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he's a complete deadbeat


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I know the pregnancy was unplanned, but my daughter's father is like the ultimate deadbeat. It makes me SO angry..and I don't know how to get past it. He won't even acknowledge the fact that she's been born, and he won't reply to any of my messages, and i pleaded with him to just please come and meet her... (she's 3 weeks old today). I filed for child support yesterday, but the soonest appointment they had is 6 weeks away..which totally sucks. and thats just to get it started..I feel like a terrible mom because I gave her such a deadbeat for a father and she'll never know half of her family, and it kills me..coupled with my depression it makes it so much worse. I'm just so frustrated and angry and don't know how to get past this. I feel like it's all my fault. :( I feel like i've already messed up my daughter's life. He doesn't even want to acknowledge the fact that she's alive..how can he not care? My friends all told me "he'll change his mind once she's born and he sees her" but he HASNT. he has no intention on ever meeting her...and I feel responsible. I've tried and tried to get him to come see her, and he won't reply to anything..I know I have to move on and get over this, but I don't know how right now. It's so hard to handle with the post birth hormones too..

 

and how am I supposed to look her in the eyes one day when she asks "where's my dad?" and tell her that he abondend her by choice. I cannot do that. I will not do that..I'd sooner rather tell her he died then tell her that he abondend her and never wants to meet her. I think that'd be easier, honestly, b/c at least b/c being dead isn't a choice..I don't want to break her heart one day..

Edited by lssmom86
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Yeah, this is a difficult situation.  Honestly, the child's father sounds like someone you probably don't want your child to be around too much, I'm guessing.

 

The only thing you really can do is to get financial support through the legal avenues.  Don't give him any slack if he doesn't pay child support.  Take him to court if he is financially a deadbeat.  If he can't be there physically or emotionally, you can make sure he is there financially.  

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Her biological father may be a deadbeat, but whose to say that you won't meet a wonderful man that loves your daughter?  You haven't ruined your daughter's life and its not your fault that her biological father is anything but.  I know you want him to love her, but, unfortunately, that's not possible.  But you can love her with all your heart and be a great mom to her.

 

I would keep pursuing the child support, but I think it would be best for you and your daughter if you could accept that her biological father is not going to be a part of her life.  And forgive yourself.  You haven't done anything wrong.

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Here's a little known fact about kids...

 

As long as they have just ONE significant healthy relationship... whether that be a biological parent, other family member, adoptive parent, foster parent, teacher, pastor, mentor, etc... mostly they turn out just fine.

 

What's more important to your newborn's health and wellbeing is a healthy, happy mom who has adequate support from her social network.

 

Try to not project out into the future. Love up your little snugglibug and enjoy every moment you can.

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What's more important to your newborn's health and wellbeing is a healthy, happy mom who has adequate support from her social network.

 

Try to not project out into the future. Love up your little snugglibug and enjoy every moment you can.

 

This times a billion.  One person to love you unconditionally. That is all we need to start our lives.  I know so many people with intact confidence and self-esteem despite horrific childhoods, because their mom gave them all the love they needed when they burst into the world.

 

Your babe is lucky to have you.  One day at a time, one year at a time.  Luv the snugglebug. ♡ That is enough. 

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Yeah, this is a difficult situation.  Honestly, the child's father sounds like someone you probably don't want your child to be around too much, I'm guessing.

 

The only thing you really can do is to get financial support through the legal avenues.  Don't give him any slack if he doesn't pay child support.  Take him to court if he is financially a deadbeat.  If he can't be there physically or emotionally, you can make sure he is there financially.  

couldn't agree more.  even if he was in her life, I can guarantee it still would not feel like enough.

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Thanks everyone..I'm just so overwhelmed and upset..he was kind of back and forth the whole pregnancy, i really thought it'd be different once she was born, and people assured me it would be, hell at one point we looked into getting a place together. But now, I'm thinking he never had any intention on taking any responsibilty at all and was just jerking me around the whole time. I'm just so overwhelmed, I don't know what I'm doing with this whole baby thing, I'm trying hard to be a good mom but I feel like I'm just trying to keep her alive.. I really need the help finically too, and waiting 6 weeks for just the inital appointment is a long time to wait..but i suppose i have no choice. I guess all I can really do is concentrate on my daughter and love her enough for two people..thanks everyone I appreciate the responses. I'm just trying to take a day at a time.

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If you are unsure of your parenting skills, maybe you could call your Dept. of Social Services and ask if they have parenting classes.  Or if you have a loving aunt or mother, why not get them involved and ask them to come over so you can ask questions?  It's hard to be a mother and it doesn't come "naturally" to anyone.

 

It is to your credit that you want to do a good job with your baby.  However, I agree with the others that if she has one parent who loves her unconditionally, that is more than many children have.

 

If the biological father doesn't want to be involved, do what you can to get child support---but don't expect him to do any more than that.  Look around you for other males---your brothers or uncles or other male relatives who will interact with your daughter as she grows up.  There will be lots of love from them if you encourage regular contact.

 

olga

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Are you hooked up with WIC? Or as olga suggested, newborn parenting classes?

 

You might also check with public health in your city or county to see if they offer newborn support. Usually places have a visiting nurse program to promote maternal-child health. They can help you get hooked up with stuff you need and support you need too. Sometimes they even teach infant massage. :)
 

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  • 4 weeks later...

You are both better off without him in your lives, IMHO. When your daughter is older (a lot older) she will be able to understand more and you can explain it to her in a way that isn't so harsh as 'he abandoned you by choice.' She will probably start asking about her dad around age three or four and at that time you can just explain to her that there are all kinds of families out there, and that her daddy unfortunately just wasn't ready to be a daddy, but that you love her very much and you'll always be there for her no matter what. When she's older she will start to figure it out and you can be more open.

 

As for now... try not to be so hard on yourself. I was in your situation 4 1/2 years ago and I know how scary it is but you can only do the best you can! There are kids with two parents that don't care half as much as you obviously do about your daughter---she's lucky to have you.

 

For the record, my daughters bio father is still not involved in her life at all, but he does pay child support because I went through the state. I have since married an amazing person who loves my daughter like his own. I can't imagine the life my daughter and I would have had if we stayed with her bio father... it would have been a life of pure misery for us both. Focus on your daughter now and just giving her all the love and happiness you can. Spend time with family and close friends as much as possible. If you're able to have a parent or trusted friend watch the baby every so often so you can have a little break... it will help immensely. 

 

Do you have full custody? Is the father on the birth certificate?

Edited by neurotic0
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