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do you ever feel conflicted when you start to feel better?


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Do you ever feel conflicted when you start the process of maybe coming out of a depression? like maybe you don't deserve it? or that it isn't real? that it is just a momentary upswing and that you will be back in the depths at any moment?

 

I am starting to have days where things are starting to feel lighter. but I don't trust it. the hours and days that are better are interspersed with times that feel almost as bad as before.

 

so do I dare to hope?

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Absolutely, that's like the one thought I can't shake. Like the second I realize I'm in a good mood (very rare) I begin to immediately panic and feel like it's only a matter of time before I get back to  my "normal" messed up mood. Like I'm supposed to feel guilty for being happy. It sucks. 

Edited by AliveAgain
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Absolutely, that's like the one thought I can't shake. Like the second I realize I'm in a good mood (very rare) I begin to immediately panic and feel like it's only a matter of time before I get back to  my "normal" messed up mood. Like I'm supposed to feel guilty for being happy. It sucks. 

 

^THIS. I also worry people wont believe I am still mentally ill.  Once I am in a good mood it is like, to others, that the MI has somehow magically gone away.

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When I started getting better, I began to be frightened, because it meant I would have to function like a "normal" person, when I wasn't ready yet. And it can be really hard to get your mojo back after you have been depressed a long time, even if you feel better on the whole. Which is not to say it can't be done, I'm just telling you what my fears were when my depressive episodes tailed off.

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Yes, it scares me a bit, too. I feel afraid it won't last, I feel afraid that I will be well enough to seem fine and people will expect me to function as though I am, but really I'm not quite ready for that. I feel afraid I'll be stuck in that halfway better limbo.

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When I started getting better, I began to be frightened, because it meant I would have to function like a "normal" person,

 

 

A variant on this:  I can't find it by search at present, but unless my memory has gone too, I started to topic called "Prepare to surface, Dive, Dive, Dive" (or similar) because coming out of depression I found the most daunting thing was starting to notice the mess of things lying around, (physically, paperwork and finances, relationships..) that needed sorting out from the months or years of neglect (due to indifference, denial, sheer inability to handle) while in the depression.  It could be a real temptation not to start in on the possibly horrific "to do" but just to sink back into inactive oblivion.

 

Felling better but "fragile", unable to trust myself or accord myself resilience in respect to rising above any little future knock ta might come along,  that was a separate sense of load, as insecurity.

"Is this broken leg properly healed, or  is it better to still walk with a limp and favour it?"

 

Chris.

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I am totally going through this right now. I want to stop taking my meds because I am starting to feel better and it is scary. I can't think of a good analogy for it, but it is a bit like getting off the plane in a foreign country. Everything seems slightly familiar, but different and I'm not sure what to expect.

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Absolutely! There's a lot of anxiety around it. Like right now I'm anxious because I know I'll be a little bored when I'm not manic. Being "normal" doesn't quite pack the same punch. At the same time I'm anxious because I know someday, eventually the depression will come back. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

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  I start to worry when beginning to feel better because I know I will start   taking risks spending money and think that  this time I will stay "up" and not get depressed again which we all know is a delusion .  I have been doing a lot of thinking during this low and I know I am fooling myself with this mindset and I am determined this time to stay home and away from other people and quit taking risks and

spending money on ideas that I will never follow through with which is just stupid! I just want this to stop so I go to sleep every night with the hope that I just don't wake up. YEEAAA this is so much fun!

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see part of the problem is that I am not quite sure what good looks like any more. im not crying every day. that's a good thing. I don't think about dying every day. so there is improvement. I just don't know whether to trust it. I don't know when to say ''ok, now im stable".

 

I feel like I am holding my breath. when will it be safe to breathe?

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see part of the problem is that I am not quite sure what good looks like any more. im not crying every day. that's a good thing. I don't think about dying every day. so there is improvement. I just don't know whether to trust it. I don't know when to say ''ok, now im stable".

 

I feel like I am holding my breath. when will it be safe to breathe?

I think it's safe to breathe when you one day find yourself realizing that you are breathing and you didn't have to think about it. It sounds like you are on your way there. Relax and let it come... and hopefully it will. I am presently waiting to breathe as well. Will this be the time? You never know until you get there. (Sorry to be weird. I haven't slept in a week or so.)

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I used to concentrate on every mood change, even normal fluctuations. I would think I might go manic if I started to feel good.  But, I've learned to relax and enjoy the feeling good.  I think I'm pretty stable.  I don't have psychosis and my moods are pretty steady, some mild depressions. I have a lot of anxiety, still,but I always have.  

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Do you ever feel conflicted when you start the process of maybe coming out of a depression?  that it isn't real? that it is just a momentary upswing and that you will be back in the depths at any moment?

 

Yes, it goes away as I start to stabilize, but for a few weeks at least I still feel like I am cringing inside, waiting for the next wave to start. That, and my insight starts coming back at that point and I can see how messed up I was.

 

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