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Feeling triggered

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I've already been feeling a little more anxious and depressed than usual lately, although I've had some triggers where it makes sense I would be feeling so.

Yesterday, I was emotionally "pushed" a little further. I was nervous because I had to drive to my dbt class in the dark, and had to take an unfamiliar route due to a major road blocked for construction. I actually left earlier on account of that. When I left my house and turned the corner, there was an ambulance and fire truck blocking my route out of my neighborhood. Ok fine. I went around to avoid that block altogether. I'm back on track but then 5-7 minutes later when I get ready to make my turn the whole friggen road is blocked off. Ambulances, fire trucks, police were rerouting cars. By now I'm like "what the f!". So I make a u turn following other cars. I pull into nearest gas station hyperventilating. If it would've been raining I would've just gone home at this point. But it wasn't. I called dh upset. He redirected me and had to stay on the phone the entire time until I was confident where I was going. I finally made it to class just a few min late (even though I planned on being early for once). Luckily, there was no problem solving for my lateness since it was time to fill out our usual monthly sheets regarding our rating of our emotions.

I was already emotional when I got there, crying, nervous, just wanting to be back home.

To make matters worse, I said something REALLY stupid after class. During class, tdoc gave us an example of how he used interpersonal effectiveness skills calling around town for tires. He was trying to make a point that he was being skillful, even though he didn't achieve any desired results. So after class, but IN FRONT OF HALF the class, I go right up to tdoc and start trying to sell him tires! I told him I could give him a number or my husband could find him tires. I know I asked if he wanted new or used tires..but I can't remember if I actually blurted out loudly "is this for your old or new car?" Omg. I could tell he became so uncomfortable. He had a look on his face like "wow, what?" And then he tried to end the hot mess of conversation I had initiated with distraction by saying "ok, um, so I'll see you at our next appointment, right?" Luckily I took that clue immediately, by saying "yes" and walking towards the door. Quickly..lol

I embarrassed myself! I embarrased tdoc! I usually don't say or do supremely stupid things like that (on a regular basis, anyway). Argh. Worse, I made it sound like dh was selling tires, when in fact he doesn't, he just knows where to get them and cheap (he's a mechanic and he always got our tires)

I tried leaving tdoc a simple message to call me back last night, but I think I might have embarrassed him, and he might be angry w me, because he hasn't called me. I see him tomorrow, but I want to apologize and get this off my chest now.

I feel extremely bad and stupid. I have had urges to drink already and after this happened, to cut. But I won't, because I definitely don't want to piss off tdoc or diss appoint him more, or make my own situation worse.

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I'm very impressed you persevered with the drive after all of those obstacles popped up, Teacup. I don't know that I would have been able to keep going on such a stressful drive. I hope you give yourself points that you successfully got to your dbt class. It's completely understandable that you would be flustered after that drive. You are being very hard on yourself about the tire conversation, I think. While it maybe felt awkward for both of you, I would hope that tdoc would understand that your motivations were good and you were just trying to help him out. Regardless, all of us say awkward things sometimes. I can totally see how you would feel triggered by the conversation on top of an already stressful night, but I hope you can try to be a little kind to yourself. You didn't do anything bad and you got yourself there despite all of the stuff that tried to get in your way.

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Thanks for validating the awkwardness of the situation of the conversation between me an tdoc.

It was very awkward, especially because of the way I presented the conversation.

Thank you for your compliment about making it to class. Part of me wonders if I deserve credit though because if it had been raining, I would have went home.

So I basically hear you telling me to be kind and gentle with myself? Thanks, and I have goals today to care for myself 1. Not to SH or drink 2. To practice being patience replacing deep breathing for urges to yell. 3. Eat regular meals and snacks.

I feel like I definitely owe an explanation/apology to tdoc. I don't know what else I can do. I just can't shake this feeling of stupid. It's really affecting my confidence right now in being able to "perform" or speak in front of people. I'm afraid to get to close to those I care for or want a friendship with. It's why I don't look harder for a job. Im not lazy. I want a job. I'm just not confident in my abilities. Staying home and not calling or talking to people seems much safer.

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Tdoc just called back. He said I had nothing to apologize for and he wanted to hear more about how to get tires when we meet tomorrow. It was just bad timing, but not inappropriate ness. But I think it is a good opportunity when we meet to talk about how I ruminate and allow fears to control my actions..or lack of action, and also to discuss more ways to practice being kind and gentle with myself.

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