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I'm kinda wrestling around thoughts of cutting or killing myself for no real reason. I canceled my tdoc this morning because I didn't want to take a shower to go. I haven't had a shower in 8 days. I rescheduled for Tuesday afternoon. I'm not taking my meds regularly. I didn't take any of them today because my stomach was a little iffy.

I don't know why I want to hurt myself.

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Maybe a reason isn't important right now. Maybe you have a good reason that you are' conscious of, or maybe you just feel that way. Either is okay.

 

Is this feeling something you want to change? Because I am sure you know that at this point, there is a chance to take your meds and rebook the appt. I'm not minimizing your suffering right now by saying that this is still a point where you could choose to get help. This sounds like you are struggling and the lack of self care is a part of that. If showering is difficult, would a baby wipe or flannel wash be a compromise?

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I don't know how to change it. I'm not actively trying to miss or whatever when it comes to my meds. It's just happening that way. I almost always take them at least once a day - usually in the evening. Sometimes it's both times a day. Very, very rarely do I miss all of them.

As for the showering and stuff, Idk how to turn that around. I am so fucked up. I'm fucking nuts. I sit here with full knowledge that I'm filthy, but I don't care, I really don't and I'm clueless. Idk why. I'm just fucked in the head. I'm not worth a goddamn bit of nothing. I'm a freak. A reject.

Sometimes, all there is to do is deep breathing. And btw, I rescheduled my appt for 2pm Tuesday.

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Idk, maybe. I will have to talk to my tdoc. I've been hearing shit, like pipes knocking in our pellet stove in the living room as if someone is hitting it. And I heard someone messing with the screen door out front. When I was just out there I thought I heard my name being whispered a couple of times and I'm pretty sure there is something out there. I take my flip knife out.

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Thanks. I got about 4.5 hours of sleep and I think that helped. I feel a little better, but exhausted and foggy. I don't recall if my mind was racing and I haven't been awake long enough to know now. I'm thinking a bit, but I've only been up for 15 or so minutes, so who knows.

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I'm glad you rescheduled your tdoc appointment for Tuesday. 

 

I have been feeling similarly to you lately. Not so much wanting to cut and kill myself, but feeling unmotivated to shower, not really wanting to leave the house and stuff like that. 

 

I think what helps me most is some practical things, like showering the night before I have to go out. Then I don't feel pressure to shower and get all ready the day of. As well, laying my clothes out the night before gets me kind of mentally prepared to leave the next day. 

 

You are not a freak or worthless in any way, Exl. Lots of people have felt like you do. You are not the first and you won't be the last. Try to take care of yourself, and that includes trying to keep a gentle commentary in your head. 

 

For now, do what you need to do to keep on going. Sleep, eat, take your meds, shower, get some sunlight and talk to someone. Take it day by day. I think you'll feel a lot better if you are able to take your meds regularly as well. 

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To be honest, if I feel so out of it I don't want to shower for the pdoc, I don't shower, but go to the appt. anyway. Not wanting to shower is an indicator of what is going on with you. In the 90s, when I was incredibly depressed (or mixed, probably; they didn't think BP2 patients could be mixed back then), I was seeing my pdoc 3 times a week, and showering was not a priority. In fact, he said my only priority should be getting to my appts, no matter how dirty I was.

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