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Even after 8 years of living with bipolar im still having a hard time coping with things.

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 I wish didnt feel so alone and like such an asshole as a struggle with my mental illness daily..I wish I was normal!I guess as in normal I mean being able to understand my emotions and control my thoughts and actions.i have days where I can't get off the couch and do normal things as make myself food and shower.i could be perfectly fine one day and the next my world is crashing around me and I'm crying over peanut butter.the worst is when someone's like "what's wrong with you?why are you crying you were perfectly fine an hour ago" and I have no answer because I don't even know or understand.It's just hard especially with people who don't have a mental illness or haven't lived with me or known me for years.im considered lazy or dramatic or an attention whore and when I try to explain that I'm truly sorry and I don't know what happened and it was out of my control it's considered "excuses for unacceptable behavior".
When I'm having a "bad bipolar day" ill snap at the tinyest thing and say and do unexplainable and horrible things but it's like I'm out of body and watching myself say and do these horrible things and can't stop and once it's done I just wanna crawl in a ball and hide.
even my close friends and  my boyfriend of a year,Cory..they try so hard to understand and be patient but in reality people who don't suffer from it won't.In subway one day I started a stupid fight with Cory and ended up shutting down and had a freak out and embarrassed Cory he didn't said a word to me for an hour.so even close people who know won't understand it's just so hard to watch yourself push away people against your own will.

Edited by Empiah
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I too have been struggling with bipolar since I was a teenager, but only got diagnosed when I was 19-ish, (about 13 years ago now) and I totally understand how bloody hard it can be. 


Do you have a GP, Psychiatrist or a Therapist or a counselor you can talk to? I personally have found medications to be a great help (though it's a pain in the arse trying the med-go-round- to see which one is the best for you) as well as having someone professional to talk to about how I'm dealing (or not dealing)


Close friends help too, though it's hard when you hurt them and they push you away because of your behaviour, or you push them away (been there and done that).


I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone :)


Oh & welcome to CB :)

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Ugh, I feel your pain...I was diagnosed when I was a teenager but only first had a psychotic episode about five years ago.  It can really be the pits; my emotions are so extreme sometimes I don't know how to react to myself.  Sometimes I get so scared this illness will take my life, but I promised myself that I would fight everyday to make sure that doesn't happen, which comforts me a little.   Are you taking any meds?


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