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So I go to my pdoc appointment on Monday. I have no idea what I am going to say. Should I lie to him? Should I water down everything? I don't want any bad news. I'm so over hearing that I need help. Yeah I need help. But I don't want the psychiatrist to be brutally honest. You know what I mean? Maybe if I tell him the watered down version it would be better. 

 

They say that someone with schizophrenia doesn't know they have schizophrenia. So how could I have schizophrenia? My Dad tells this to me. It makes me feel better for while. But I'm not stupid.

 

The thing is that I'm medicated now... I didn't know I had a problem until I swallowed this poison shit risperidone. I was delusional yeah... but I was happy. Well happy enough. Happier than I am now. Sometimes it's better not to know. you know what I mean? Blissfully unaware. That was nicer. I felt better before the risperidone...before there was "a problem". I'd rather be psychotic... reality is shit.

 

I hope I don't have schizophrenia.

 

 

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I can relate.  At one point when I wasn't medicated and psychotic, I was in my own world and very happy.  When I started meds again and came out of the delusions and hallucinations, it was scary at first.  I didn't have the "friends" I had in my own world, because they weren't real (except when I was psychotic). 

 

It was hard to get readjusted to real life, but overall in the long run I have learned that it is better (at least for me) to be in the real world and medicated.  Even though I was a little happier when psychotic, it was totally wearing me down to the point of IP hospitalizations.

 

So I'd be honest with your DR.  It may not be what you want to hear, but it is reality.

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I feel like melissa. I felt lost at first when the psychosis stopped.  The voices/delusions entertained me, kept me company, told me what I should do and now I had to deal with life alone and face reality.

 

I think you should be honest with your pdoc, otherwise you can't get proper treatment. Maybe you could say up front that you would rather not know your dx right now?  But, whatever the label it won't change who you are. There are other things than schizophrenia that can cause psychosis.

 

My dx is schizoaffective disorder and I have been pretty stable on medication.  I don't work, but I do some volunteer work and am a wife and mother.  You can have a good life with whatever your dx turns out to be.

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If you felt like you had options, would you really choose to be unmedicated and unwell? 

 

What I am hearing is the frustration with your doc, your meds, your families reactions, the fact that recovery can be really gruelling and boring and crap. If it were me, I'd take a look at that frustration and feel it for what it is. Getting a diagnosis and being treated for mental illness sucks in a lot of really big ways. Recovery is sold as the holy grail and then when it begins to arrive, it doesn't feel like we hoped. All those are really valid reactions to your situations.

 

You may not have the right to choose to be psychotic if you have been a danger to yourself or someone else, I assuming an incident like that may have led you to treatment, it did for me. But you the right to choose what you do with that treatment. You can go in, be brutally honest, vent what you really feel, ask the questions on your mind and gather some information to make your decisions on. It is your mind, your body. Or you can like because you are feeling really angry with life and continue with a treatment plan that doesn't serve you.

 

What you feel seems totally natural given your circumstances, but if you let those feelings dictate your treatment, you might miss out on the kind life that would make you happier.

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Insight into the voices is new for me, I've had them a long time, I just didn't know. I thought it was...just me. But now that my head is so quiet, I missed them at first. But I know it's for the better. I'm better off medicated, on the right meds, hooked up with a good pdoc and tdoc, and I'm honest with them. Pdoc is new so I'm not so open with him but I am with tdoc and I know she would tell pdoc if something was really bad (I know, I know, I should tell him, but whatever. We'll get there. Nothing to say right now.).

 

Everyone is different but being honest, brutally honest, with your doctor would be a good idea. For me, life is much more manageable now that things are settled down. Things were no good before. Meds did mess with me but finding the right ones were like finding my energy and life again.

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The label and diagnosis are not as important as getting your symptoms treated. I didnt ask my doctor my diagnosis for 5 years. From the beginning I just wanted to get my symptoms treated. So I followed doctors instructions from the beginning, took my meds. 5 years later, when I was ready to hear, I asked my pdoc my diagnosis. It wasnt as shocking to hear, as it would have been if I had asked the first day after evaluation

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Rispderal isn't the only option. There are a lot of other meds.

You don't have to tell everything at once. You can over a series of sessions. It's best to be honest. It can be a shock to get a diagnosis. It can be scary to start treatment. You do seem to have a lot of insight. You can switch doctors if necessary. You could benefit from a tdoc (therapist) on dealing with a diagnosis and starting medications.

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