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I want to start writing about my belief system, because it's brought me nothing but misery and I feel there's a lot of unhealthy obsession there. I've begun taking a serious look at my beliefs and behavior since I was Dx with bipolar and put on more meds. In reading about schizophrenia and the positive and negative symptoms, a lot of bells started ringing. I said "This is quite possibly the source of all my anxiety and depression and mishandling of my life." I see the doc tomorrow to ask about it.

 

Since 2001 I have been: a) struggling with substance abuse, and b) researching eschatology or "the end of the world." I have read a lot of channeled material and incorporated much of it into my belief system. I am convinced that Earth is about to experience a major transformation to a higher realm of existence, that Earth is a feeding ground for hyperdimensional beings, and that those beings are out to get me. Oh, and psychopaths run our world. In other words, every day I live as if these things are true, and at the same time try to play along with the mundane reality I find so fake and pointless. Since I was 18 I felt that I was destined for something great, that my art or my work would help lots of people. As I did research and started building the belief system, I understood that I incarnated here and now to carry out a mission. There are others like me all over the planet with a similar mission.

 

In my mundane life I can barely function. I'm terrible with social cues, I fumble the simplest of tasks, I often neglect chores and personal hygiene. When I get asked a question, my answer is often evasive and totally irrelevant. I start a sentence on one topic and finish on another, ramble on and on, and I use a lot of big words that people don't understand. Recently I started seeing a psychological counselor and I was asked if I could give my beliefs up. I said that I couldn't, that I had opened the door to something really big and once that door is open it can't be shut again. Then I was asked how my beliefs had benefited me. I tried to write a list but it was pathetic. I was lying to myself that I got something out of it. The more I thought about it the more I realized that lie was a major part of the problem. I took the symptoms of schizophrenia and tried applying them to my whole adult life, and I could see a pattern, a progression. Little by little I had worked myself into this fantasy world, and nobody else thought like me, nobody validated my beliefs.

 

I feel devastated. I think about all the time I wasted building this shit up inside me just so it could hurt me and others. I've been selfish, hostile, untrustworthy, and arrogant. I thought I knew better than most people, that I had figured out the secrets to life's greatest questions. I'm such a fool. There was so much right in front of me that I couldn't see. I was blind to it. Now that I am starting to see, it's terrifying and depressing and angering. How do I pick up the pieces when my world has been shattered? How do I start from scratch and build a model of reality that actually conforms to what others experience? I'm so lost and scared and sad right now. This is a nightmare that I will never wake up from.

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This will sound cavalier but moving forward can be as basic as letting go of the past and giving yourself a clean slate. Letting go of the past was one of the most difficult things that I've done. I blamed and punished myself for a few things for a long time. Now I see that period of being mad at myself as more wasteful than the prior things I did that I regretted. When I lived my regrets, when I couldn't see my MI and get help, I was living in the present and I can see now that I was doing the best that I could at the time. When I was living filled with self-disappointment and recrimination for the crazy and not getting treatment for so long, I was focusing my present life on the past even though the past was done and I could not change it. That was wasted time. When I started focusing on the present and the steps necessary to grow into a more positive future, I started to live again.

 

Can you start living in the present? Today really is all there is for sure. What happened in the past is done. Your beliefs have changed. This happens to many people. Let them go. It's hard but worth it. You don't have to regret a life experience. It happened. Learn from it instead of regret it.

 

As for what type of MI you have, it is hard to say and we don't diagnose here. In the end, what matters is that you are getting effective treatment. It sounds like you are getting some now. Go with it. Explore where life leads now.

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  • 6 months later...

I want to start writing about my belief system, because it's brought me nothing but misery and I feel there's a lot of unhealthy obsession there. I've begun taking a serious look at my beliefs and behavior since I was Dx with bipolar and put on more meds. In reading about schizophrenia and the positive and negative symptoms, a lot of bells started ringing. I said "This is quite possibly the source of all my anxiety and depression and mishandling of my life." I see the doc tomorrow to ask about it.

 

Since 2001 I have been: a) struggling with substance abuse, and b) researching eschatology or "the end of the world." I have read a lot of channeled material and incorporated much of it into my belief system. I am convinced that Earth is about to experience a major transformation to a higher realm of existence, that Earth is a feeding ground for hyperdimensional beings, and that those beings are out to get me. Oh, and psychopaths run our world. In other words, every day I live as if these things are true, and at the same time try to play along with the mundane reality I find so fake and pointless. Since I was 18 I felt that I was destined for something great, that my art or my work would help lots of people. As I did research and started building the belief system, I understood that I incarnated here and now to carry out a mission. There are others like me all over the planet with a similar mission.

 

In my mundane life I can barely function. I'm terrible with social cues, I fumble the simplest of tasks, I often neglect chores and personal hygiene. When I get asked a question, my answer is often evasive and totally irrelevant. I start a sentence on one topic and finish on another, ramble on and on, and I use a lot of big words that people don't understand. Recently I started seeing a psychological counselor and I was asked if I could give my beliefs up. I said that I couldn't, that I had opened the door to something really big and once that door is open it can't be shut again. Then I was asked how my beliefs had benefited me. I tried to write a list but it was pathetic. I was lying to myself that I got something out of it. The more I thought about it the more I realized that lie was a major part of the problem. I took the symptoms of schizophrenia and tried applying them to my whole adult life, and I could see a pattern, a progression. Little by little I had worked myself into this fantasy world, and nobody else thought like me, nobody validated my beliefs.

 

I feel devastated. I think about all the time I wasted building this shit up inside me just so it could hurt me and others. I've been selfish, hostile, untrustworthy, and arrogant. I thought I knew better than most people, that I had figured out the secrets to life's greatest questions. I'm such a fool. There was so much right in front of me that I couldn't see. I was blind to it. Now that I am starting to see, it's terrifying and depressing and angering. How do I pick up the pieces when my world has been shattered? How do I start from scratch and build a model of reality that actually conforms to what others experience? I'm so lost and scared and sad right now. This is a nightmare that I will never wake up from.

Sounds like you are experiencing a lot of emotions: anger, sadness, and fear.  Sure those are all negative emotions, but I actually miss those feelings as hard as it may seem for you to believe.  I have lost all emotions due to illness or my anti pscyhotics, my doctor has diagnosed me with negative symptoms of schizophrenia, which are notoriously impossible to treat.  I feel nothing happiness, sadness, excitement, anger, I feel absolutely nothing, I don't enjoy anything, I don't gain pleasure from anything.  I am completely numb and emotionless.  I am a zombie, a robot, I feel like I'm dead.  I'd rather be unconscious all day the live like this.  I honestly want someone to shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery. 

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