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I just want to be happy...


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I feel like I am never just happy. When my moods arent acting up, I am mellow, quiet, and apathetic. I miss being manic, it was the closest to happiness I have ever felt. I went to a counseling session today, the first time in awhile, I am not sure I should waste my money, nothing is ever going to change. The abilify is causing mild restlessness. The lithium is fine. I need hope that one day, I will be happy. I will feel a sense of joy and purpose in my life.

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It's all about the right combination of meds, and whether they are putting you into too much of a "fog".

 

Also exercise, finding a hobby, and in my case practically forcing myself to follow a routine everyday has helped me tremendously.

 

Still not there by any means, but without purpose and routine I grow quiet and apathetic.

Edited by Kestra
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I agree with Kestra; routine and the right meds are key in feeling better.  I have a weekly calendar where I write down everything, including chores.  I find that staying on task keeps me well.

 

If the abilify is causing restlessness, perhaps your pdoc could switch it out for another AAP.

 

I know therapy can be frustrating, but it is process.  Not every session leads to results.  You can also tell your therapist what you would like to gain from the session such as coping skills or finding things that make you happy.

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I'm like that too, my baseline mood, anyway. I'm pretty sure about this because whenever I am actually happy and in a good mood, turns out that was a BAD thing. 

 

I'll take it over being hypomanic though, that shit is annoying, to me. I see why some people like it, but I just don't like being reactive and that makes me reactive so. .  eh.

 

Right meds will help. I was pretty apathetic on lithium, that's why I'm not longer on it. More so than I've ever been, actually. That bothered me. Now I'm on a different cocktail and while I'm not a total sloth, I'm not necessarily a HAPPY person. I don't think that was in the cards for me though, ha ha. And I'm not expecting it ever and that's fine. Whatever.

 

Hopefully you find something that helps you to be happy without being manic.

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I hate being social, I hate talking to people, I feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed when I am not manic. When I am manic I can be friends with anybody and talk without shyness. Its social phobia the cycles with my mood. So when I am not manic, I am alone. When I am depressed and desperately need someone, I am alone....when I am "stable" (which I question what stability is) I would rather be alone. Kay Jamison Redfield said, mania is for one's friend and depression is for ones self...or something like that. It is so true. I want to feel good inside....but I guess I don't know what good is

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I hate being social, I hate talking to people, I feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed when I am not manic. When I am manic I can be friends with anybody and talk without shyness. Its social phobia the cycles with my mood. So when I am not manic, I am alone. When I am depressed and desperately need someone, I am alone....when I am "stable" (which I question what stability is) I would rather be alone. Kay Jamison Redfield said, mania is for one's friend and depression is for ones self...or something like that. It is so true. I want to feel good inside....but I guess I don't know what good is

 

When I was manic, I felt happy and like I could have a million friends.  Except most people were completely freaked out and basically disappeared as soon as they could.  So even tho I felt good, after the mania, I was lonely because I had freaked out everybody.  I'd do anything to not be that way again.  I'd rather be blah and boring that frighten my friends (when I get some) and family.

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I feel like I am never just happy. When my moods arent acting up, I am mellow, quiet, and apathetic. I miss being manic, it was the closest to happiness I have ever felt. I went to a counseling session today, the first time in awhile, I am not sure I should waste my money, nothing is ever going to change. The abilify is causing mild restlessness. The lithium is fine. I need hope that one day, I will be happy. I will feel a sense of joy and purpose in my life.

 

Honestly, I miss the mania too. I feel witty, smart, pretty, god-like, etc.

 

I really think that the tdoc sessions can help. I am a firm believer in that. I really hope you get some relief soon and are able to find joy and purpose in your life.

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