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My name is EelAmme, and I am an addict.


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Meth.
Opiates.

Booze.

Weed.

Whatever I could get my hands on, I would abuse, to try and cope.

I just got out of my first ever treatment on friday.

I relapsed by drinking that night, but other than that I have been sober.

I am not proud of my decisions that night, but I am very happy that I have stayed away from meth.

And I plan to. but since I was 14, I've abused one thing or another.

 

What happened was very fucked up. The simplest way to explain it is that when I was 16, my mental health was very terrible. I tried to kill myself for yet another time, and when I told my mom, she gave me a two weeks notice to get the fuck out of her house. Because she didn't know what to do anymore, and she couldn't handle it. So I went to live with my half sister, who had a bad meth addiction. And since I didn't care if I lived or died, when she offered it to me, I said, "What the hell? Why not?" I was at the end of my rope. And so I started doing rope. Ha. I only stayed there for a week or two before I came clean to my mom and she let me come home. But when the fighting continued, I started couch surfing at friends and getting back into meth. Until when I was 18, I had a pretty serious car accident and I stayed sober until I was 20. Then, I relapsed. And I relapsed hard. I started doing it every single day again, not sleeping for weeks, and starving until I went from 220 pounds to 160. I had a psychotic break. I did a lot of meth, and stayed up for 15 days. I started to see things, hallucinate, and have delusions. I believed the DEA was following me in a truck, and I had a decent amount of meth on me. About a little over a gram. So I ate it whole. I thought they were gunna get me for intent to distribute. Well, it was no cop. It was just a neighbour from my cabin. So I left my car on a gravel road 4 miles from home, and walked around town for 6 hours in the rain trying to find a lawyer because I firmly believed the DEA was onto my antics of moving balls of shit and hustling shit. I was involved in some stupid shit due to my addiction, and it caused me to become very paranoid about getting caught. So I tried to get into the court house. Asked a random guy for a phone to call a lawyer for entrapment. I was waaaacked. I tried to call into work multiple times, but became convinced the phone lines were cut. i thought people planted meth labs on me. I thought that the drug dogs were running across town to find the planted labs. I thought there was one in my car. My basement. And at work. It just gets worse as the meth metabolizes into my system. The next thing I know I come home, and my mom is there. She's just freaking out. Where was I? What did I do? Why didn't I go to work? The cop is on his way to help me find you. And I freaked. When the cop showed up, I just started screaming I NEED A LAWYER. I WON'T TALK WITHOUT MY LAWYER. When he would ask me why, I'd say GIVE ME MY LAWYER FIRST. And he kept saying, you're not under arrest, there are no charges, but I think you have hypothermia please let me take you to the hospital. And I kept refusing. They called an ambulance. I refused to get in. He told me I had two choices. The cop car. Or the ambulance. So I finally reluctantly got in the ambulance. And went to er. Where I was still convinced that everyone was trying to convict me of conspiracy to sell. And I didn't believe I was even at a hospital. I accused my mom of being DEA and wearing a wire on me. I was thoroughly confused and lost. I continued with hallucinations and delusions and refused to sign papers for treatment because i thought it was a deal with the dea. I could see people that weren't there. I could hear music playing that wasn't there. I could fucking hear people talking that weren't there. I loooost it. My mom forged my signature for treatment and they sent me 3 hours away to a different state. I hallucinated the whole ambulance ride. People were pointing guns with me. There was a baby in the ambulance. I thought I killed it. There were people yelling at me outside the windows. etc. Even in treatment, there were bugs, demons, and gremlin babies coming at me. I told the doctor my sisters angel was talking to me. Even though she was totally alive and well. I thought my friend jordan was "dead" and talking to me outside the window. Among MANY other things. I have NEVER been so terrified and delusional. I thought everything was a conspiracy. And It took me 2-3 days to orient to the fact that I was in TREATMENT FOR METH. That I had overdosed. And that I was in NO LEGAL TROUBLE. I guess my meth was cut with bath salts and stuff.

 

So 30 days later, And I am sober. I am doing okay. I am taking it one day at a time. Trying to get back on my feet and get my life together. I have aftercare with mental health professionals. I plan to try NA meeetings. And possibly go to church on sundays. I don't know what else to do to assure my sobriety. 

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Welcome back to the world.  At this point in your recovery focus more about one hour at a time.  Intense cravings and using dreams are just around the corner.  Try any number of NA groups until you find one that feels right to you.  You hear a lot of "gotta change your play mates, your play things and your play ground."  Surround yourself with people who support your recovery at every step.  Recovery from meth is a brute from the many addicts I've encountered.

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Eelamme,

 

I  have followed your story on CB prior to this post and was really humbled by the amazing resourcefulness and tenacity you have showed. Anything I can do to help you on here and share solidarity with you in making healthy choices, I will. Thank you for sharing your experiences, whether it helps to call yourself an addict or whether it is that you have been through some harrowing stuff and done your best to cope, I hope your future is sober, happy and full of love.

Thanks, I hope so too. I am trying really hard. And finding a better med combo has helped.

 

Welcome back to the world.  At this point in your recovery focus more about one hour at a time.  Intense cravings and using dreams are just around the corner.  Try any number of NA groups until you find one that feels right to you.  You hear a lot of "gotta change your play mates, your play things and your play ground."  Surround yourself with people who support your recovery at every step.  Recovery from meth is a brute from the many addicts I've encountered.

I've definitely had intense cravings and using dreams. I just try to do what you said, and take it one hour at a time, Or sometimes, just minutes at a time.

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Did they give you a discharge plan or a contract? Did you say you'd do 30 meetings in 30 days? You should try NA or AA or MA or any of the whatever-anon meetings you can get to. If you can't get a ride there give someone a call. People will come get you and take you to the meetings. I don't remember where you live but there is a really good app for my iPhone that helps find NA meetings. I know there are tons of web sites that you can use to find the phone numbers of places local to you.

I like the NA meetings more than the AA. That's just me. Some people like AA better. It doesn't matter which ones you go to but go. It'll make a huge difference.

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Don't have much to say other than I've been there, and it does get better. It helped me to get out of my environment. I lived with family in another state for 6 months. Being thousands of miles away from the people and places I knew I could get drugs from helped.

 

I could have tried to find some where I was, I guess, but I didn't exactly have the energy or desire to interact with people. Really, avoid people who use like the plague. At least for a while. Try to reconnect with people who don't so you aren't isolated. 

 

Like you, I had pretty terrifying psychotic experiences, and now I see that as a blessing because it was an extremely strong motivator to stay clean. I'm sure I would have kept using if it wasn't for that. Good luck. You can do it! :)

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I am a recovering addict/alcoholic. Our stories are not the same, but I have been there, one day sober, 30 days sober. It's a difficult journey, but you can do it, one day at a time, one moment at a time. Remember that nothing you face sober is as difficult as what you faced when you were using. I go to AA, but that is just me. Alcohol was my primary drug in the end, and I have found AA meetings to be more my style. But you will find what works for you in as you travel your journey. Just remember, that no matter what happens, you don't have to pick up. You can go to a meeting or call someone instead. Or even come here and tell us what is going on.

Edited by lavender fairy
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Did they give you a discharge plan or a contract? Did you say you'd do 30 meetings in 30 days? You should try NA or AA or MA or any of the whatever-anon meetings you can get to. If you can't get a ride there give someone a call. People will come get you and take you to the meetings. I don't remember where you live but there is a really good app for my iPhone that helps find NA meetings. I know there are tons of web sites that you can use to find the phone numbers of places local to you.

I like the NA meetings more than the AA. That's just me. Some people like AA better. It doesn't matter which ones you go to but go. It'll make a huge difference.

I couldn't find any phone numbers at all when I did my research, just addresses. I haven't gone to any yet, nor is it a part of my discharge plan. My discharge plan is just to follow up with psychiatrist and psychologist. My probation officer is not happy with this. So I am working with my mental health case manager to find better resources and such. 

 

Don't have much to say other than I've been there, and it does get better. It helped me to get out of my environment. I lived with family in another state for 6 months. Being thousands of miles away from the people and places I knew I could get drugs from helped.

 

I could have tried to find some where I was, I guess, but I didn't exactly have the energy or desire to interact with people. Really, avoid people who use like the plague. At least for a while. Try to reconnect with people who don't so you aren't isolated. 

 

Like you, I had pretty terrifying psychotic experiences, and now I see that as a blessing because it was an extremely strong motivator to stay clean. I'm sure I would have kept using if it wasn't for that. Good luck. You can do it! :)

I went right back to where I was, but I haven't used meth yet. I agree, my experiences are what led me to quit. And without a break like that, I know I'd still be using. I never would have come clean and admitted I had a problem.

 

I am a recovering addict/alcoholic. Our stories are not the same, but I have been there, one day sober, 30 days sober. It's a difficult journey, but you can do it, one day at a time, one moment at a time. Remember that nothing you face sober is as difficult as what you faced when you were using. I go to AA, but that is just me. Alcohol was my primary drug in the end, and I have found AA meetings to be more my style. But you will find what works for you in as you travel your journey. Just remember, that no matter what happens, you don't have to pick up. You can go to a meeting or call someone instead. Or even come here and tell us what is going on.

I want to go to a meeting, I am just anxious about going alone. I wish I had someone to go to meetings with me.

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I went to a meeting. But I haven't stayed sober off everything. I feel like I don't even care anymore. And how do I make myself care? I don't. I guess the journey is going to be a long one. I don't even wanna update and admit that I am crumbling. I just wanna crumble alone. I don't want to come clean. 

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A lot of want to saying is true with a lot of ppl who want to stay sober. They fear they will crumble as you say....I have only relapsed once with meth....A couple dozen times with weed....Pain killers I still would prolly abuse.....And if I didn't have such a high tolerance to benzo's I would prolly abuse them....It's when you get to a point where you say, I accept myself for who I am. I know my limits and I'm going to keep a sober mind about everything......Your beating yourself up which in some cases isn't a bad thing but if your going to relapse. Might as well know that your going to have to cut yourself off at some time. I'm not advocating drug use. I'm just saying that most likely in the future you will relapse...But you will have a better perspective on how to handle the situation then feel like your crumbling.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Your commitment to staying clean can help you.

Each time you think of failing, also think of one thing you could do to help keep your commitment.

Have you tried writing out a lists of pros and cons? I keep mine and look at them often. That helps me immensely.

EelAmme, in the past we may have butted heads, but I want you to know I admire your truth and that takes courage.

I wish you strength to fight for everything good in your life.

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I'm glad you made it to a meeting.  That's a big accomplishment! 

 

As far as the will to quit, it can take time.  I spent a long time in the place of not really having the will to live, living only to use.  Forcing myself to get up and get through the day just so that I could use my drug of choice at the end of it all and then hopefully get some sleep before doing it all again.  I didn't have the will to live, but I was too scared to kill myself, if that makes any sense.  I just hoped the misery would be over soon, and I didn't know how to get out of it. 

 

It was a horrible existance, and it's good for me to remember it because the thought of ever going back there again helps me to not pick up again, one day at a time. 

 

My life today is not perfect.  I still have depression and PTSD.  I still struggle with my mental illness and quite a few physical problems as well, but my life today is much more than I ever could have imagined when I was using, especially at my bottom.  I generally like who I am today, I have an amazing support system in AA, and I generally feel good about what I do today. 

 

Maybe you are near your bottom, but not ready to give it all up yet,  that's ok.  Just keep trying, one day at a time, and try some more meetings.  They have helped me a lot.  I don't know how I would stay sober without them. 

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