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Approved for SSI - But Still a mess due to other issues


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Applied November last year. Was denied. Applied for reconsideration and was one of the rare few that was approved during reconsideration without legal representation.

 

After I got out of the hospital in early August I was homeless. I had to ask my Mom to come and help pay for meds I was prescribed, and while we were waiting at the pharmacy she offered me a place to live. Which I am grateful for. 

 

However Mom's attitude is she understands I need the right meds, she understands this is an illness, her main remark was she believes I do suffer from psychosis. Yet she is upset with me being under her roof for one and only one reason. She does not agree with me not working. 

 

When I told her I was approved today she asked me what my goals were. I told her to find emotional balance, continue therapy, and learn how to actually form real relationships that stand the test of time with people. A huge goal for me, huge ! to her she thinks I already do that. Yet I I don't. I don't maintain friendships cause my illlness and I push everyone away because I am a lot to deal with to be honest. 

 

She just ended the conversation tonight when I came home by telling me I was approved for SSI because I "manipulated the system" and "got doctors to tell me what I want to hear. So at the same time she knows I suffer from psychosis, but thinks I am scamming the system. Her biggest thing is she thinks I am in a condition to work. This after she has gotten upset because I spent 3 days laying in a room, isolated, on a flat air mattress zoning into TV ... After seeing me go two week periods where I stayed up for 2 days then slept for 3-5 hours. She has seen me avoid social relationships. She has seen me suffer and break down and cry. She has seen a lot of the illness yet "I am manipulating doctors and gamed the system to get SSI" and she thinks my only goal should be working. It should be at the forefront. 

 

Today when I found out I was approved for SSI I was in a terrrific mood for the first time in a long time. She drug it down a little with this shit but now I also deal with living under a roof where there is obvious disagreement. I don't understand for the life of me how someone can see this illness, at about 65% of it's full strength, and still think I am able to "manage it" better. I should be more functional. I should be able to do more. I am pretty pissed and hurt at the same time. Reminds me of how people in AA treat me. This is not JUST positive attitude type of shit. My episodes are mixed 80% of the time lately. Those of you that have been there know that shit is no fun and there are no euphoria moments to that type of mania. At least I know with SSI benefits I can move somewhere else where this isn't a constant weight on me. Because it is a trigger, and triggers are very unhealthy. 

 

To top this all off. I am coming to terms, for the 500th time again, that a relationship I have been in for 3 1/2 years is ending. I moved out in May and we ended it entirely. We both love eachother very much but we just don't work together. She can't handle my mood swings and I can't handle her tremendously outgoing attitude and constant desire to be in social situations, busy, or doing something to the point where she doesn't even leave 10 minutes a day fr time to herself. We just have personality traits that clash. I put the ball in her court and she can't decide now, after we had again recently decided to try, whether to continue. I don't want to be with someone who has to think this much about whether we should be together as well as I don't think I fit into her lifestyle. None the less it hurts very much. She was not only my lover but my very best friend. Life without her is impossible to imagine. When we try to remain friends we end up in this vicious loop of thinking we can work it out only to realize we can't. Neither one of us wants to give up the friendship more than anything but the friendship is also in trouble because we keep trying to make the relationship work after being friends for a while. Vicious circle.

 

Add this on top of constant, day in and out, mixed episodes and people telling me I am fine and should be working - it is demoralizing. I begin to second guess whether I am well enough to work when I know in reality I am not. I can't handle it at this point in my life. My recovery, finding the right medicines, and putting myself in an environment where people aren't juding me for my personal decisions is very important. 

 

I don't know I could write for hours. I am just hurting. And I already feel the loneliness even though me and her haven't ended it. I know it is right around the bend and I know it will happen. I have been through this enough. I honestly think it is vetter if I just end it. That thought hurts too .. 

 

There is so much going on. Mixed episodes, family dissaproval, second guessing whether I really am that sick or should push myself through work when I am constantly rapid cycling r in mixed episodes, and the end of a relationship. It feels like too much to deal with.. And this should be a day full of relief because I got SSI approval and at least can move towards being independent, which I haven't been since I quit being able to work 2 1/2 - 3 years ago. 

 

I can't quit typing, sorry guys I know this is long ... I guess that's it. I want to write more. Can you tell I am slightly manic / depressed/ maybe mixed ? Add the emotional shit going on and it's quite overwhelming.

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I think you have good goals of trying to become stable so you can work again or volunteer or whatever your future goals may be.

And I like Melissa's suggestion to see if your mom will go with you to a pdoc appointment to help educate her about SSI and your illness. Or your social worker or tdoc.

I'm happy that you finally got SSI.

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My new pdoc I just starting seeing for the first time on the 16th actually thinks I should be able to work. 

 

He stated this isn't schizo affective, rather permanent brain damage from my using and drinking days. This after not asking me about symptoms and not going over my problems in depth. He also told me he would not support SSI/SSDI ... He actually stated I would be denied based on evidence and records he had. He is a real jerk of a pdoc and I plan on finding a new one now that I have all medical benefits soon :)

 

As far as bringing Mom - it's a no go. She has her opinion and literally stated she doesn't care if the Doctors agree, including a doctor making the SSI decision. She thinks I should be working. Even after agreeing my bouts of psychosis are rather obvious. She stated and I agree - "We will just have to agree to disagree on this" 

 

I will be out of Mom's place as soon as back pay kicks in and I can find a place. I guess the best way to handle it is just ignore it until then. Nothing much I can do but it does add to my mood swings when she shows her dissaproval. Who doesn't seek their parent's approval you know ?

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