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Trigger warning: Cptsd, bullying, self harm, alcoholism, disordered eating, depression, Aspergers syndrome, suicide

Hi all I was wondering if I have some Complex PTSD as a result of my experiences with bullying at school. I plan to maybe bring this up with my pdoc next time I see her but I don't want to seem like I'm just looking for diagnosis as excuses. I'm also a bit worried that my parents could be upset and guilty about my bullying even though it's not their fault as I hid it throughout my schooling.

 

I coped fine at school and did well at my school work. The fact that I was being bullied and rejected by my entire school year did not affect me that much. In my first school where I was bullied I would escape to the library or play along with their game of running away from my "Rosie germs". This continued in my next school and High school where children would run away from me at lunchtime I tried to sit with them. Despite this I would persevere blaming myself for it happening.

 

I can't remember a lot of my bullying in primary or high school. I know I was bullied from year 3 until year 9 or 10 as I can remember some incidents and the general things they used to do as well as hiding it from my parents and teachers. However I found a report detailing some incidents in primary school that I have no recollection of. This included:

  • having stones thrown at me,
  • children holding their breath as my parents walked through the school,
  • having my buddy changed because she was related to one of my tormentors
  • Having children move away if I tried to sit with them.

Incident's I can remember are:

  • being "accidently" wacked in the chest with a paddle at sport,
  • having bricks put in my school bag,
  • being hit numerous times by my high school "friends"
  • having my friends at primary school tell me they couldn't be friends with me,
  • Sitting alone every lunch time
  • Having my high school friends tell a teacher to get me away from them.

 

Despite all of this by the time I had finished High school I had looked to be a well adjusted student ready to move on to university. However when I moved to uni I struggled to believe that the group I had made friends with really liked me so I only met up once a week when we would go out. As a result I became very isolated. I also started to use alcohol to deal with my growing social anxiety as well to be able to take away some of the numbness I felt. As part of my social anxiety I was hyper vigilant and paranoid in my interactions with others. I also began to question the meaning of life and reality. I tend to go between extremes. I generally have a super organised routine or I have none at all. I am either very excitable, neutral or very upset and when I get upset it happens very quickly and I find it hard to calm down. This is probably part of my Aspergers though. So while I had a good routine in the first half of the year it started to slip and fell apart very quickly. I toyed with the thought that I had depression but assumed I was just lazy. I began to deal with the stress of assignments by looking up ways to kill myself if I failed. I did end up seeing a councillor and my doctor who diagnosed depression. As my alcoholism became worse I started to self harm and attempt overdoses but never took enough to harm me. I also began to binge and purge which eventually turned into restricting however I stopped before developing an eating disorder.
 

In terms of dissociation or depersonalisation I often try and reject reality by escaping into books and TV shows. I often philosophically question reality and its meaning to the point where I get distressed. My questioning of reality also contributes to my lack of motivation. There have been times when I have been really depressed where I have felt out of my body and being on auto pilot. In terms of my perception of myself I have very low self esteem and hate myself and everything that I have become. I think I am a horrible ugly, disgusting person and I have a tendency to feel guilty and blame myself for everything that happens. I have a hard time trusting that others really like me. I automatically assume that people will hate me and if I don't please them or make a mistake in something I say/do they will hate me. I often feel trapped and that there is no way I will ever get out of this and move on with my life.  I always thought that I would go to uni and be very successful as I was intelligent and good at doing my work. However now I struggle to do any work and I think I am dumb and stupid.

 

So that’s about all I can think of at the moment do any of you think that I may have CPTSD. I know you're not health professionals but having experienced it yourself it would be good to get a perspective on this before I decide whether to bring it up to my pdoc.

Edited by Girl19
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Hello, I don't think I've seen you before. 

Welcome to crazyboards. 

 

I'm really sorry you've experienced such awful bullying, especially since it seems to have impacted the way in which you view yourself. We spend so much time at school growing up and it's very destabilising when it's not a safe place. 

 

It can be quite difficult to separate diagnoses and none of us is qualified to do so. Is there a reason you think a CPTSD diagnosis would be helpful? Whether you fit criteria PTSD or not, it sounds like discussing the bullying with a therapist is a good idea. Are you still seeing the counselor you mentioned?

 

Oh also, you're welcome to add the trigger warnings but please don't feel like you need to. We're less restrictive than other mental illness boards are and here we are responsible for their own triggers - generally things like sexual abuse or self-harm are added voluntarily. 

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Hey,

I was bullied from about year 5 (can't really remember) to year 10 and had similar experiences to yours. A mental health nurse thought I had Asperger's but I was never diagnosed and I have been struggling with social anxiety. I thought I was getting better until last November when everything seemed to go downhill. Since then I have been experiencing similar symptoms to you; self-harm, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks etc. It is interrupting my work for my A-Levels and is really stressing me out at the moment.

I don't know whether it is Complex PTSD or not, but I have looked into it myself at times. I'm sorry that you had to go through that and I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in this.  :)

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