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Please tell me there's a fucking shred of hope in all this


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I feel like maybe they're just trying to give me things to do

And I'm not entirely concinced there's any fucking point of hope in my mental health

But maybe if others have found relief

Why not me?

Well, at least about this I hope

That's what I'm looking for

Some shred of hope

Got hope?

Anyway, I've never posted in this section before

My diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia

And has been for a long time

Apart from that I was diagnosed but not treated for ADHD as a kid

And I don't even know when but at some point picked up panic disorder with agoraphobia

None of that has beenmy biggest fish to fry

For the most part I've lacked insight and had a lot of short and longer term care and blah blah blah

Now my antipsychotic meds are waning again (which is awesome and totally makes getting shot in the arse worth it), but they're keeping me mostly together for now do I think they're just trying to fix anything they can at this point during this window if maybe opportunity

So the new thing is I *might* no longer be sub threshold for OCD

Something I've been suspected of and tested for on several times since childhood but if memory of psych record serves I've always been sub threshold ...though historically Ive had zero insight and like acceptance of diagnoses and symptoms problems ...

Plus I live in another dimension in ways and can't apply illness to myself and process if as me

But then I know it's fucked up I have these thoughts and I'm convinced I'm a horrible blight of a parasite and these intrusive thoughts are actually how I am fucked up

Wow I wonder if maybe I'm not really psychotic ever and maybe

I don't know where I was going with that. I just came back to edit some typos and I might've just made this post nonsense. Sorry about that

I know it's bothering me because I posted elsewhere and mentioned it

The additional medication I was told is often SSRIs, which are something I can't take (I can get easily agitated and it's not a good scene)

So I'm slated to start doing an additional group because all the CBT for panic/agoraphobia and the one for delusion challenge are somehow fucking insufficient.

Where I have to write out all of the intrusive horrible thoughts that I'm certain will come true if I repeat them

But I don't have any of my usual voices right now

So I suspect they don't know if it's really what this new suspicion is or just delusional thinking

Hmmm...I think actually that's inaccurate of me

I straight told my psychiatrist I can't handle adding some diagnosis and I think he's reserving it for now just to try and be supportive

I'm terrified of this new group

I don't think I can start this week

I'm already totally overwhelmed

And I cannot write out my fucking shit

And take a chance it will make manifest those things in consensus reality or any other fucking reality

Has anyone else done day program groups for OCD? Do they help? After how long?

I am so tired of this fucking hell

Edited by mellifluous
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I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy and tired of this shit mell. I don't blame you one bit for being so fed up. This really freaking sucks. I wish that I could make you feel better and wave a magic wand to make your problems all go away.

I have been diagnosed with OCD as a child and then again as an adult. Although my current pdoc has made no mention of it. But it is controlled I guess so maybe that is why. The Effexor XR I'm on really helps.

And you are right in that usually high doses of SSRI's are used to treat OCD. Have you ever tried Luvox? I hear it is a go to med for OCD. I've never tried it myself, and I'm not sure if it is an SSRI or not, but you may want to ask your pdoc about it.

And I've never tried an OCD group. I am in day treatment CBT group and an exercise group. I had therapy as a kid and young teen for OCD and anorexia though. I don't really remember what we talked about or how it helped. My OCD was closely tied to my ED. I would obsess over numbers in calories or weight or exercise minutes. Everything had to be "right" or "in order". Or else I'd lose it and I really thought the world would end. My dad turned on the sprinkler one day at 2pm. I always played basketball at 2pm til dark for exercise. I was obsessed with the number 2 because it is even and that left plenty of time to over exercise to lose even more weight. Well the fucking sprinkler was running and I couldn't play basketball. I had a total meltdown. My mom had to calm me down and wrap me tight in a blanket and pat my head while i sobbed until I could settle down somewhat. I was upset for days. I felt so awful I can't even adequately describe it.

Anyways, I understand the horrors of OCD. I'm so mad this is happening to you. I want to erase OCD from everyone's minds who have it. The intrusive thoughts are the worst. I was once IP for intrusive thoughts that I thought I would harm my whole family. I couldn't get the thought out of my head. I really thought I'd lose it and actually do it accidentally or cause it indirectly if things weren't "just so." If I looked at the clock wrong they'd die. Or if I stepped on a sidewalk crack they'd be killed. I was certain it would happen and it would be my fault for not performing the OCD rituals correctly. Like counting things correctly and ending in even numbers only. You get the picture.

You have such tenacity and drive to get better mell. Use that power and strength now to challenge and battle your OCD. I know you are tired because you do sound tired. But I know that you are a fighter too. Don't give up the good fight! You can do this and conquer that damn OCD. You are on the right path too. The group sounds like it is going to be invaluable to you. Utilize it to challenge your OCD anxieties and thoughts. And I think it will be helpful to be in a very supportive environment full of people who understand and can aid you on your road to remission.

Keep us posted and don't give up! The world needs innovative and brilliant people like you. The perspective and guidance you bring here to CB is priceless, so I don't doubt for a minute that you bring the world out there the exact same invaluable things.

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Thanks cheese

You're awesome as always x

Cheers for the support and suggestion

I've never taken Luvox

Know nothing about it

Will have to look investigate

All my meds are antipsychotics and benzodiazepines pretty much. And beta blockers.

I'll look into it

My psychiatrist basically has me already registered for the additional day program group

He's quick as fuck like that so I think that's the plan for now which is fine not to add anything insofar as, as long as im sharing i might as well confess that I'm totally over medication and would discontinue immediately if I could as it is

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I just wanted to say I read what you wrote and I'm sorry you aren't feeling great.  I've never tried a day program for OCD.  But I have tried the writing of things down.

 

If I had to write down things again, that would bring back memories (or might), I wouldn't do it personally, because I tend to become more obsessive about things (in general, like every detail) and worry about the bad and obsessive thoughts coming back.  And recollection for me, if I think long enough about it, can stir me up and the past will "come back" a little.  Enough that I kind of have to "desensitize" from it with lots of distraction until I no longer think about it anymore.

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thank you luna and melissa : )

 

things that both cheese and luna mentioned resonate a lot
i defo do things repeatedly until i get them right to ensure i've been a cleansed in a way
everyone who knows me knows i have a thing with numbers

though for me, evens are not ok...and four as the fucking devil
i also have some very strong aversionsI

with the ritual things you mentioned, i do think i can and must make a type of restitution with the intrusive thoughts

and like you said, luna...it defo is catastrophic

i'm certain if i divulge these thoughts and images that if they ever were to come to pass it would be my fault

and i simply cannot permit that

i could never live with myself

and i struggle to live with myself enough as it is

these thoughts and images that are inserted, i'm convinced i have because i'm actually a terrible person
otherwise why would i have such horrible thoughts?

unsure if i'm just being punished

or if it's that i'm actually a malevolent entity

but i do

like when you said walking you can't step on cracks

i get really concerned about clearing my throat just right

or walking "cleanly" so's to generate some amount of balance

to the horrible thoughts and images

like protection somehow...
i have to make it right
 

that's why this group terrifies me
writing them out and confronting them

like i said, if they should ever come to pass
it will have been my fault

i have my other day program stuff on monday, wednesday and friday

and now i think this is going to be added to wednesdays

 

i really don't know if i can do this

but it does make me feel better to hear that you two have found some relief

i totally agree with you, though, melissa, and i'm worried that it will stir things up even more

or make me even more responsible than i am

speaking of day program stuffs i totally don't feel like going today

and i'm not on behavioural contract or court mandate

so i totally want to skip and just hole up in my house and hug my dog

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