum that talk about "self-soothing activities", which I believe is the psychological term for this kind of thing. Edited by saveyoursanity
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I feel sad that you didn't get the help you might have wanted at that age and had those possibilities.

 

However I know that you have possibilities of your own, partly because you worked so hard over these last few years to stay true to what you want to do. I know how much school means to you, it represents something very important to you. I have worried and still do that you can be harsh in your expectations of yourself, maybe school is stressful, after all, this is a transition for you. But I promise, school being tough is not a sign that you will not cope, nor that if you found it too painful, you would have failed if you chose to do something else.

 

You are not defined by your self harm scars, what happened in your past or whether or not you can compare yourself to anyone else. You are your own person, Damik, the world needs you, please take good care of yourself.

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