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Struggling- can anyone relate?


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I'm struggling and feel like I'm drowning. I didn't cut for months and now I can't seem to stop. Like the season change messed me up. I was just discharged from therapy and psychiatry in August cause I was doing so well and now I'm falling apart. I feel shame in going back because its just the borderline who couldn't hack it on her own. I was beginning to think the dark days were over but it's like they were right around the corner. Again. always. Now all I want is to end it. Tired of the spiraling and taunting happiness that is fleeting. I want it to stop; I want to stop and I feel like the only way that can happen is if I'm not here anymore. I feel so lonely and alone in this. Is it just me? Has anyone else experienced this?

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I'm experiencing those feelings right now too, I was discharged from inpatient and then intensive therapy a few months ago like you. Are you taking any medications? A lot of my friends have said that changing their meds helped them stay on track. You can definitely get better. You did it before, and you can do it again.

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I am feeling the same way.  Like you I've wondered if it is the changing of the season. I went 5 months without cutting, but then I did and it was like I released a dam. I haven't been able to even want to stop. I know I'm hurting my husband and family and friends, but that doesn't seem like a good enough reason to stop now. 

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absolutely. i don't SI, but the suicidal bouts are definitely there - and i see it at that overwhelm of emotions that you just can't deal with, so you use the coping skills that you have - whether that be SI, alcohol, sex with random people, eating or lack thereof, or whatever else doesn't float your boat.

i understand the shame that you're feeling - it's horrible. however my feeling is that the sooner you reach out and get help with dealing with those emotions that cause SI, the better.

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I'm feeling the same as well. I did intesive therepy and took the first semester of uni off this year. I came back second semster but after the mid semester break I realsped in my depression and self harm (after being clean for nearly 6 months). I'm struggling to even get motivated to stop. I'm droping out of this semester and going home next week. I should probably go bact to the DBT group or even the psyc ward at home but I feel like a failure having to come back again. I know rationally that relaspe is part of recovery and it's not my fault but I can't seem to put it into pratice at the moment :(

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You definately are not alone. I can't really say I'm doing much better than you since I lapsed again recently into SI. Just realize that its your last line of defense when it comes to coping with all that pain. You need to build up or invent more positive methods. Exercise is a great one, I do pushups, situps, squats and dips until I simply can't anymore. These are great because they can be done just about anywhere. Paint, draw, learn an instrument, journal, dance, sing or something else creative, dont be concerned with the results. Just be concerned about getting rid of the negative energy. I sometimes scream my heart out to heavy metal in my car, quite possibly out of key but it's incredibly cathartic.

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Thanks. Sometimes I feel like "normal" people don't get it. Like my parents believe Mental illness doesn't exist. They refuse to acknowledge my hospital stays as anything but temporary break-downs. They don't know I cut. Neither does my best friend. Or any friends. Only one person and it seems like I bombard them with this. I'm restarting therapy next week. I'm saddened to be back to this dark place again but we can all do this together.

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