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Do you act as if everything is fine?


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I am used to acting as if I am fine. I could be really depressed, or having paranoia and nobody could tell I am mentally ill, as I am always smiling at others. That makes MI even harder (to make a struggle to keep the best Face to others and be suffering on the inside). It has happened to me that people talk about mentally ill people to me not having a clue that I am also mentally ill.

Edited by CookieN
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I sure do.

 

I'm a liar when it comes to my mental state and well-being in general. People (close friends included) ask me how I am, automatic response: "I'm fine, how are you?" I never show anger or sadness...or happiness for that matter...outwardly. It's not so much that I wish to hide, but showing those things just doesn't come naturally. I've got kind of an eternal blank stare.

 

With people who really care about me (mom, close friends, etc.) I always paint kind of a rosy picture of what's going on in my life. I know that if I told them the truth, they would be sympathetic and want to help (although several of them would probably give the old "think positive, snap out of it" advice), but I just can't bear the thought of stressing them out with my problems. So I get to shoulder my problems alone (unless it is one of those rare time periods where I am attending therapy--and my poor therapy compliance, just like my dishonesty, is quite entirely my own fault).

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I do this all the time. I could even feel suicidal and I look fine on the outside. I have to hide it so that my day program doesn't psych ward me. If I let true feelings and emotions be shown, I risk going to the hospital or being yelled at by my parents. 

 

That's the magic of having the internet. We can be anonymous. :) People do the same thing to me. They talk about mentally ill people without knowing that I have a mental illness.

 

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering on the inside. Bottling up emotions is not good though. That can cause some bad problems down the road. Do you just have a hard time showing emotion or are you afraid to show it? Do you have a therapist that you can talk to also? 

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I've been the same way most of my life. I've just started recently reaching out to friends and family because I want to help diminish the stigma of mental illness. I still hide from my husband though, because I don't want to be a cause of stress in his life. I want to make sure things go easy for him, but it always backfires and I've left him with a huge mess. 

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I

 

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering on the inside. Bottling up emotions is not good though. That can cause some bad problems down the road. Do you just have a hard time showing emotion or are you afraid to show it? Do you have a therapist that you can talk to also?

. Yes, I am afraid to show my real emotions and symptoms because I had bad results in the past (lost my Job, because i dísclosed my illness). Yes i have a therapist but still I dont tell her ALL my symptoms
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I've outted my self to very few people.  I think I'm pretty good at faking it (Other then Anxiety attacks I don't catch in time)  I had a couple times where I was supposed to wgo someplace like work and was worried about driving without real danger to others.   *Because I did once and it was so bad I can't ever explain it.   I was really close to home and no highways (Thank God)  *I want to make the point that I was already most of the way home when it really hit.  I didn't get really spun up and start driving.     I'm trying to think what the point  is that I was trying to make...  Oh - the depression stuff seems to work and I'm functional and even if I start feeling some depression I just "la la la..la"  Or that CBTstuff.   I'm starting to get really good at counting to 100 by 3's in my head.  The depression stuff seems to work well enough that I score pretty well on the screwed up - o - meter test my GDoc have given me. Anyway I should just said Yes I do.   This might be worth starting another topic but you think to yourself "I'm really ok.  Its nothing....?"  I don't mean the common "I feel good now so I don't need to take the meds anymore" and then of course you don't feel "right" and go back on the meds (Hopefully)

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  Perhaps this is acually one of the defining symptoms of MI  :  we are all congenital liars who wear a mask of normality until it becomes unbearable to keep up the pretence.                                                                                                                                                                      

We build walls and defences, plug spills and trickles but eventually the paranoia, halucinations, suicidal depression or self harm, leaks out of our carefully constructed self images.      

 

The problem is that we confuse and frighten people, especially our family and friends, but actually everyone in our society.

 And frightened people do stupid things.    So it is safer for us and the world if we keep up the facade of ordinary for as long as we can.           But the effort is exhausting ...............

Edited by glasssss999
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I do it also.  I don't want to present anything but positive things to people, regardless of how I feel, because anything negative seems to always turn people away.  Although most do, some people don't know that I have a MI, and I don't really want to get into it with them.  I don't think they really know how to react to me "out of sorts" if I came across that way.  So I am all happy when it comes to people, except in my pdoc's office when I see him.  The one thing though is that I don't cry at pdoc's office because I have someone taking me home, and I don't want them to know if I am not doing well.

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Yes I do. I don't feel like most people need to know SHIT until it's time to head to the psych ward at this point. And even then it's iffy. I thought I'd have to go a few months back and I told the two people closest to me (the ones I'd probably get a ride from) that maybe I'd be inconveniencing them for a ride to the hospital within the next few days. I decided not to go and everyone around me was worried. For what? So yeah, probably won't do that again unless it's time to head out the door.

 

If I REALLY need to tell someone I'm very depressed, I tell my best friend. She doesn't understand it one bit and wouldn't know the difference between normal fucked up and severely fucked up. But she still calls me every day to ask how I am. And I don't lie to her. She stops whenever I tell her I'm truly better. She may not understand any of it, but she sure as hell knows how to act, that's for sure. Everyone else jumps to conclusions and tries to fix things. She just says she hopes I feel better soon. Checks in with me DAILY. Doesn't probe me at all. I like that.

 

So I think part of it is avoidance of answering questions I may or may not have the answers to. Freaking people out, whatever. 

 

I have a damn good poker face and can use it with anyone I choose. I won't ever lie to that woman. Not because I can't, but because I won't. She's just different from everyone else. I think it's just the matter of fact way we speak about it without really speaking about anything. that's cool. I like that. I don't feel like I'm under a microscope. Other people make me feel that way.

 

When I CAN'T hide it anymore, I obviously no longer give a shit about anything and should probably go to the hospital. When I'm hiding from people because I just don't care to put on the poker face anymore, that's a good sign that things are spiraling quickly. So I guess this is kind of a good thing since it's at least a warning, to me, anyway.

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I try to do that, which might be why I always sense such a huge distance between myself and everyone else.

 

Eventually, though, whether it's depression or mania, I reach a tipping point where the facade can no longer be kept up and I don't even try to hide it anymore.

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I spend my teenage years pretending I was fine. I still do it very well when depressed, not well at all when manic, or hypo.

 

For depression, I sometimes think it helps to act 'normal', go out, talk to people, smile, I feel it gets me out of depression faster. 

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Oh, right. The hypomania I can't hide, but I don't really bother to tell people that I'm suffering instead of "More animated and productive than I've seen you for A WHILE!" 

 

I hate getting compliments because I'm batshit insane and no one knows it.

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I am used to acting as if I am fine. I could be really depressed, or having paranoia and nobody could tell I am mentally ill, as I am always smiling at others. That makes MI even harder

 

After a lifetime of pretending I stopped.  Every time I hid the truth a little piece of me died inside.  The first years of honesty were the hardest.  Close friends would say, "whaaa?  You are NOT depressed. No way."  Some friends got it immediately, others still don't.  Crazyboards gave me the lingo. It is an illness. It is not my fault. I take meds. I need them to live. 

 

Depending on who asks, how they ask and where I am, the response differs.  When the grocery store clerk says all cheery, 'so how are you today?".  I'll grumble a low fine.  If a good friend asks on the phone, 'so how was your day?', I might say 'this was a grieving day', or 'I was depressed', or 'not so good and I don't want to talk about it now'.   After years of training, hubby can see the depression in my face and he might ask me what the trigger was.  

 

I have learned that it is extremely difficult for anyone to understand depression, even therapists, if they do NOT get depressed themselves.  Even when I try to describe my illness (sunk in the rabbit hole, despair and desolation, what is the point?, no hope) friends don't understand but they try.  That is all I ask for.

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I used to talk to friends and family about my bipolar. Nobody gets it. So, yes, now I am going to act as if everything is fine. In fact, as I type this I'm white-knuckling due to my meds being completely fucked up (too long of a story to tell here) but I'm tired of involving my husband in my mood/med crises (sp?).

Plus, I'm sick of hearing MYSELF talk about my issues. Can't even imagine what a bore it is to other people. Besides, I recently started teaching yoga and I live in a very small town and I really don't want anything to get around. Especially now that my actual job to is to help calm people's minds and I can't get my own to be quiet. Ugh!

Gotta fake it so I can make it. I just got off the phone with my grandmother and she said I sounded "really happy". Reality: I'm several days unshowered, sleepless, racing thoughts and unable to leave the bed, let alone the house. I guess if you factor in the mania, then yes, I'm "happy". Lol

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