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I want to die... I don't know what to do


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I'm bipolar II for the record.

God... i wanna die, i wanna close my eyes and drop of the earth, i just want to go to walmart to get... the things i'd need.... then go up the senic mountain drive to go to sleep and make sure i never wake up.

This is the worst depression i've been in, it won't let up, it gets worse every day. THis has been bubling inside me and renting me apart for a while now, and it's not letting up adn it's not getting better and no one can help me

What can i do? I can't wait for the fucking meds [seroquel lexapro welbutrian] to kick in, i can't wait that long, but so then what can i do? If i can't wait for that to kick in then i might as well kill my self no?

I have half a mind to check into some psych ward somewhere, as if i could do that with school and all but never mind that, could that even help? what would they do? what happens when you check into the hospitial? do i even need to be that drastic?

I don't want to die, i just want the pain to stop.... the only way i can see for that to happen is for me to die.... i'm open to other sugestions?

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Ok, I'm not BP, but I am in school.  If you're feeling this terrible, you really should check yourself into a hospital.  You'll be safe there.

Don't worry about school.  You can take a medical leave of absense for the semester.  School is not as important as your health.

Is there someone you can stay with right now?  A friend or family member, just so you won't be alone.

Please keep posting.  We're here, and we're listening, and we care about you.

~CS

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Hi welcome!

Sorry you are so low.

Call your Pdoc tommorow.  Tell them it is an emergency and that you are suicidal. Your doc should get you in quickly.

There are meds the doc can give you to get control immediately so you don't hurt yourself.  They are temporary, but will hold you over till the rest of you meds get up to speed.

If you feel that you are going to harm yourself:

- Go to the ER

- Call 911 and tell them you are suicidal.  They WILL help you.

- Look at the banner at the top "If you are suicidal".  Go that website and read the page.

- Go stay with a friend or relative who will keep you safe

Don't give up.  You will feel better.  Many of us have come through this.

A.M.

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Strained relationship or not, he still cares about you.  Your friend wants you alive, and he's probably not the only one. 

If you feel you're too tired of fighting to stay alive, like you have to take the immediate exit tonight, then call 911 or the local suicide prevention hotline.  They will come keep you safe.  You don't have to fight it alone. 

If what you need is someone's undivided attention, then I'd suggest calling a crisis hotline if your area has one.  The counselors will talk with you on the phone for hours.  There are occasional yobbos, but the vast majority of them are good at listening and good at not saying anything too stupid.  Many volunteer as counselors because they've been suicidal in the past, or someone they've known has suffered from major depression.  They tend to be good people.  They are there to help. 

If you feel you're definitely a danger to yourself, go to the ER.  From what I've been told by friends who voluntarily went, the treatment is okay.  After intake (asking how you will kill yourself, checking for physical causes, bagging your clothes and giving you a gown or two to wear), you will typically meet with the psychiatrist on call for a few minutes.  Past that, they will try to figure out the best med to help you immediately as well as which meds you should [continue] taking long-term.  When you're left in your room, someone will check on you every 10-20 minutes to be sure you're okay.  You will be safe here, but you will have less one-on-one talk time than if you called a telephone hotline.  The hospital, however, can give you meds to help you calm down and sleep in the short run, and make changes to your treatment plan as needed. 

I know you feel everything about you needs to go away, but it's not true.  You are alive right now, and things will get better in time.  Holding out is worth it.  Please keep yourself safe.  If you don't want to burden your friend, call a hotline (they exist for when you feel this way) or call 911, or go to the hospital yourself.  You will be okay.  Keep yourself alive -- however you do that is struggle enough -- and work on the rest when you're stronger. 

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I know what it feels like to just want the pain to stop. When the depression sets in that deeply, the pain of being awake and breathing is so excruciating, it feels like your soul is dead already.  But that feeling is TEMPORARY.  It does not feel like it when you are experiencing it, but you will not feel like that forever. I promise.

If you do something to end the pain forever, well then you won't be around to experience life when the depression lets up.  And it will let up.  I promise.

Please soak up the advice that others have given you on this thread.  There are people out there in your community that are there to help.  You just have to reach out. 

I think it's a good sign that you are reaching out to us here.  This is a great place for support during the rough spots, and we've all been there.

Please keep posting, let it out.  And try and do one thing to take care of yourself tonight.  Hang on.

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Hi Adnama,

Holy mama! Are we the same person? I think you're my long-lost identical twin! I swear, I could have written a post identical to the one you've written. In fact, I started one earlier titled something like, "I want to close my eyes and never wake up."

As for myself, my present state of agony and despair is likely due to being on the wrong meds or having been yanked off the right (or wrong) meds cold turkey. I have unrelenting depression, anxiety, panic, and OCD. I've been feeling like I just can't take it any longer, but here's the catch: as poorly as I'm doing now, I intellectually know it's just temporary. Plus, it's far, far better than how things were for me before I voluntarily checked myself into the hospital in May. This is just a temporary setback due to changing medications.

But back to what's important: the hospital. Like you, I had never been in a hospital before. All I knew was that I felt like I couldn't hang on any longer. I was just too tired, and had had enough. My parents and I were freaking out, as we all felt the hospital was taboo. But they wanted me alive, so I said, "Well, then I have to go to the hospital. I'm afraid to, but I know it's what I have to do." (Yes, I do remember the conversation verbatim.)

I had been suffering my whole life with MDD, GAD, OCD, and panic disorder, and my antidepressant had inexplicably stopped working. I figured that at the very least, I could get medicine in the hospital.

Here is a summary of my experience as an inpatient:

My parents drove me to the ER, and I waited for the lady at the desk to call my name. (You wait in the general ER waiting area.) Then, I was interviewed by the intake man. He wasn't a "crazy people" intake man. He was the same guy who was getting vitals and information from every other patient who had been waiting in the ER. I told him what was going on, and then I was led to another waiting area in the actual ER. We walked past the curtained cubicles from which I could hear people moaning in pain, puking, etc. I thought I'd be waiting in one of those curtained deals, but he took me to an actual room with rubber walls. My parents and I sat in there (even the chairs were rubber) for about 20 minutes.

We actually thought it was amusing. There was a camera watching us, and we were joking about what the person at the other end of the lens would think if I started running into the walls or jumping on the chairs. (Lame humor, but at that time, we could have used anything to make us smile.)

Anyway, the psychiatric resident and social worker came in to speak with me. I told them my whole sob story, and how I just couldn't go on any more. They asked me if I was going to kill myself, and I said I didn't think so, but I just couldn't stand the pain anymore. I then told them that I wanted to be hospitalized. I was so scared of what was to come. I was crying hysterically. I want to add that they were so, so kind and understanding.

I was taken to the inpatient unit, and I was shocked. It was lovely. It looked kind of like a hotel (this was a university hospital), and the patients were normal. I was immediately glad to be there. Granted, there were the stereotypical patients who were walking around talking to themselves, but they were few in number. (I mention this, because this is how I pictured psychiatric units.) Most of the patients were young like you and I are. There were a lot of college kids there for depression, anxiety, etc.

I had a roommate, but we had our own bathroom. The people who worked in the unit were so, so nice. The food was good. There were visiting hours and two televisions. You could use the phone whenever you wanted. At the same time, everything was suicide-proof, and the techs on the floor checked on you every 15 minutes to make sure you were still ticking. The people who had college courses they couldn't miss (I've already graduated from college and grad school....ironically, I'm a therapist) didn't have to worry, as the hospital corresponded with their professors.

A psychiatrist and his team of residents were assigned to me. They were wonderful. They diagnosed me with BP II, rapid cycling, mixed episode, dysphoric mania, etc. Nurses gave me my new meds, and I began to feel better. I was released after two days.

Checking myself into the hospital was the best thing I've ever done for myself in my entire life.

I don't know what option you'll choose, but I beg you not to not even consider death. Like me, you don't really want to die; you just don't know how else to end the pain. (That's what you wrote.) You asked about the hospital, so I hope I gave you a good description of my experience.

Please keep posting!

Jill :-)

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Jill~

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  There are a lot of unpleasant stories of people being involuntarily committed, but your story really made me feel better about the health care system.  If I'm ever down at the very bottom of the pit of despair, I'll have somewhere to go where people will take care of me.

Adnama, lmnop is right about your friend.  But, if you don't feel comfortable calling him, do call a hotline.  In fact, I'm going to start volunteering at one in January (I have to wait for the next training class).  Here's a site that lists helplines/suicide hotlines by location in the United States: http://www.befrienders.org/helplines/usa/index.php  They have lists for other countries as well.

I know it's scary.  But it isn't permanent.  It really does go away.

Keep posting.

~CS

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Guest FrannyNZooey

CS, IF  You Ever feel low or need to share feel like we load so much on you and all we give back is skin care which you even know so much about. Please, just known we want to be here for you too.

Aly

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Aly, thank you so much!  That's really sweet!  Come visit my thread some time...I'm warm and fuzzy...deal with it!  Adnama, Jill, themind, that goes for all of you, too.

Adnama, how are you feeling?  Please take care of yourself.  Call a hotline, go to the hospital, whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe.  Your mental health is the most important thing here.

Love,

CS

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Its been a really... really rough past couple of days.

But i did a good thing yesterday, I called up my shrink and told the nurse that I need to see the doc the very next day, first thing in the morning, no  matter what. I had an emergency walk in deal this morning at 9:30.

I'm slightly afraid that it's actually my doctor who's trying to kill me [kidding...] he upped my wellbutrian from 150 to 300, lexapro from 20 to 40, seroquel's still 50, and added 1000mg depakote... in 2 days i go up to 1500. Yipes.

I see him again on wed morning. I get the feeling that if there isn't some kind of improvement the next decision on the table will be wheather or not i go to the nut house.

I must say that your hospital descriptions are comforting.... but my big problem with checking in is school. I'm a highschool senior, and let me tell you i want to graduate class of 2006 if i'm gonna live that long, you know?

I just dunno what to do... i'm in a bad bad place right now, and i need out asap.

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I see what you mean about school.  However, the semester is almost over.  How are you doing in your classes?  Do you think your teachers would let you take an incomplete, then make up the work when you're feeling better?

Have you applied to colleges yet for next year?  You may want to consider taking a year off.  Plenty of people do.  I took a year off between undergrad and graduate school.  With that extra time, you could get a job and save some money for tuition.  It doesn't necessarily have to be full-time.  Whatever is the most comfortable for you.  If I were you, I'd discuss it with my p/tdoc.  Another option is to take some courses at a community college.  You can take care of some of your liberal arts requirements, and it'll be much cheaper than taking the same courses at a four-year college.  You have a lot of options for next year.  Just because society is telling everyone "you must go to college right after high school" doesn't mean it's true.

Take care of yourself.  Let us know how it goes with the new med combination.  Remember--although it seems like taking time off from school to go to the hospital would completely disrupt all your plans, it's not really that big a deal.  Do what's best for your health, and the rest will fall into place.

Take care.

~CS

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I must say that your hospital descriptions are comforting.... but my big problem with checking in is school. I'm a highschool senior, and let me tell you i want to graduate class of 2006 if i'm gonna live that long, you know?

I just dunno what to do... i'm in a bad bad place right now, and i need out asap.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi Adnama,

My name is Jill, and I wrote earlier about my experience in the hospital. I was so relieved to hear that you saw the pdoc. His medication changes seem rather potent, so please let us know how the medicinal end of things works out.

I'd like to apologize for having incorrectly asssumed that you are a college student. When you wrote "school" in your first post, I automatically thought of college, placing you in your early-to-mid-20's. (I just turned [gulp] 30, which I do still consider young.)

It sounds like a big part of you would like to be taken care of in a hospital, but another chunk of you is freaking out about school. Your life is more important than school, but I can understand how the issue is causing you a great deal of stress. Perhaps what I'm about to write will help you solve your dilemma by creating a clearer picture of your situation. I just don't want your school worries to prevent you from getting the help you need, especially if you feel you'd be best helped by voluntarily checking yourself into a hospital.

(Okay. Now I'm unmasking myself

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See... the problem with my school concelor.... is he dosn't care much about health problems of the mental sort. None of them do.

My concelor seems like a cool guy at first... he's very dorky. But a few weeks ago I talked to him about getting an off period in the mornings so that i'd have time to do my homework [which i can't get finished at night because i crash]

When I told him that I was bipolar and whatnot, he made a few cracks about it "oh friday night dates with you should be fun, yeah let me have a coke for me and a bottle of prozac for my date."

ha...ha...ha

"So what happens to you at night? do you tease up your hair and turn into a vampire?"

Ha...ha

His final conclusion was "my family doctor says if you can function it's not really a problem, and you look fine to me so...."

Gerr that man. A friend of mine also hates him because of his dismissal of my friend's ADD problems ["if you haven't been diagnoised yet then you won't be, you're just lazy"]

So... yeah...

I'm very behind in my English 4 AP class, my teacher is working with me, but it's hard going.

The other thing is it's my understanding that in my district, after you miss a certain number of days [something like 10] you loose credit no matter what.

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

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*sends poisoned brownies to Adnama's school councelor*

I don't really have anything to suggest, other than the aforementioned poisoned brownies.  What a terrible person!  Assholes suck.  Assholes who are teachers/councelors/doctors are a special brand of evil.  Anyone who uses a job like that as a power trip...  I really hate those people.

I'm glad your English teacher is cool.  Hm...definitely talk to your p/tdoc about the school situation.  He/she should be able to help you figure out a solution, and should also speak with the powers that be at your school.

How's it going so far with the new meds?

~CS

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See... the problem with my school concelor.... is he dosn't care much about health problems of the mental sort. None of them do.

My concelor seems like a cool guy at first... he's very dorky. But a few weeks ago I talked to him about getting an off period in the mornings so that i'd have time to do my homework [which i can't get finished at night because i crash]

When I told him that I was bipolar and whatnot, he made a few cracks about it "oh friday night dates with you should be fun, yeah let me have a coke for me and a bottle of prozac for my date."

ha...ha...ha

"So what happens to you at night? do you tease up your hair and turn into a vampire?"

Ha...ha

His final conclusion was "my family doctor says if you can function it's not really a problem, and you look fine to me so...."

Gerr that man. A friend of mine also hates him because of his dismissal of my friend's ADD problems ["if you haven't been diagnoised yet then you won't be, you're just lazy"]

So... yeah...

I'm very behind in my English 4 AP class, my teacher is working with me, but it's hard going.

The other thing is it's my understanding that in my district, after you miss a certain number of days [something like 10] you loose credit no matter what.

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh my gosh. I'm speechless. If you could see me right now, you'd see my eyes pooping out of my head and my mouth hanging open. Never in my life have I heard of a professional (school counselor or not) in a school emotionally and verbally abusing a student, which is exactly what your school counselor has done to you and your friend. I'm seriously in shock. Does he know you're suicidal? Have you gone in with your parents to speak with him?

I'm so upset about this that I'm rambling, but the most important part of a school counselor's job is working with students with behavioral, emotional, and mental issues. That's a school counselor's responsibility. That's why the word "counselor" is in the job title.

Regardless, this man has no business working with kids, and I doubt his superiors are aware of his behavior. Could you please tell your parents and English teacher about him? Repeat to them exactly what you wrote above. You can take legal action. He needs to be exposed. At the moment, I understand that you're not well enough to battle him, but you will be well again, and you seriously need to do whatever is necessary to prevent him from hurting other students.

As for the whole missing ten days of school things, my district dismisses any absentee rules if a student is in crisis. Your English teacher sounds very supportive. Perhaps you can speak with each of your teachers about your work, and they can speak to the school counselor.

I'm still in shock, Adnama, and am so sorry that the man who is supposed to be your advocate is essentially harassing you. He would be fired in two seconds if your community read what he's said to you.

You may also consider having your parents speak to your district's superintendent, as he/she has the power to override your unprofessional, abusive, half-assed counselor.

Please keep posting!

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I have an even better idea.  Adnama, move to Jill's school district.  Then, the two of you can kick the other half of your half-assed councelor's ass.  I'll come too.  I can work out my aggression towards my high school choir teacher, who told me I didn't have a good voice.  (BTW, I'm now working on my MM in voice performance.  Eat that!)

Oops!  /threadjack

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Does he have to know *why* you're checking into the hospital?  Can he just know you're being hospitalized for a medical problem?  I mean, maybe you're having an emergency appendectomy (I'm sure I made about a million spelling errors there).

Anyway, have a wonderful Thanksgiving.  It's good that you're having a break from school.  Let us know what the docs have to say.

Oh, and I'll have limited internet access for a while, but PM me if you need anything.

~CS

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