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Greetings folks

 

I was wondering if any of you were stuck in a similar situation....I have been a pothead for about 15 years (started at 19, quit at 34), smoking a lot of very potent weed all the time (apart from the 8 hours I was stuck at work/school), while dealing with mental issues.

 

Back then, all I ever wanted to do was smoke dope, get high, make myself comfy and ignore the outside world. Being a very introverted introvert and suffering from social anxiety, pot allowed me to stay within my comfort zone and not having to socialize apart from the occasional toke among friends. So I smoked and smoked, passed my MBA and smoked, found various jobs and smoked, got married to a stoner, basically my entirely life evolved only around the next joint, the next high.

 

After getting a divorce from said stoner, going through a massive booze and coke binge for a year and realizing that all of it made no sense, I started questioning my choices. I realized that I studied what was easiest for me to study, not what I wanted to study. I took on jobs that allowed me to pay for my addiction, none of these jobs were dangerous or illicit etc, but still, I never even thought about having a career. Then I met someone who showed me that there was more to life than being high. That was a year ago. And I have not touched a single joint since, and did it all on my own (no rehab).

 

The trouble is that I now have no idea what to do with my life. I am too mentally unstable (GAD, BP, Social Anxiety) to bear children, had to be put on indefinite medical leave from work because my job was litterally driving me insane, and have come to the conclusion (through therapy and discussions with my SO too) that the root of all my mental health issues was the fact that I have no idea what I want in this life (hence getting jobs that were not benefical at all) and that I was on a perpetual high all through my "formative" years. My psydoc wants me to apply for a job that I would enjoy more or that would give me a sense of purpose, but I can't even begin to think of one that I would like doing. I don't even know what other people do to relax after a day at work, or a day off work, all I have known is getting stoned while reading or watching TV. I still read, but I can't stay focussed, sitting in front of tv drives me nuts, there is only so much cleaning I can do in the house, so I sit there, off work, and panicking because I have no idea what to do with my life. Or what my passion is. Or who I am for that matter.

 

So what do normal people do on their days off? I live in a small country with very limited access to distractions, can't do volunteer work because I am on medical leave, can't focus long enough to study something new. And even if I could, I have no idea what I would like to study. So I am stuck with myself. The medication I receive (Wellbutrin and seroquel RX, xanax for whenever I feel like going totaly nuts but I avoid it as I am afraid I will become addicted to xanax) helps a little by now (at least I do not have the impression that I need to scream my lungs out every second of the day), I go to therapy, I started knitting, and making lists of what I could do next. But the lists come up empty more often than not. Patience has never been one of my strong suits, my pdoc and SO both say I first need some time to recover from my stressful job and from the years of ignoring my mental issues. And to rest. But the only way to rest that I know is...smoke MJ. Ack.

 

Any suggestions on how you dealt with kicking your pot addiction, on how you learned to live a sober life? Any comments, anything?

 

Thank you

 

 

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I agree with VE. I was highly dependent on weed for about 4-5 years. It was a several-times-a-day thing, at great costs to my academic and personal life.I became increasingly isolated and demotivated; let friendships slip away, let schoolwork fall by the wayside, let romantic relationships fizzle out and die. But once I was finally stabilized on meds, I was able to put the pipe down and step back from all that. Now, I haven't smoked weed in over a year and I honestly have no desire or craving for it, something I never thought would happen. Toward the end MJ became my prison more than my escape. It was to the point that I didn't even like the effects anymore, but I was so scared of facing life without it that I just kept going back to it over and over. I would give anything to get all the money I blew on it over the years back. 

 

I imagine it is a lot harder if you have nothing else to fill your time. Luckily, I had school to fall back on and sort of throw myself into, to make up for the time/money/classes I had wasted being a burnout. If you don't have any idea as to what you'd like to do, just pick one random thing and start from there, process of elimination. Take a class that you would never have thought to take before. Pick up a new hobby you might not even find that interesting. Throw yourself into learning a new language, or a new instrument. Go searching for something that interests you and eventually you'll probably find it. But the first step, in my opinion, is definitely getting your MI stable. 

Edited by hagar running
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the roots of your mental disorde diagnosis for Bipolar, GAD, and Social Anxiety

cannot be explained by a lack of direction or goals in your life

 

Bipolar is a BIOLOGICAL mental illness..  With good treatment and time and medication you can stabilize

your bipolar and learn coping skills for for anxiety.  Bipolar is not  an existential crisis or lack of direction and goals.

 

That is a shame that you are not allowed to Vounteer.  It seems that volunteer work might be very good for you.

When someone starts heavy drug abuse so young they miss out on some of the developmental stages of growing up.

You are a very intelligent woman and I think with therapy and treatment your life will improve

and you can find some happiness.

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Thank you all.

 

Sorry about the confusion, I did not mean to say that the root of my BP diagnose was my lack of direction, but it is definitely contributing to my GAD. Or it may be caused by it.  English is not my first language so I am sometimes struggling to express what I mean....BP is something I can cope with, and have mostly been able to, but it is the anxiety monster that makes my life hell. And the anxiety makes the BP feels worse than it is. I am in the initial phase of therapy since I have long refused to take meds or consult an psychiatrist, so I may still misunderstand some of the things I am being told.

 

I also get the impression that mental illness is handled differently here in Europe (at least in the country I live in), than in the US, Canada etc. It has been extremely difficult to find a pdoc who would listen rather than just give me meds, there are no self help groups and the litterature/forums are a lil confusing for a newbie.

 

Again, thank you. Your advice and words mean a lot to me.

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