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No past.


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I don't think that it's possible to willingly let go of the past. It is there. You can either make decisions on it, or not.

But, you can't willingly dissociate the past away. Dissociation just happens. It does not mean to dis-associate. Rather, it is about not dealing with the present due to a mental inability to stay connected to the now.

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I agree with Rosie. The past is chained to us for better or worse.  Understanding that link can help you break behavioral patterns that perhaps worked while young but backfire and are not needed when older.

 

My past is a constant depression trigger.  Something I am finally beginning to get a handle on after a long lifetime of struggling against it.  This is working only because I acknowledge that past without stepping right into that messy black gooey gassy sticky puddle.

 

I do have to constantly remind myself that I am NOT back in that awful house, I do NOT live with my parents anymore, they do NOT have any hold over me.  So the past is like that party goer who never leaves and is always the worst guest around.  We cannot just throw the past onto the street but neither do we have to invite it into our current home.

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I know that you can't escape it. Whenever the past comes back to me it's always something that hurts me. I can't remember anything good. I try to remember times when I was happy and there's nothing. I know that being depressed can influence the things that you remember and how you remember, but much as I've tried I really can't remember ever being happy. It's not even the worst stuff, it's just petty episodes that tell the story of how I was always a fucking freak who never fitted in anywhere. It's probably not even particularly bad. I wasn't sexually abused, I wasn't bullied, I was just always somehow out of sync with everyone else and I've never been one of them even if I've sometimes pretended to be. And so the past is worthless, the future is hopeless and the present isn't much fun, and I forget what point I was trying to make but I probably just wanted to  scream all this fucking bullshit out somewhere.

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Depression can cause dissociation. Depression can also cause those feelings of hopelessness, of no past, and no future. Even without trauma in your past, you're allowed to have feelings. Firstly, it's not a competition.  There are no trauma Olympics. Secondly, you're allowed to have feelings. And MI is an illness that isn't necessarily pinned to past experiences.

I can't remember your dx, but it might be worth calling your pdoc and seeing if your meds are working as they should be.

 

If you want a good place to scream bullshit, that's what the blogs are for ^_^

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