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How on earth does one on the spectrum manage the feelings of sadness/stress/fear for an ill loved one while another healthy grief stricken family member demands help and attention?

 

My grama is very ill, and my mom is reasonably quite upset, but unreasonably sending me very very frightening and alarmist messages to drop my entire day and plans and life because she's practically dead- oh, wait, we're going for lunch. Or- oh, wait, she just really needs fluids but she'll probably be okay. I've talked with her about it, but I doubt she really gets it at all or why it isn't okay to do that.

 

Any stories/theories/impressions about asd and dealing with grief? A time full of stress compounded by an increased social pressure?

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In general with what little I know so far, I've just seen that we should be prepared to process grief in perhaps rather different and even longer ways than others who are not on the spectrum.

 

I'm not the greatest person to ask because all my previous instances of dealing with this were before my diagnosis and I just generally... couldn't handle the constant stress and pressure, so I went off to handle it in my own ways instead.  I don't cry at funerals either (I can get very teary and emotional with things, even in front of other people or in public, but I don't cry at funerals.  I don't see the point.  It can be awkward though.)

 

You say that you've talked with her about it which was going to be my suggestion.  I try to be very very direct and clear in my communications about what I'm intending -- when you are alarmed because it feels like she's passing away right this moment, and then it turns out we're just going for lunch, it dysregulates me in a completely unworkable way, could we please try to find a different structure to work this out?  I think that her sense of immediacy and need is what is setting off your alarm bells in situations which are not, as you perceive, so drastically immediate?  When you spoke did you try to point out what you personally view as immediate or not?  Is she capable of recognizing that she's feeling like everything is utterly vital this very instant and likewise?  Are you two interpreting this differently -- is that what you're saying?  That she is approaching it like "every second is precious" and you only want to be presented with immediacy and urgency if her situation is truly dire?  Because if I am having communication problems, I try a new approach to get my meaning across.  Otherwise, sorry, I'm at a loss.

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I am not quite sure the question you are asking? I tried answering the two questions below the best I knew how.

 

I've talked with her about it, but I doubt she really gets it at all or why it isn't okay to do that.

 

Having a ill parent to which her time with you is uncertain, I wonder if your mother is sending you crossed messages on purpose; or rather she is confused herself on what is exactly happening and texting you how she feels instead of the actual facts (which is kind of expected for an NT).

 

Any stories/theories/impressions about asd and dealing with grief? A time full of stress compounded by an increased social pressure?

 

Honestly, many people deal with grief differently and not just people with ASD. Some people get angry, some people get emotional, some people get quiet, some people don't react at all. I think it also depends on how you were raised, who is the one who passed, the closeness of that person, as well as the ASD or other disability.

 

For me, I like to fully assess the situation by taking a step back, and taking in little by little so I then can see the whole picture. Otherwise, there is just too much information & stimuli to process (what is going on & what it means) correctly.

 

As for the social pressure I almost don't notice it, practically oblivious. Most of the people in my family know I can not take hints. So if they want me to say or do something regarding to their grieving (or showing mine), they know to actually tell me. For the people who do not know me or understand me? Well, I really don't know what to say. However its not my responsibility to make them feel better about my grieving, or help them grieve.

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