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I haven't seen my neighbor in a little while but lately I have this ticking I hear and it's been keeping me up unless my partner is awake to watch over and that happens in the day. I know something is coming but I don't know what. If I knew I would definitely let people know unless you wouldn't care about the apocalypse.

I just don't know what to do anymore

It reminds me of that line in the grapes of wrath

Growing heavy

Do you think it counts against me that I didn't go outside today?

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I forgot a line.

As maybe it's not clear that I slept during the going outside times

In lieu of going outside

Before the question:

So I slept all day and prioritized sleep

And now I'm really not wanting to go out because there are noises and stuff and I'm not even going to get in a twist about all of the reasons I'm not dealing with outside right now

But so was that the better plan than not sleeping and just pushing through and going out so then I could say at group tomorrow that I went eight days

Why is there always something?!?!?!!!!

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I try to always prioritize sleep.  Some days I cant because of appts, but otherwise I make sure I am home a lot to do so.  If I don't prioritize sleep eventually I will become paranoid (very) of germs and will start hallucinating.  It takes about 3-4 days of not enough sleep to get that way.  So I always make sure I sleep, and force myself to at least lay down if I haven't in awhile to rest; I usually end up falling asleep when I do that.

 

I think you did the right thing.  Something I would have done.

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Sleep is very important. I try my very best to sleep every night so i don't get unstable. It takes me a few days of little sleep to go downhill, but after that it's hard to get the sanity back. Same reason I try to keep my stress level down.

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he knows, titania...he knows that the neighbor has been around but isn't and that i had had silence for awhile and now things are permeating the barriers my psychiatrist and all of them try to put I to place with medication and so forth

the difficulty with sleeping is that i need protection you realize

but then i end up sleeping when i should be outside and not letting

agoraphobia win again

this is all probably shortsighted since there's really nothing he can do to protect me

it's been made clear that the ticking is just that and i just haven't figured out the time

and the buzzing i think is them chipping away and sending tests through

the problem is what breaks through first?

well what broke through lately is the neighbor

that's not a good sign

i am tempted to just solicit orders and hope he gets here first

but then maybe the ECT destroyed his ability to get through and only his

because it didn't destroy everything and they are coming

WJ7#: i should've selected a better title because it's not that there's no sleeping for me; it's that i have to choose and i don't understand your response as having to do with my question and suspect it's because there's a lack of communication clarity on my part. or you're fucking with me and trying to make me look stupid. but you're probably not.

MELISSA: cheers and that is the difficulty today is the appointments i have but partner promised he'd wake me up before going to bed late last night and he did so i've managed to get a decent amount of sleep but now today it's going to suck to go to panic group and say i didn't leave the house sunday, but then the fact that i'm there will be a win and i had left seven straight days prior. no sunday would've been seven. six is still a lot of days in a row.

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i ask so much of him

maybe but then maybe i don't know what that would look like

he is employed so he can't watch over all day

the weekend was fortuitous

do you ever think that maybe such emphasis is given to sleep is they're in league? or it's yet another test without solution to watch me scramble

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As Mr. Tastybutt said, sleep is important for the mind and body to rest. It's not to make you scramble. We are built biologically for sleep to be most restful at night and for us to be up and about during the day. Can you work on getting your schedule back in sync with day/night? Aside from being more restful, it'd make fighting the agoraphobia easier and perhaps some of the breakthrough psychosis less present.

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no...not that sleep is intended to scramble me

i mean the choosing

 

 

so it's like

 

i'm supposed to get as much sleep as possible (that's maybe 7.5 hours as what my ideal needs are)

i'm supposed to leave the house daily

 

how the fuck am i supposed to do both of those things when there's stuff outside at night

and i can't sleep when my partner's asleep because then who's standing guard?

 

it just seems like a lose lose situation and i don't know how i'm supposed to accomplish both things

 

i did get sleep this weekend though

i got a lot yesterday during the day...pretty much all day

and then again until maybe two AM today

 

i'm trying to be all proactive and shit and figure out how to navigate this conundrum given i have group at four until half past five

and then i could sleep prolly until two AM again

but i have to eat so

shit

i totally forgot about eating

 

ok, so maybe i could do seven PM to two AM and then that's seven hours sleep and then as long as i leave my house for group today and then maybe that's my new schedule during weekdays when my partner's working?

 

how the fuck do people manage to schedule all of this sleeping and eating and leaving daily?!?! it's kind of a lot and that's like, literally...ten percent of my self care checklist

 

and am i more difficult to understand of late because i read what i've written on this thread and it totally makes sense to me but then it seems like others find me unclear...or is that not happening? i really don't know so, yeah, let me know.

 

oh! i could eat now and then not have to worry about it later.

i'll do that.

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Ah. I see. The choosing what to do when is what's making you scramble. That makes sense. It would me too. You probably said it just fine. I'm a little fuzzy these days.

 

Maybe no one has to stand guard. Not trying to screw with you. But, really, are you sure it's necessary? Can you do some logic testing? I have no idea the answer since I don't live near you or fully understand what you think is happening. Sorry if you explained. The pain pills effect my comprehension. But, I know that this question is an important one to ask.

 

You posted a thread about reality testing not too long ago. You asked about what skills you could work on to improve your reality testing. Part of the answers had to do with trusting that if it didn't make sense to others and that if you couldn't find external proof to support your suspicion, that you could try to trust the interpretation of events that someone you trusted had and stick the questionable belief on the back shelf of your brain. We aren't there to say what's what, but your partner is. Does your partner think you have to stand guard? If not, then maybe it's okay to sleep after 2:00 a.m. (assuming that it isn't too noisy to do so).

 

ETA: I hope this made sense. I really am a little fuzzy headed right now.

Edited by AnneMarie
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