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I've been looking through this site & I feel like you guys & gals make sense to me. No stuffiness at all either, which is refreshing. But I am a bit nervous about telling others of my craziness. It's almost never ended well.

So, about me:

I've had depression for a super long time-probably since adolescence. I remember being scared at my first thought of suicide around age 13 but I'm to the point where it's become almost a sick fantasy. Please know that I would never go through with it right now. I have 2 young children & I feel like I'm, sadly, their only hope of normalcy. And besides, my son's father already beat me to it when he hung himself several years ago. Sometimes thinking about that makes me jealous.

Anyway, I also have the privilege of having bipolar disorder, which I have no idea how to handle. I have been on depakote & citalopram for some time now, but recently-probably for about a month-I haven't been taking anything. Why? Because I feel that it's not working right, not working at all, like I'm so pathetic that I need meds to be normal.

Well I think I've written enough for now. I'm just looking for anything or anyone to help make things even slightly better. Honestly, I just want to feel happy at least a fraction off the time, especially for my kids. They don't deserve a sad, angry, pathetic loser mom for their only parent. Thanks for reading this & listening.

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Yes i do have a psychiatrist, who is mainly in charge of meds and doesn't really care to know about much anything other than side effects. I see a therapist at a different location who isn't really qualified to deal with bipolar but is trying very hard and has been somewhat helpful, more so than the psychiatrist. Currently I'm having a hard time with my insurance so these two people are my only options right now. So frustrating. 

 

I think what I'm worried most about is my tendency to get violent. It has happened on a few occasions during the past 8 months or so. It scares me to think of becoming so angry that I may lose it and hurt someone. So then here's what I do to prevent that: Have as little contact with the public as I can. So now I'm becoming a sort of hermit and the thought of going out gives me a bit of anxiety. I feel like such a mess. Like I am no part at all of the person I used to be, who may have also been a little insane, but I had self control and things were fun. I'm falling apart.

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Welcome to Crazyboards.  I'm glad you came here.

 

Please check out our bipolar board, and if you haven't posted there yet, write a post about your concerns.  Going off meds is often a bad idea, particularly if the situation isn't being monitored by a pdoc or tdoc.  If one of your meds is ineffective, I'm sure there must be another one in that class that might be more effective for you.

 

Good luck and please keep posting.

 

olga

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