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Having difficulty accepting I might have PTSD


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Ok, so I'm nervous to even try to type this out, I'll try to be short and make sense. My first therapist was when I was only 10 years old, because the therapist singled me out of a family therapy thing and said I was depressed, so my guess is that I had issues before this therapist we were supposed to be seeing about my brother pointed to me instead.

 

I guess my point is, something was wrong early on which leads to my thoughts about being verbally and emotionally abused by my father. I don't remember very much from my childhood, but my earliest memories are nightmares I had about my dad. I remember the nightmares, but nothing else about the "abuse". I just know I feel when there's any sort of confrontation at all or perceived confrontation or perceived yelling. I feel small and terrified, like a frightened child, and I shut down, panic, want to die.

 

 

And my mom, who is a social worker, always used to ask if anyone ever hurt me when I was a teenager because my behavior was that of an abuse victim, I think she now realizes it was her husband, my father, because she apologized for it and said she was trying to protect herself. I still have a horrible  memory in general, both long term and short term and I don't know if I should attribute some of it to abuse.

 

 

Also, my cousin was sexually molested by our grandmother's neighbor that we both spent time at, and we're the same age. We used to go over there together and she remembers being abused by him, but I barely remember being there. She says when we were little that she told me about and I seemed surprised so she doesn't think anything happened to me but I don't remember any of this. I don't remember most things in my life, I feel like a non-person since I have so few memories.

 

 

Anyway, a confirming thing about my dad being abusive and me having PTSD is recently I went to his house and I was only there maybe 30 seconds and he screamed so I left and engaged in some self-injurious behavior. I don't know how to process this, when I read symptoms of PTSD a lot of it fits me. I've never been diagnosed with it before, but it's starting to fill in a big piece of my problems, like maybe my codependency is related too. Like, the fear of rejection?

Edited by vacillate_wildly
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PTSD gives the nightmares added to regular people aligned with simply having been yelled at allot. My thought is that what the heck else was a kid to look like he felt though at 10 in same kind of house, I know, my act got me all I ever did never want to be. I did have rather active dream cycles that made me cling to bed as I recall in early mornings, before then I was up hours ahead because I had the house to myself as my Father slept and the other unmanaged unmanageable 's weren't lively. They have the success and I am the scapegoat they'll never pay the money  for that service as it was.

Things are if your scared easy, maybe never seems at all times but then the ones that cause deep wave into your body or cause fleeting loss to feeling in touch with surrounding, there's sweating, sleep sweats, sleep walking, extra sensitivity as if your going to be struck and will feel it before it hits you, Any way, those I had from the ongoing beatings from one who had it like a king and his gold he hoarded while fully denying he did have it, so there's some maybe there though.

Any way also there is some people do never believe it exists and then there is familiarizing yourself with what symptoms are by looking it up or asking your Doc and Psyche people for that info. Originally it was only a VET disease of war, known some times as shell shock maybe and other stuff years before post NAM psychiatry I guess or maybe in the 50's starting category developed.

Edited by Mr.Idle.McNothin'tado
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oh, gee, I messed up reply, yep, nightmares have branded the events, sounds right maybe. gee's, sorry, you may not need forgive and forget as much as not feel bad of stuff, that would be stuff that you could never had changed or controlled and then also any you in the end was blamed for and some that you may had been doing things because it was really a reaction to all things you go through at the time. I hope that's legible enough to understand my meaning in it some.

Not good to blame a Mom always either, they are guilty maybe when it is they are but there is room in it when its bad like that enough for why and how any one else may had reacted to things then too. No need if you'd out lived it all to go backwards and then not be able to take what there is in some apologies, really could help when that happened I guess too for you to.

Edited by Mr.Idle.McNothin'tado
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Thank you for your reply. There has been times when I've been frightened of people I don't know shouting at the mall and I've had to run the other way. I tremble.  

 

The thing that disturbs me about my memories of the nightmares is that even when I was little I knew the nightmares were about my dad and I was scared to ever mention them, but I don't remember the events that the nightmares arose from. And I know my mom did what she thought was best, but she eventually became somewhat neglectful herself, as in she stopped getting groceries and making food. I do need to learn to let go of what happened.

 

 

It's just difficult now that I'm facing a new reality of who I am, the reality about my past. I'm currently in an intensive outpatient program, and I think it's helping me realize what happened, so I'll ask my therapist when I go back to program on Thursday. 

Edited by vacillate_wildly
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That's cool, I think that at times with things I feel like this my therapy is about how I should live for the moment and stay current. They don't allow allot much of the times I dive into a past thought of memory and need say so but I know for myself that being current in thoughts in time for what's around me is also just that I am comfortable and that I am a participant in life and doing what I want. I know those distractions have their own moments to take advantage and rule over what I am doing, that's not good, that's something when healing is not to go that far into thinking when it is I am doing what's now and for the time current. They fudge me on that I never do talk for things they maybe do not want to hear, there are ways to talk it out and then keep a limit to how much it is part to conversations, there are people who understand things at all levels, you know, some have a grip on one way they see it is and others as they know it to be, the one better to think it over is some one cares and knows maybe and could be a worker or professional.

haha, I am a pro too, well not that I work on it for other's, from fighting my battles on stuff maybe though. Lots of luck coming up with newly knowing a diagnosis, take advantage of what's known of this for others and those listed features to see where you stand for you in it and where to make sense for it all after.

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Hey, I guess it must be ruff to when not fully knowing what happened, I think you may have to accept the parts you'll likely never include in what's to be found of that too, but, it may help to know enough when that is it can be. You gotta live for you and not allot for other's when these things rule the time in thinking to much or for when it does become the problem, you may be better later after all.

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