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Feel like Something terrible had to have happened to you?


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I don't understand my depression. I don't understand why I am the way I am. I feel like something terrible had to have happened to me. I am really creepy.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? I'm wondering what could have caused me to feel and become so miserable. I don't understand why i don't just enjoy things like a normal person. Why I interact the way I do.

 

I am working on accepting myself as I am. But it's difficult. There's so much of me that I don't like.

 

Something has to have gone terribly wrong. But I also suspect that knowing the root cause of all of it might not be liberating.

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It's normal to wonder why we feel the way we do or why we are the way we are. We look for a cause. I've exhausted myself time and time again looking for my cause. How long has this been going on? Did one day recently you just woke up feeling this way or have you been like this for a long time?

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I remind myself (sometimes by repeating it over and over) that this is an illness just like any other chronic illness.  I am going to have symptoms (that suck hard) and I have to take medication to keep the symptoms under control.  

 

You didn't do anything wrong and you don't deserve this.  It is just a shitty role of the dice that you were born with this illness.  

 

Sometimes it makes me feel better to call it what it is and try to ride out the wave of symptoms.  Sometimes nothing I do helps.  But you have to know that you did nothing to deserve this.

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I feel like ass today too! AWESOME.

 

I actually recently came to the conclusion that my life has been far too easy for me so Bipolar was thrown in there. And everything that's been wrong with me for as long as I can remember. Bipolar makes life HARD at times. Sometimes I get a long break, sometimes it hits me hard enough that I realize there's no way I can do this for the rest of my life.

 

And other times I think "Life: COME AT ME, BRO" and that I can handle it.

 

Today I can't handle it.

 

I want to add that I'm not religious or spiritual so the thought I posted above about my reasoning for why I have this illness makes absolutely no sense with my lack of beliefs so I am terribly confused by that, ha ha. WHATEVER. Just some random thought that won't leave my mind recently. Probably a coincidence.

 

Yet, I never really feel like life is difficult enough for me. Don't know why that is either.

 

Hang in there, man. And everyone. This will pass. It truly will. Probably not forever but it will pass.

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It soothes me to think there is no reason or purpose for my illness.  Nobody is behind the curtains deciding to torture me with mania or depression.  There's no force out there that decides who lives or dies.  There's just *this*, right now, *us*, that's it.  That is much more soothing than thinking somebody randomly decides who to torture/kill/disfigure.  Since this is it, nothing after, nothing before, it's in my best interest to make it the best *now* I can.  If I fail, nobody is judging me but me.  

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^^ I like that one better, ha ha.

 

I still take everything as it comes and don't feel sorry for myself. Quite the opposite on regular days. On occasion I do, everyone probably does. I really try not to though. I'm not angry that this happened to me. I accept it. There probably is NO reason and I don't like/get the fact that I'm entertaining the thought that there might be, if any of this makes sense at all.

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Sometimes, it would be great to blame someone.  A potato, the hypnotoad, beautiful pink elephants...   I would love to stop beating up on myself about things and find some other existential whatchit to blame instead.  Sometimes I do things and they're my fault but it would be lovely to say the great potato in idaho decided that I would do that for my own good or bad or whatever.  Just what I think.

 

This summer I've had a ton of 'feel sorry for myself' days.  :/

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Genetics can be a factor. Your brain isn't wired right, sometimes. You're one of the chosen few! But you're also probably more intelligent than the average. (Here, you can have this awesome trait.... have some bipolar disorder to even it out!)

 

My dad is bipolar... I wonder why. It's not worth wondering why, focusing on the past. You can't change it. Best to move ahead. Easier said than done, I know. Trust me, I still think about it. A lot of old school therapists would work on finding the root of the cause so much they'd never really help much.. they'd make it worse.. Focusing on the now is the "in thing" now. It's best to treat now, and move on with a condition like bipolar. Going into the past helps sometimes, but its rarely just one thing. There are many factors.

 

They really don't know at the time one cause.

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