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WHY ME?!?!?!


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At the age of 12 I started cutting, even from a young age i knew i didnt fit in i was NEVER popular at school and although i had a few friends over the years it felt like nobody understood the rage that was under my skin so when i started cutting that rage the loneliness i had felt all these years began to trickle out of my body in the form of blood! But as the cuts stopped bleeding the rage began to build inside of me WHY ME ?!?! What is it inside of me i am fighting against? Why is it I cannot walk into a social situation and feel that I am worth talking too, that I have something to say of value... Instead i walk into a room and feel like NOTHING!!! So to cut is to feel to see I am something to know I am alive but why .... I just cant understand why it is me that cannot function in the "normal" world when everyone else seems to be doing fine! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs get it all out of me and start again .... whats it like for you guys ?? :wall:  

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I go to great lengths to adapt to "the normal world". 

 

It has gotten easier, notably it got HUGELY easier when I decided that I would stop comparing myself to what I thought or imagined was easy for other people. Not everyone is doing fine. In fact, more people than you probably would ever think share some of the same worries and anxieties as you... about fitting in to "the normal world" and not feeling awkward.

 

I taught myself to be able to walk into a room and take it on my own terms... and not have expectations to make chit chat when that's not what feeds me. I gave myself permission to sit quietly and observe what was happening without needing to judge that as awkward or lonely. Or to engage in meaningful conversation with one or two people.

 

Embrace the awkward. Learn to love it as dance partner.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting right now.

 

You deserve more than this quality of life.

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Why me? Why the fuck am I like this when everyone else seems able to swim in this pool of shit like it's their natural environment? Cutting to feel alive because otherwise you feel like nothing. I can relate. You probably should seek some help. I didn't and it didn't get better.

Edited by Fugazi
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  • 1 month later...

I totally get it and have asked myself the same question several times. I shared about it one time in group and someone told me something I thought was really true. If you keep comparing your insides to everyone else's outsides, you'll always lose. We don't know how people feel. If you met me in public you'd think I was completely normal and functioning. Then I go home and well... It can get better. Maybe not perfect everyday but definitely better.

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