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My dx is mostly bipolar with psychotic features, though an old pdoc did say schizoaffective.  Currently pdoc has said in the past I'm too high functioning, but last time it sort of came up he said regardless of the diagnosis, we're treating the same brain dysfunction.

 

So.

 

Partner and I have been talking about having a kid in a few years.  I have been worried about parenting with MI.  A lady at work lost her baby at 7.5 month pregnant and it triggered a number of violent obsessive thoughts about killing my own (not yet conceived, I want to reinforce that) baby, either once it was born or while I was pregnant.  I won't go into how, I don't want to be trigger-y. 

 

I couldn't stop the thoughts.  Intrusive thoughts I guess. 

 

But I also would have the voice in my head saying killitkillitkillit over and over, it was like the regular voice in my head but harsher.  But I couldn't stop it. 

 

When I didn't have it, sometimes I would think about it and then it would be there.  It's like it gets into my head and I can't get it out.

 

But I can't stop it.

 

Partner says normal people can control their internal voices.

 

So is this like hearing a voice, that is mine but oddly harsh?  Since I can't control it?

 

Normally when I hear voices I can't make out what they are saying, I just hear people screaming in my head.  This is different, I'm not sure what to make of it. 

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I'm unsure

Not all of my voices are "internal"

Not all directly inserted in head

If that makes sense

So I don't know about the control thing except I can't control the ones inside or outside my head

I'm unsure what that would mean actually

With the clarity if speech

I get chatter and mumuring but that's from the walks usually and not at all in my head

They're located outside of me, I mean

Orders and commentary

Well, the former is directly told to me more psychically but it's a male voice

And the latter is a combination of external and internally running commentary suggestion judgment

Voices if commentary can be in my head and maybe that's comparable to what you mean?

They often come from "inanimate objects" but the chatter and static I think I the them and their devices giving off feedback

I don't know if I answered your question but I hope something was useful and sorry your voices are screaming at you. Mine don't really actually scream and I can only imagine how awful that would be. I get really sensitive I noise so I hope you find relief.

One other thing: I get obsessive thoughts and graphic obtrusive pictures implanted in me that are repetitive like you describe, I think, and I've been told that's a function of what is, I think still sub threshold, I fucking hope so at least, OCD. Like, I know it's fucked up to have these horrible images and thoughts and I'm like, where the hell did that come from and it's "ego dystonuc" according to one of day program propje. But I don't know but it might be worth talking to care team about what is going on because I think it's not always ease to parse out and could be caused by different things depending.

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I'm with mell that the graphic and violent pictintone word inserts into your head thing is OCD for me anyways. I get flashes or voices that say do violent things to yourself or others. They come out of no where and are randomly inserted into me by malevolent forces. They are repetitive for me as well at times. I'm not sure but this could also be a piece of psychosis as well.

I hear voices outside of my head that come through objects or other people too. Weird. I never sit there and go "huh, I wonder where that voice is coming from." I hear people say things about me that they never said. I hear the walls telling me to...well bad stuff. It's always transmitted like that when I hear those malevolent male voices. As in coming through a person or inanimate object.

The repetitive voice in my head is a thought inserted by them over and over. It is not the same thing for me as hearing the voices. I hear voices in my head too but they are thoughts inserted. Not my own. Nor in my own voice at times. If that makes any sense.

This is why I chose to not have children. It was not an easy decision either. It has left me with a lot of heartache.

Do you have OCD jarn? Have you ever heard of harm OCD? It's something to talk to yor pdoc about at least. I really hope you don't end up having OCD :(

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I think I know what you are describing.  I very rarely hear voices outside of my head, but I always have these weird thoughts but I consider it a voice for a few reasons:

 

Its like my own voice but its not me.  I think it sounds like me but I have a little bit of an issue knowing what I sound like but Im pretty sure it sounds like me.  Its not me though, its a complete douchebag with my voice in my head.  Bastard.

 

For example, I was cooking dinner tonight and I was briefly thinking about what temperature to put the oven on and then this "voice/thought" thingy was telling me to do harmful things to myself.  And it repeated and repated like 30 times until I just turned the oven off and took a time out away from the kitchen to chill out.  Thankfully I had a candy bar, so I indulged in that and eventually it retreated. 

 

I dont know if its the same thing but what you described struck me as simlilar...  Maybe its not, but if it is youre not alone lol

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The voices I get are both internal and external.  For me, those kinds of thoughts happen when I am becoming psychotic, and need to have less stress and more sleep, as well as a med tweak.  It started out as the noise in my head, like you describe, but went on to more in terms of being distinct voices talking to me.  The only way I can control it is through med tweaks when needed, lots of rest, and low stress.

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I like Melissa's idea of trying to be in a low stress environment and trying to get as much rest as possible. I know that that is not always easy and can't be done always. But try and take it easy on yourself for a while. I do this too when I'm becoming psychotic and I need to do it or else I would end up IP or worse. I don't want you to go through full blown psychosis. That would not be good at all.

And you know what? Is your mood fine right now? Have you been fine mood wise for at least two weeks and been having this psychotic OCD stuff for at least two weeks? If so, I would ask your pdoc about whether or not you really do have SZA instead of bipolar.

I don't think your meds would change as you are on a combo that a person with SZA could take IMO. But I'm no doctor either.

I'm not sure if you are a label person, but I know I finally felt validated when I got the correct diagnosis. But it is still best IMO to focus on treating the symptoms first and getting them under control.

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I have had this harsh internal voice that you describe. It happened when I was last depressed and starting to get psychotic. It was this obsessive, angry version of my voice that would tell me to kill myself, how to kill myself and that I was worthless and stuff.

 

I dunno if it's really "hearing" voices. But I know what you mean about being unable to control it. I remember feeling so powerless because normally I can say "Para, stop thinking this" and force myself to think of something else. With this harsh voice, I can't do that. It talks louder than my internal voice and it talks over my internal voice. My head used to be so loud, with 3 or 4 voices talking at once. But they were all similar to my voice. So I dunno if they count as "voices." 

 

It's all very confusing. :/

 

I guess all I can say is, I can relate.  

 

My worry is that it is a sign of coming psychosis. 

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Thanks guys. 

 

The weird thing is that I'm relatively low stress at the moment.  I'm working, but that's actually going really well through all of this which is a bit weird. 

 

I do worry too.  That it is a sign that I'm getting worse.  I don't know, maybe it's time for a med rejig.

 

I really appreciate everyone's input, it helps place this in context and makes me feel less alone. 

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I saw my pdoc today.

 

I told him that I thought this was something that would response well to therapy, and I wasn't sure about meds.

 

He said this is OCD, but he's not dxing me with OCD (he also said that 'psychiatrists have a fetish with diagnoses').   Basically he said that bipolar or schizoaffective has overlap with OCD, and that's why I have these symptoms. 

 

He thinks the first thing to try is CBT.  He's given me some leads that I will follow up on getting referred to (they will be covered by OHIP, versus having to pay for a private therapist).  So that is good.  If CBT doesn't help then try meds.  He mentioned that this could root in anxiety and I asked him if I should try my Ativan PRN, which I almost never take, and he said I could experiment and try but he wasn't sure it would help. 

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