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What keeps you going?


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I am currently in a really hard depressive episode. Everything that once shined is dull and dark. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I feel alone, apathetic, and withdrawn from everything around me.

 

I feel as though I am in the middle of a dark foggy forest. Lost, cold, and alone.

 

My euphoric manic episodes are gold compared to this.

 

My question is, what keeps you going? The highs and the lows...they get really old. Couldn't imagine a life without it, its all I know...it is just getting old.

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I don't have any suggestions because nothing keeps me going. Everything seems meaningless and my life feels void and hopeless.

 

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this battle.

 

Edit; I know I was being super pessimistic in my post. Actually, my cat and my BF keep me going right now. And the idea that MAYBE someday I can actually enjoy life and be comfortable in my own skin.

Edited by surreal
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I've worked like heck to survive up until now, and I am motivated by a desire to make that effort mean something.  I guess, deep down, there is some tiny part of me that holds out hope for a more stable life without so much suffering.  It's hard to see through the fog, I know. 

 

I created a thread a while back on the depression board about the "little things" that keep people going.  Feel free to check it out if you are interested.  Sometimes those little things are all we have in the moment, and that is okay.

 

Reading and thinking of you.

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My mum and, much more, my cat. My cat has a strong affection toward me, and she doesn't share that attachment with anyone else despite living with my mum. It is difficult on her when I'm in the hospital for a week or two, I can't imagine how difficult it would be for her if I were dead. My mum, she lost my dad when I was just a baby, never remarried, doesn't date, isn't connected to her own sisters or other family members, I'm all she has and losing me would, I think, cause her to give up herself. Neither of these stop me from feeling the urge to commit suicide, and it didn't stop my one impulsive attempt, but it helps me hang on for longer than if I didn't have these reasons which, sometimes, is long enough for my medication to kick in or for somebody to swoop me up and stick me somewhere safe.

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Going to the computer to find email., going on CB and other sites.

 

Walking in the morning.

 

Music.

 

The people I care about in my life who surprise me with things (NOT surprise parties, just little things).

 

Watching Days of Our Lives.

 

Looking forward to my early mornings awake with everyone else around here asleep.

 

On-line shopping, when I have the money to do so.

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This weekend has been rough. I feel like I don't want to go on anymore. Part of what keeps me going is my dogs. A similar reason to discomposed's one. 

 

Recently a rat died under the floorboards in my room, which is seperate to the main house. Normally, I live in there, with the three dogs (Dalmation, Papillon and Border Collie), which aren't allowed in the main house. They sit on the couch with me during the day, sleep on my bed at night, play on the floor when I do yoga.  I spoil them I guess. I rely on them a lot for company and support. 

Anyway, I've been living in the main house, because the dead rat has stunk out my room. The dogs are really distressed, mainly the Dal, which is mine, the others belong to other family members. He gets so excited when I fetch something from my room, hoping that I'm moving back in there and looks so sad when I walk out again. It's breaking my heart and I've considered breaking my mothers "no dogs in the house rule". 

 

I just think, how could I abandon him permanently, when it affects him so much to just spend less time with him for a few days. Maybe I've spoiled him, but I think if I die now, I don't think anyone will care for him the way I have again. He'll never have another close relationship with a human. He will get walked and fed every day but other than that, he'll be out of sight and out of mind.

 

I was looking at what ropes we have yesterday, but I'm not going to do anything. Not now. There's a point one reaches where you feel so bad that all consideration of others goes out the window. I'm not so foolish to think I'll never be there again. But I'm not quite there right now, so I'll go on, while I have the strength to.

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This weekend has been rough. I feel like I don't want to go on anymore. Part of what keeps me going is my dogs. A similar reason to discomposed's one. 

 

Recently a rat died under the floorboards in my room, which is seperate to the main house. Normally, I live in there, with the three dogs (Dalmation, Papillon and Border Collie), which aren't allowed in the main house. They sit on the couch with me during the day, sleep on my bed at night, play on the floor when I do yoga.  I spoil them I guess. I rely on them a lot for company and support. 

Anyway, I've been living in the main house, because the dead rat has stunk out my room. The dogs are really distressed, mainly the Dal, which is mine, the others belong to other family members. He gets so excited when I fetch something from my room, hoping that I'm moving back in there and looks so sad when I walk out again. It's breaking my heart and I've considered breaking my mothers "no dogs in the house rule". 

 

I just think, how could I abandon him permanently, when it affects him so much to just spend less time with him for a few days. Maybe I've spoiled him, but I think if I die now, I don't think anyone will care for him the way I have again. He'll never have another close relationship with a human. He will get walked and fed every day but other than that, he'll be out of sight and out of mind.

 

I was looking at what ropes we have yesterday, but I'm not going to do anything. Not now. There's a point one reaches where you feel so bad that all consideration of others goes out the window. I'm not so foolish to think I'll never be there again. But I'm not quite there right now, so I'll go on, while I have the strength to.

 

I'm sorry you were feeling bad enough to look at ropes, Mcjimjam. I just want to second Melissa, that I am also glad you're around. Keep on going, you can do it. And pet your dogs for me. :)

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