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Feeling Defeated


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For 2 weeks straight  I was in a pretty moderate-severe manic episode, feeling euphoric, extremely talkative, racing thoughts, little to no sleep, ideas ideas ideas, preaching to people at work about my faith, pacing back and forth, more things to list but don't feel like it...well anyway this lasted for 2 solid weeks. Then abruptly out of nowhere, this overwhelming sadness like a wave of despair came in the middle of my work shift yesterday. People were in utter shock when I was no longer smiling, talking, laughing, preaching, pacing, etc. They said "what happened to your smiles and positivity and energy" I did not respond.  

 

This disorder is slowly killing me. How can somebody be so euphoric and manic for 2 weeks and have all that energy completely depleted in a matter of a second? This manic episode I did not slowly come down from...it happened so fast. Tears were in my eyes, my body felt so weak, I had to sit in the back to gain stamina... today I am exhausted, depressed, and solemn.

 

I take lithium...my level was 0.6 three weeks ago. What concerns me is that 2 months ago on the same dose my level was 1.2..so I probably need a higher dose to gain stability or another med added. I am on 900 mg right now.

 

However, I am sick of this! I have been on SO many medications since diagnosis. This is the ONLY one that I have been able to tolerate and has made a significant difference in my life....it just sucks to know it might not be enough.

 

Please send well wishes my way.

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Hi Butterflykisses,

Sorry to hear you've come crashing down. It's always a nasty shock, I know. 

 

Does your pdoc have a theory about why your level has halved? It seems a rather dramatic change to be just a natural variation in your body's processing of lithium, but I'm no expert, of course.

 

I hope you start feeling better soon :)

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Lithium was my wonder drug too. And while I could see it's use for depression, it took me a while to realize that my manias was NOT HEALTHY. No matter how many compliments I get from everyone else (who has no clue I am sick, or thinks mania is a welcome change from being depressed and them having to deal with me) even pleasant mania is NOT HEALTHY. 

 

Manic people are loud, rushed, impatient, rude and judgy. They are irritable. If they have a passion to talk about, they bang on about it with no pause for breath. They think they are inspiring and effusive, they are not. What happens with my mania is, and this is really important for the work I do, I lose my connection with other people. I cannot sit and listen calmly, I cannot focus on them, if anything, the person before me is a thing to talk at. The sad truth is, however much I delude myself when I am manic because I feel like a better person, I am not. People tolerate me, they don't flock to read my writing or hear me speak.

 

I hope the LIthium dose can be readjusted so you can preach with the skill I know you have when stable. But don't let mania fool you that it is helping you, it;s not.

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Lithium is a miracle drug, I wish I could still take it (I have kidney disease and because of the prevalence in my family, it's too risky to take it)

Have your levels checked. Are you on any other meds? Sometimes a PRN during mania can bring things down and into perspective. 

 

Mania is bad. Even if it feels good.

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Coming down from mania is rough, i feel you. I've been manic the past few weeks as well and am coming down. I felt so manic that i felt out of control and just wanted to come down. I'm slowing down now & feel a bit sad. I miss the energy (i got a LOT done) but know that the negatives outweigh the positives.

I feel like i was pretty annoying and overwhelming & may have taken on too much and now have to pick up the pieces. I hope you feel better soon.

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.... I lose my connection with other people. I cannot sit and listen calmly, I cannot focus on them, if anything, the person before me is a thing to talk at. The sad truth is, however much I delude myself when I am manic because I feel like a better person, I am not. People tolerate me, they don't flock to read my writing or hear me speak.

 

 

 

This is perfect. Thank you for articulating it so clearly.

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I remember my "good" hypomanias... like the one I got when I first moved out to Maryland. I could work faster and harder than in just about any other state (doing things I would find impossible to do in the time given otherwise), I was very sociable (and people reacted positively too), I was only a bit more impulsive than usual (usually manifested in drinking excessive quantities of coffee), and I was all-around happy (when I was not overtly elated), with the only apparent negative feature being that I would sometimes talk faster than others could keep up. But it never lasted, and always ended with a crash, into depression or a mixed state. They also always inevitably resulted in disappointment and frustration; people saw me as I was during "good" hypomania and, not seeing that as abnormal, wanted that back and wondered why I could not be like that again, even though I had come to be terrified by being hypomanic, knowing the inevitable crash just waiting to happen, and wished that I would never be that way again. But then, it seems that I did get my wish - I do not get hypomanias anymore, it seems, just mixed states...

Edited by Closure
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