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I want to close my eyes and never wake up

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I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing.  We all know how it feels. 

If you are able, try and remind yourself from time to time that every emotion is temporary.  Sometimes our minds have a way of tricking us into thinking these feelings will last forever.  Nothing lasts forever.

From what you have described, it sounds like it's medication related.  That does not make it any easier to process or live with. 

Sending positive vibes in your direction.

Keep on writing.

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I am sorry.  You're probably unstable from the SSRI and rattled from the withdrawal (and from the Klonopin taper? I found that really agitating).  Can't win for losing. Hopefully going back on, while it feels like a setback, will allow you to taper more slowly.  And I hate to undermine a Klonopin taper in progress, but an Ativan might not set you back too far.

I don't have GAD (I think) but I do get these agitated, confused, dysphoric states.  They respond quickly to Zyprexa (can't really compare Seroquel, as I never went above 75 mg) and, to a lesser extent, to lithium and low-dose Depakote.  I also found that the agitation of Lamictal did not go away at the higher doses; we just held it down with other meds until I had to stop Lamictal for other reasons.

I hope you get some good answers today.  Pulling for you.


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I also found that the agitation of Lamictal did not go away at the higher doses; we just held it down with other meds until I had to stop Lamictal for other reasons.


You had agitation from Lamactil, too? It's the only med my husband demanded that I stop taking.

You guys are right - everything passes with time. At least depression usually does. Panic and anxiety need PRN meds, in my opinion, though.

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Jill, good for you!

Recognizing that he is not healthy for you *and* doing something about it is absolutely wonderful.

I salute you for your courage!

It took alot more for me to leave my former pdoc and to this day I regret not leaving him sooner. I did (finally) make a formal complaint against him for unethical behavior. Recently found out that the investigation has begun, which initially scared the crap out of me. But I know that I did the right thing and it may prevent another vulnerable person from being beaten down.

Hope things continue to go well for you!


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Hi all,

I have a question that needs to be its own topic, although it has been touched upon in another thread in this forum. Okay. I'm doing so poorly it's not even funny. In May, after I put myself in the hospital voluntarily, I was diagnosed with the whole BP II thing. Before that, I'd been diagnosed with MDD, OCD, GAD, and panic disorder. Now, the pdoc (the one I started seeing in May) is second-guessing his BP II diagnosis, wondering if the old diagnoses were correct. (In the other post, I mentioned that in the past, SSRI's made me flip out or feel worse, with the exception of imipramine, my beloved antidepressant that stopped working for no reason last winter.)

Now, here's what's going on: I have unrelenting anxiety, panic, and depression. It's getting worse and worse every day. On October 22, pdoc finally yanked me off SSRI's, after finally getting with the program and realizing that even with mood stabilizers, they were making me either hypomanic, more depressed, or mixed. Not fun. I was taken off the drugs cold turkey.

Since the end of October, my condition (whatever the diagnosis is) has been spiraling downward. I don't know if it's withdrawal or not, but I'm going out of my mind.

Anyway, I see the pdoc tomorrow (I'll be getting a new one soon, as he's too authoritarian and thinks Seroquel is the answer to everything), and he wants to put me BACK on an SSRI. He thinks my present state is because I'm not on an SSRI. I don't know what I'm going to do, but am wondering what those of you with severe anxiety problems and BP II have taken with success to find relief (other than benzos). The OCD is driving me crazy. The depression is killing me. The anxiety is more than I can handle. My resting pulse is 200.

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Like my pdoc says, half of the pdocs out there are as crazy as the patients they are supposed to treat, and most of the others see so much MI each day they either get sick of it or convince themselves they are MI.  Mind you, this was the 5th pdoc I saw in a few short months when I had supreme paranoia and had panic attacks so bad I couldn't drive because I though every helicopter flying overhead was the FBI spying on me!

HELLO!  Any doctor worth his salt could recognize that I had severe paranoia.  And going to work?  I was convinced that every phone call to my boss was about me, and that every closed door involved me getting fired.  Hence more panic attacks.  And do you know how these geniuses of psychiatric degree treated me?  Without exception, with antidepressants.  Not one of them had the empathy to do any type of therapy or even give me a script for a benzo to stop the panic attacks that were ruining my life.

Now we all know how antidepressants and bipolar mixes.  If one of these idiots had bothered to take a history, they would have learned my history of severe overachieving followed by severe fallaparts.  Like less than two months earlier, I spent two years going to college full time (earning all A's, of course) working full time, cooking almost every night, cleaning my house, doing crafts, and getting about four hours of sleep.  Yes, I complained about chronic insomnia to the pdocs as well.

It wasn't until I totally freaked out from the SSRI's and paranoia (pdoc solution? increase the Lexapro) freaked out in the middle of a store because I had a panic attack and couldn't move afterward, couldn't leave the house, and became a REAL freak momma ans started nasty things like telling my kids goodbye and punishing myself physically, that I called pulled strings at work (which meant telling my boss  that my screws were loose, what fun) and getting the director of our health insurance's mental health program to make an appointment THAT DAY with the best pdoc in the whole insurance plan.

It's been a year of med changes, sometimes from hell, but I'm relatively stable now.  I feel with every fiber of my being that I owe my pdoc my life.

I guess the point of my really long winded story is that I've been right where you've been.  It's a big step to break from a pdoc, but it can be the best decision of your life when you do.  Call your insurance company and complain about the doctor.  Ask to speak with someone high up in the mental health food chain, like a manager or director.  Ask their recommendation for a doctor based upon patient reports.  If you get a director, they probably personally know all the doctors, and can tell you if one is an ass and if one is good, though they won't use those words.

Good luck, and you are making the right decision.

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Yay!  Escape hatch!  Meeting with the potentially-competent in a mere ten days! 

The abusive, controlling behaviors of your former pdoc are beyond justification.  Once you're securely in with someone new (hopefully Dr. Nov29th), could you file some sort of complaint? I have no idea what the law is like in your area, but there should be some sort of supervisory board in place to investigate negligence and abuses of power.  There's no evidence but your word for verbal abuse, but if enough former patients piped up with their experience, perhaps someone would be bright enough to connect the dots and devise some consequence for him.

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