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I have social phobia, but I think part of the reason I have trouble with relationships is because I'm humiliated by my biological sex. I feel hostile and defensive whenever it comes up. Even if I say "thanks, have a good day" to the person running the gas station register, and they say back "you, too (courteous gendered pronoun)," it makes my hair stand up. It's not the only obstacle to relationships and social functioning, but it's a big one.

I feel isolated and crappy. I hate my body, and it makes me hate people who have no problem with it. I know body hate is a symptom, but when I've read research I haven't found anything on hostility. Is it just because the dysphoria is mixed with social phobia? Or do some of you others have this too? I have a feeling there's a lot of therapy involved in this topic, but right now I feel totally alone.

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I don't doubt that would feel awful when people say that to you. You don't feel comfortable in your biological sex, they think they're being polite.. I wish people would cut the "sir" and "ma'am" crap. (I get called "sir" sometimes. I just ignore it) 


I'm pretty sure there are others here that can relate. I have friends in real life that can. I don't see why hostility woudln't be a symptom.


A good therapist experienced with gender issues will help. Finding those with similar issues can too. Those in the LGBT community can be a tremendous help. I find it open, and welcoming. I go to an LGBT bar, don't have to drink (although $4 martini Thursday IS tempting, I stick to the Shirley Temples), we dance, have fun, most open place, gender neutral bathrooms, nobody judges, everybody is so much friendlier. 


You aren't alone. You just haven't found others that can relate. There are so many out there. There is so much more than "male" and "female". It's not that cut and dry binary. I'll let more experienced people jump in now..

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I can get really frustrated and irritable with people who have "no problem" with my body as it is.  This has since changed a bit for me, but... well here.

I get feelings of hostility (which I keep to myself) when I am constantly "ma'am"ed and "miss"ed and so forth, I know these people are being courteous and some jobs even insist that you have to say such things as sir/ma'am to customers.  But it's constant and it's a constant reminder that the world doesn't see me for who I am, it's a constant reminder that my body isn't the way that it should be, it's a constant reminder of my dysphoria which I do my very best to alleviate as much as I can, it's a jarring pull back to a reality that isn't my subjective reality.


I know these people don't know, or mean their best, or hell the ones who do know but forget.  This is why I keep it to myself.  But I think the hostility, the anger, the frustration, I think it is normal for some of us.  Because you are constantly hearing reminders every single day, all day, continuously, that you are not a "real" whatever gender you identify as.  Because you are constantly being reminded about the body parts you need changed (if that lies within your future.)  These people, even the ones who you are Out to, they don't know or understand or fully realize that this is what they are doing when they misgender us.  To the ones who we are Out to, they are having their own struggle of trying to remember, and if they care they don't want to hurt us, but they are anxious about getting it right, and they are hurt or afraid if we let loose our hostility and frustration because they don't understand.  Perhaps they have been hurt, or perhaps not, by being misgendered themselves.  But they don't understand what it's like to be constantly misgendered, all day, every day, to have that pain connected to how we feel about our bodies brought up again and again and again.


For me the pain is the same regardless of the intent of the person who misgenders me.  The ones who don't know, and the ones who are honestly trying and correct themselves, I keep most of my pain and reactions to myself.  This is a personal choice.  The ones who become, obviously, intentionally, misgendering... whether they get how deeply it pains me or not (maybe they just know it to be a way to get a rise out of trans people,) I am far less likely to be so patient.


Maybe it's not the same for you, but.  For me, each noticed misgendering is like the stabbing of a deep pin or thorn.  And so many people, they don't realize they are stabbing me with this thorn.  And some realize that it hurts me in some way, even if they don't get how much, or maybe they get that it's like a thorn.  But they don't conceptualize how I get stabbed with these thorns everywhere, from almost everyone, every single day.  That would make MANY people hostile, after a while, you know?  Despite us all having our own tolerances.


And some trans people, pronouns and gendered terms, it's not as big a deal for them.  And that's normal.  And for some of us it's a bigger deal.  And for some it's an incredibly wounding pain every time.  As awful as that is, it's normal too.  It's normal for us to have varying responses to this kind of thing.  Or to respond differently at different times.  For me, it is a wounding pain, but my attention deficit disorder can frequently lead to me not noticing, which is a blessing.  And I have already described my choices regarding if I show my anger and pain and frustration.  For me, the pain leads to hostility.  It feels natural.  It is.  But I have personally decided that I can't lash out at everyone.  Others need a more strict safer space that they remain in for much longer, and that's okay too, though it can be more difficult to achieve.  I have my safer spaces, safer people.

I've personally come to... experiences with others who're okay with my body, as it currently is, and I am not hostile to them.  But they treat me as the person I really am, and we work (in adult/sexual situations) with what I've got.  They're gay and they treat me like a guy, despite being pre-hormones and everything else.  That's the change I meant.  They give me space to still work with my dysphoria, like, I still bind my chest pretty much all of the time.  But anyway.  That's different.  Or, rather, they are some of the safer people, who create safer spaces, that I have in my life.  It took me a long time to get here.  And not all trans people can hit this w/o some kind of satisfaction from hormones or surgeries.  And some trans people are asexual.  And that's all normal too.


But your hostility when misgendered?  Oh, I know that well.  And I think many trans people do as well.  It's just, we're supposed to be so understanding to those who don't know, or who do know but are trying.  And I don't mean to prioritize that in my post, because yeah.  A lot of times if the hostility is talked about, like I've done throughout my post here, there's always these caveats to needing to understand those other people, and they don't know, and they're trying, and blah blah blah...


But the constant pain of dysphoria and humiliation and everything else, leading to hostility?  I hear you.  Oh how I hear you.  You're really not alone on that one.  I've made my own peace and concessions with it, but I still explode sometimes.  I'm not saying you have to draw the line where I do.

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Thanks, each of you, for understanding and relating your own stories. It helps to know this isn't just bad manners or ingratitude. That's what it feels like to me when I feel this way.

I've only talked to my psych and therapy doctors about this. My family doesn't know, and I have no friends or confidants. Being involved in the LGBT community here would be beneficial. I will get there. I'm not sure where or how to start, though. Socializing terrifies me, and I'm not sure where to start. I know how odd that must seem. I'm working on the social phobia and paranoia too. Knowing people who understand would be a great idea. I need remedial human interaction class. :)

I don't say anything about the misidentification. No one knows yet, so it's unfair to be short with people. I'm preparing to come out to family, at least, in the hope that that will give me a safe space. That assumes my family accepts it, which they may not, but if nothing else, it'll be a starting place.

The misgendering, and having to keep it secret, is like a pain. I agree. It's like being slapped in the chest hard enough to stop my stride. It's a complicated mix of hurt, anger at them and the situation, humiliation and anger with myself, and being afraid to state my position. Hell, I don't even want to admit my biological sex here, because I don't want it to contaminate my identity. The allure of not having to deal with being gendered is part of what coaxed me here in the first place.

Being afraid of people doesn't help. I've been thinking I've been hostile because I'm too afraid to say anything. I hate confrontation, and I don't handle attention well at all. I get frustrated that I'm too afraid to stand up for myself and demand that space. It's like being trapped in a small room with someone I really hate, only I'm locked in with myself and I'm the one who's locking the door. It's enough to make me tear my hair out.

I appreciate the help, and the assurances that I'm not on my own with this. Thanks.

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