"Why aren't you better yet?"

[tamagotchi]

How do you respond when people are exasperated that you are "still not better"?

 

My husband was mad today because I had a migraine and took a nap in the middle of the day, and shouted, "Why aren't you better yet?  Why are you still having problems?  By now you should be better!  You still go up and down.  Your doctors are doing a bad job."  He had just woken me up and I was standing there like the proverbial deer in the headlights, not sure how to respond.   All I could think of to say was: "it's not fair to say that because of a migraine, it isn't the same problem."

 

Well I am better, unfortunately I still have problems.  He knew that I had problems when he married me, I was worse at that time.  On my current meds I am better than I was without treatment.  I haven't tried every possible med and combination, but I have tried a lot of them.  It just isn't very easy to help me.  It's not the fault of the pdoc or obgyn or neurologist, or the tdocs I used to see.  I don't think it is my fault either, but who knows.  How do you respond to that?

[Damik]

I'm sorry your husband woke you with that. I too struggle with what to say when people express frustration at my not being better. Maybe it would help him to get involved with your local NAMI. He could get support and education at the same place. 

 

Just a thought.

[mcjimjam]

I also think it would be a great idea for him to look into a support group for relatives of those with bipolar. My mother went to one for a while and it really helped her deal. When she has said things like your husband said, I just basically remind her of the grim reality of this condition. It is lifelong and difficult to manage.

Even if you do all the right things and your pdoc is very competent, you can still have long periods of illness. That is just part of it. Maybe in the future there will be better treatments but until then it's unrealistic to expect to be completely without symptoms for the rest of our lives. Maybe some people achieve that but it seems like most of us don't.

Edited September 22, 2013 by mcjimjam

[melissaw72]

Do you think your husband would benefit from talking with your pdoc?

[Phoenix_Rising]

Does your husband understand that BP is a chronic illness and not something you "get better from"?  Here's a link to a book designed to help loved ones understand what BP is all about:  http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/cp/1-crazystore/.  I also think its a good idea for your husband to go to your pdoc with you.

[jinksey979]

sometime its hard for people to deal with things that they dont know much about. my family gets angry at me a lot because of my mood swings and anger. i dont always have control of it but they dont seem to understand. i try to explain to them whats going on when theyre in a good mood. maybe if you tried to explain to him calmly and clearly what you are going through it would help how he deals with this

[kateislate]

What a dick. OK, here would be my response:

 

"Why the fuck are you still so ignorant about my illness?! How long have we been married and you still haven't bothered to learn the first goddamn thing about it! How hard is it to type bipolar into Google? Show you give a shit! Read something!

 

And by the way I have a migraine, which you also obviously don't know shit about either.

 

Now go get a clue and leave me the fuck alone."

 

You could say it more nicely, I suppose. But why?

[tamagotchi]

I feel that I'm struggling against the current, as I get older, especially with the perimenopause stuff, the MI actually is getting worse, and I have to be "extra better" in order to be just a little better, if that makes sense.  I want to say something like  "Actually I've improved more than you think, but you can't tell because I keep getting worse at the same time, it's a lot of work even to stay in the same place"

 

Bringing him to see my pdoc is a good idea that I hadn't thought of.  He hasn't ever met her actually.  Thanks everyone, you were all helpful.