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anybody ever take lithium alone?


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i'm doing a med wash-out and the last one left is lithium (i should fix my sig, i'm at 750mgs now).

 

i feel like i'm having a mixed state that's all happening inside my head but none of it gets out (emotional expression or behaviour).  like it's all fizzing inside me, and lithium has a lid on top of it.  i can feel all the terrible feelings, but i can't express them.  i have bizarre thoughts but i can't talk about them.  i have the desire to go out and spend every last dime i don't have, but i can't stay out of my chair long enough to do that.  i can see myself throwing and smashing things, i can see myself curled up on the floor begging for the reaper, but it goes no further than my imagination.  (this is good, i suppose).

 

pdoc says that's not unusual in this situation but to me it feels goddamned disturbing - i've never "felt" without being able to "act".  or had strong urges that i actually cannot act on, and not because i'm "doing the right thing", but because i'm somehow without agency.  and emotionally flat on the outside regardless of what's happening inside, but not in that oversedated kind of way.

 

the only thing the lithium lid doesn't cap is the off the charts anxiety, but clonazepam is fixing that.

 

it actually does feel like a chemical band-aid.  like, it's not fixing anything, but it's making sure the crazy doesn't leak out all over my life.

 

anybody ever experience this?  it is hella weird.

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That sounds like me about 2/3 of the time. My inside and my outside don't often match. It's frustrating at times. My pdoc has finally learned to listen to my words and not so much my actions. Well, except for when I'm manic and that's pretty stinking hard to miss.

 

I've felt the way you describe on all sorts of meds and on no meds. 

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thanks for the feedback.  syl i can't believe you feel like this 2/3rds of the time... it's such an odd feeling!  so it's not really lithium per se, just something that happens sometimes.  for different reasons for different people.  of course.  i should have known that....

 

i'm going to play guinea pig for the med students again today, it must be weird interviewing me when i am saying how i feel and not really displaying much of anything.  i'm not a very good example of typical, heh.  or maybe that's why they pick me in the first place :P

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- i've never "felt" without being able to "act".  or had strong urges that i actually cannot act on, and not because i'm "doing the right thing", but because i'm somehow without agency.  and emotionally flat on the outside regardless of what's happening inside, but not in that oversedated kind of way. [...]

anybody ever experience this?  it is hella weird.

 

That's pretty much the way I feel on Lithium.  Almost exactly.  I don't have much emotional flatness but I'm just now up to where I need to be.  Honestly, with the emotional mess my life had become with the uncontrolled hypomania and mania, I'm okay with some flatness for a while.  I think a shitload of stuff but an never impelled to do it like I used to be.  All the pressure is gone.

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