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I wonder if I have PTSD...


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I have DID, but I'm not sure if that automatically comes with PTSD, or if these feelings are just a side effect.

I had an odd childhood, and certain things even today I have to avoid or they'll make me freak out or space out. But it's really stupid reasons, so I think it's just my fault and I'm over reacting... I was never hit by my parents, except once by my dad, and once my mom pushed me into a wall, but just those two things and they didn't even hurt all that badly.

It's just dumb things, like when I was little, I didn't like those bug shells that were stuck on trees, so dad took a whole bucket with hundreds of them and dumped them on my head. And now I'm absolutely terrified of the things. And dad would always call me stupid and tell me I'd grow up to be just like mom. Mom never went to college and let dad beat her up... I didn't want to be like that, but he made me think I was doomed to that same fate.

I always remember vividly all the times dad beat up mom, but I know there were good memories too, I just can't remember them, and it makes me feel guilty, because I'm blaming them for such silly little things. I would freak out when dad did those things to mom, and I'd run out of the house screaming for help.

See? It's nowhere near as bad as some of the stories I've heard, about sexual abuse and repeated beatings... I feel like complete crap for being so freaked out about my past when it's not even all that bad...

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my outsiders opinion is that you have ptsd.  watching your dad beat up mom is pretty traumatic.

and it's not about how your experiences compare to other people, it's about how they effect you.  everyone is different and has different tolerances and triggers and sensitivities: what bothers me may not bother you.  what counts is 'did what happen cause you problems?'.

ptsd isn't a club where you have to meet certain qualifications to join.  it's a natural human reaction to stressful circumstances.  some people have the reaction, some don't.  and it comes in mild, moderate and severe as well.

if it were me, i'd quit worrying about whether i qualify, or feeling guilty about it, and just work on fixing it so your life is better.  that's the point, really:  beating the ptsd so it doesn't interfere with our lives.

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Guest ~Aurelie~

hi niz

i just wanted to add that when we're children we're in the most crucial developmental stages of our lives.  our brains are still growing.  as adults we tend to play down certain things that actually were traumatic as children. some, not all,  of the things that happened to us as children might not have affected us so badly if the same thing were to happen to us as adults.  do you know what i mean?  i'm not so good at making things coherent these day's.

i do the same thing as you, though.  just the other day in a session with my t i found myself once again trying to rationalize things, like it was my fault, and that worse things happen to other people so why am i having these awful symptoms~ as if that's my fault too, i should be over it by now, etc etc.

but reddog is soooo right, and i need to take her advice as well, that the fact that counts most is we ARE having the symptoms, and WHAT can we do about THAT?

great post reddog, i really needed to read that today.

take care niz, be good to yourself.

aurelie

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There were some awful things in your childhood! It doesn't have to be you that's being abused, watching your dad do that to your mom must have been stressful.

Also, PTSD is not necessarily related to childhood experiences. I had a fairly 'normal' and pleasant childhood, the things that trigger my problems happened when I was already an adult.  The diagnosis is not so much based on what happened to you, but on the behaviors and problems you have today as a result of something. And that can be something that was awful for you, but not for me.

Fiona

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