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I'm going to try not to write a book here, but if I do, I have a feeling you guys will understand.


I always knew something was off about me.  I was a hyper, super friendly kid that most kids looked at funny and I never knew why.  I had my first major psychotic mania when I was about 19 followed by my first major depressive episode.  The kind where just rolling over is too hard and breathing becomes manual and a chore.  Did I get help?  Nope.  Had no clue what caused it, so I blamed it on the boyfriend I was living with and after returning to my sense of normal, I moved out and hooked up with a guy I knew for all of 8 hours and decided to move from Northern California to Southern California.  I sold everything I owned except some clothes and the ride began.


He always called me crazy and I didn't see it.  I thought he was just stupid, so after a few years living in various places for no longer than 6 months at a time, I moved on.  While with him, I experienced ups and down, one down resulting in loss of employment.  We were homeless for a few months and then I met a girl who said I would be a great stripper. OK!  I tried it, liked it and did that for a few years.  It was great because I could take time off when I was down.  I made so much money while manic!  Woohoo!


After shaking this guy from my life, I met the love of my life.  We dated, moved in together and had a son.  I became a stay at home mom.  While I was pregnant we connected to the internet and I decided to try to figure out what was wrong with me, fix it and then not pass it on to my child.  Well, there wasn't much on the 'net in 1997, but I figured I had a split personality and reading about that led me to Bipolar and Borderline.  I decided I had Borderline, so I commenced to fix myself.  I realize now that I was depressed most of my pregnancy and went full blown psychotically manic after giving birth.  They gave me something for sleep in the hospital and the tv started talking to me.  That was fun.


My BD (baby daddy :), we never married because I didn't believe in marriage) got an engineering degree and we started moving all over the country every year for his job.  I got high in the moves and then would crash after being settled for a few months.  I put my family through hell, but I tried my best to make things good.  It seems I go full manic every 5-7 years.  I tried to leave my family twice during manias.  It was for their own good and, being a stay at home mom, I desired adventure and to truly live, whatever that means.  It made sense at the time.


So in 2009, I decided to move into the spare bedroom and get my college education.  Oh!  I forgot to mention that I had discovered that if I drank too much, enough to get a hangover, that my mind would be controllable for a few days.  So, I'd start to rev up and then binge drink every few days, but all I did was develop alcoholism.  I had also gotten help, diagnosis and meds in 2001 which lasted for about 6 months until I decided they were wrong and I was Borderline so meds weren't what I needed, but therapy was a waste of time, so I kept trying to control myself.  I turned to Buddhism, which helped, but didn't stop the ride.  I also tried to get help in 2006, but after a year or so, I again decided I was the only one that could help me.


So, 2009!  Yeah, well my drinking had become more frequent and my anxiety levels shot through the roof.  I decided to kill myself one drunken evening, but all I got was a DUII and totaled vehicle.  I think that DUII saved me because I was forced into treatment.  It was a co-occurring treatment place and it slowly sank in that I DID have Bipolar and not Borderline because I met some folks with Borderline and while I could relate, they were not quite like me in the ways I ruined things.  They usually had an emotional reason for flipping while I just flipped for no reason.  Things would be awesome in my life, but I wished for death.  Death in the family?  Let's party!  Laughing at a funeral, what?


So, my counselor talked me into applying for disability because I really needed to focus on me.  My BD and I were living together for our son at this point, who was now 13 and had planned on parting when he graduated high school, but we weren't getting along very well.  He was ready for the ride to stop and wanted to walk away.  I remember being so jealous of the fact that he had that option while I didn't.  I was stuck in this fucked up mess that was my mind.  I applied 3 times and never followed through because I hated the idea.  I could do this!


Things came to a head and he threw me 15k and I left.  I've been living on my own now since December of 2011.  I did really well for about a year, but I think I was mostly hypo due to the new stress of not being part of a team anymore.  I crashed hard, ended up in the hospital and lost my job over a 3 month period and am currently living with my mom and siblings in the house they have shared since my dad died in 2003.  I'm waiting on disability and just started seeing a therapist again.  I've no doubt anymore that I have Bipolar and need therapy and meds.  I've picked up this overwhelming anxiety because I do not trust myself.  I needed support and finally have it.  My BD, while he loved me, just blamed everything on my drinking even after a 5 year span of zero drinking and still experiencing the madness.  He wasn't very supportive and I wanted to believe what he did.


Anywho!  I need a more expansive support system and I've been reading here for a few weeks and decided to introduce myself and get to know you all a little better.  Currently, I'm experiencing a lot of rapid swings and mixed states due to the fact that when I lost my job, I lost my meds, but I had a stockpile of riperdal and remeron, so that's all I have.  It sucks.



Edited by Weird Fishes
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