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I'm too fragile


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My mental stability is tenuous. I'm like flat lined then dive very low in seconds. My mind is a little jumpy and occupied by death. I keep getting visions of cutting my wrist and putting it behind me while on the couch and letting myself bleed out while I sit here under my blanket. A box knife disappeared (my dad is building stuff in the garage so he probably picked it up) and that made me sad. I just keep seeing myself hurting myself and I feel myself going from "I don't want to live" to "I want to die."

Idk what to do. It took a lot to post this. I don't trust this anymore.

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I commend you for posting when you are feeling so fragile. It can be really hard to reach out, yet you are. Perhaps a call to your pdoc or tdoc tomorrow might help things. In the meanwhile, distracting yourself from thoughts of hurting yourself might help. I know how scary it can be to go from passive thoughts of dying to active thoughts of actually killing yourself. If you are in danger of an attempt, please go to the ER. I am thinking of you and wishing you well.

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Thank you guys for your words. Just to be clear, since I'm not the most active member lately, I'm not a child, and am 32yo. I've simply never moved out because I'm too fucking nuts to live on my own. And I'd be dead within a month.

I'm tired of life. I just fucking HATE it. Once a distraction goes away, madness is immediately there. It's just being covered up, not alleviated. It never goes away. It's as present as my shadow. Always there, even at those moments when you can't see it. I want to "disappear" and let me end that way, so no one is ever affected by my death. I don't want to hurt people. I want peace. I don't understand why I'm not allowed to have that.

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I swear, do not call the police on me. I'm going to my pdoc on Tuesday.

See. I feel like I've said something wrong and that you guys are gonna start drama here and my mom will get scared. She's fragile. She's like a kid bcuz of her brain damage from the heart attack and stroke. And my dad will just act like I'm an inconvenience to him. GOD.

Please don't like flip out and call people on me. I'm sorry.

Ok. Yeah. I'm just depressed. I just want to be ok.

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Unless someone knows you personally or posted your street address or something (which I hope you didn't for general internet safety), there is no way for anyone here on this site to know where you live in order to come over or even call the police.  

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Good.

I feel safer posting here. Maybe. No.

God. My paranoia will not let me calm down. I want to like set fire to this thread. I feel like I have crazy written all over me. You know the other day I made a joke about me having a kid and my dad said something about how any kid I had would be nuts. He was trying to be funny so I laughed along with my friend and godsons 16yo cousin. But there was truth in that. People know I'm nuts. What the fuck is the point of my life? There is none. I am a fucking waste if skin goddamn it.

Oh, I forgot. No I can't and will never talk to my mom about my mental health issues. She's too fragile mentally and physically.

Edited by exl2398
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This sounds really difficult.  I'm sorry you're suffering.  Keep up the good fight, though.  I get shit from my family for being crazy, too... Don't let it get to you.  There are worse things than being crazy.  

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We don't call the police on folks. We don't call anyone. What would we say? Someone that we don't know the real name of, that lives somewhere on this planet, may possibly be a danger to themselves. Whoever we called would laugh themselves silly. 

 

Take care of yourself. If you are a danger to yourself and can't be safe then go to the ER. If you can hang on until Tuesday then maybe you can get some help. If you can't wait until Tuesday call tomorrow if you can wait. If you can't wait, go to the ER now.

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It does sound like IP would be a good option for you.  Does the place you've been to three times offer therapy and group sessions?  Does your insurance cover it (if you have insurance).?  I know you don't want to discuss it with your dad, but you need some help.  Do they change your meds when you're IP?

 

I hope the visit with your pdoc goes well.  I would definitely talk about a med change.  Maybe something for anxiety.

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Is your diabetes under control? It is difficult to be mentally stable when physical conditions are not. Just as it is nearly impossible to be physically stable when mental stability is not available.

 

Having double-trouble chronic conditions to master is no easy feat, however at least a modicum of control over each condition is necessary to gain a plateau where stability is possible.

 

Best wishes for a solution that is conducive to stability in every aspect of your life...

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I just stared at my phone number and didn't recognize it for a minute.

My brain is useless. I will never be what I was before I got swallowed hardcore by this fucking disease.

I graduated from college ranked 6th in my class. I can't remember shit. I don't understand the arguments I made then anymore. I am a loser. Hell, I'm barely a remnant of a scrap of a shadow of what I was. I'm a waste. I am a failure at life. "Epic fail", as they say. I want to just like cut all my skin off. I'm showing a happy side in real life and on Facebook, but the only thing I got going for me right now is that I'm losing weight, but my tdoc thinks I'm being unhealthy about it, says I have an eating disorder. I do everything wrong. He's full of shit, though. I'm just eating healthy and less.

Fuck it. Fuck life. Fuck everything.

Edited by exl2398
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I just stared at my phone number and didn't recognize it for a minute.

My brain is useless. I will never be what I was before I got swallowed hardcore by this fucking disease.

I graduated from college ranked 6th in my class. I can't remember shit. I don't understand the arguments I made then anymore. I am a loser. Hell, I'm barely a remnant of a scrap of a shadow of what I was. I'm a waste. I am a failure at life. "Epic fail", as they say. I want to just like cut all my skin off. I'm showing a happy side in real life and on Facebook, but the only thing I got going for me right now is that I'm losing weight, but my tdoc thinks I'm being unhealthy about it, says I have an eating disorder. I do everything wrong. He's full of shit, though. I'm just eating healthy and less.

Fuck it. Fuck life. Fuck everything.

Hey, you're not a failure, you said you lost 80lbs and you graduated 6th in your college class! Those are huge achievements. I wasn't even able to finish college due to my illness and I'm still about 80lbs away from where I want to be. And I don't want to sound like I'm minimizing how you feel, since I'm feeling very similar at the moment, and it's awful for sure. I just wanted to point out the things that I see that you've been successful in.

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