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This is kind of a vent I guess... 

 

Been depressed as long as I can remember but lately it's worse than it's ever been. Pretty sure I know one of the causes... I started Abilify about two months ago (started at 2mg) and I think it really helped, more or less... probably went from a 1 or 2 to maybe a 4 or 5; took the edge off I guess but I wouldn't say I felt happy at all... but less hopeless.

 

I temporarily lost my insurance and with the insane price of Abilify I couldn't afford it so went off it about 2 weeks ago... wow; I'm not sure I was this bad before. Maybe not withdrawals, maybe just returning to my previous state... I don't remember. I'm never very good at monitoring my own symptoms, especially if it involves remembering what I used to feel like and comparing it to now. I know some things have gotten worse... teeth grinding and muscle tension for one--the teeth thing is so bad my jaw aches, I seem to also bite my tongue in my sleep and rub my tongue on the roof of my mouth so that it's sore as hell too; and I grind and clench during the day which I don't usually do. And other "tic" kinds of things... yesterday a friend at work said, "Why do you keep squinting all the time?" I just said I don't know :( It's not totally involuntary, I can stop it if I try but only for a second and then it starts again.

 

I'm "hopeful" that I can get back on it within a week or so; I know I should be patient and take consolation in that, but when every minute is a waking hell and I just stare at the clock... seems like an eternity. 

 

The apathy and hopelessness are so hard. Between taking care of my toddler, working at night, and taking classes, I have almost no time... the house is disgusting and when I do have any "free" time I just sit there, crying, staring at the mess. Sometimes I'll start to clean for a minute, or do homework, or something else I should do, then immediately just say "who cares" and wallow some more.

 

I'm aware of a lot of little things I could do... get more sleep, exercise, complete small tasks supposedly to gain momentum; but I just can't muster the strength. The little task thing annoys me... it's supposed to make you feel accomplished even if it's in a small way, but I never feel that way. It seems like it took so much effort to just do that that instead of being inspired I just feel tired and even more intimidated by realizing I have so much more to do.

 

Sometimes I feel like I don't want to really get better... I shoot down any strategy to help; I feel like I do have a lot of barriers... getting more sleep isn't really an option, for example. Maybe I'm just making excuses, I don't know. 

 

So I guess I don't really know why I'm posting, just a vent I guess... I'd ask for advice, but I have a feeling I'd find another reason why it won't work :(

 

And yes, I'm getting help... seeing a new pdoc and therapist, although couldn't get an appointment for weeks. 

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It sounds like you are doing a lot to fight this, even though it may not feel that way.  Being a parent, going to school and work is A LOT to have on your plate in addition to struggling with a MI.

 

One thing I would suggest is to do something your find enjoyable.  Forget the house for a little while.  What things bring you pleasure?  Is there a tv show you really like?  Do you like to do "crafty" stuff?  Take a long soak in the tub?  Find some things that bring you pleasure and do them.

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Talk to your PDocs (nurse clinic whatever that doesn't count as a $visit)   Tell them about your insurance.   My daughter takes abilify (Thank GOD!) and her PDoc let us have samples to hold us over.  

 

*Her insurance is coming back up next month.

 

Also - if your uninsured go to the drug's website.   My wife lost hers for a while and the company that made her drug sent 4 months worth to us.

 

Talk to someone about insurance.  Its a disaster to live with this crap and not have it.   We asked for help and a lady from the county sent us all the forms (and told us what to do) for a program we didn't understand well enough to get her on it.

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This is kind of a vent I guess... 

 

A great example of a blog entry. Have you considered joining the blogging community here on CB? The ability to "vent" and receive support is broader than the questions asked & responded to that is the norm here on the forums.

I urge you to investigate that resource and join in!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Clmber47 I think you are putting up a great deal of effort in self survival. This is not easy stuff that we are dealing with and so few people outside of those of us who suffer along have any inkling. That you are managing to keep up with your kids and work is in and of itself amazint. Give yourself a big pat on the back for that. I so understand the apathy. There have been more moments in my life than I care to count that If it weren't for needing to let the dog out of the house there are some mornings I don't think I'd bother to crawl out from under the covers. Even as an avid reader ( addicted to reading) there have been times when it was totally unappealing. Recently I have rediscovered cross-stitch and have been stitching up a storm. It has given me a sense of productive creativity and accomplishment that has helped get me through my recent situation. As far as the house is concerned........

I have to ask the question if any of us who are not suffereing with OCD have a neat and tidy house? I doubt it.

 

Keep fighting the good fight. You are a Star and we are your cheering section. :)

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