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I've been thinking about asking to go IP or just showing up at the ER.

 

I'm struggling a lot with anger and intrusive thoughts about hurting myself constantly. It's really hard to get through the day. 

 

I'm not on any medications at the moment. I was started on Buspar a couple weeks ago but the side effects were too much for me (flu-like symptoms and brain zaps). I called the clinic where my pdoc works at to see about getting in to see her. But they told me that since I have missed a few appointments that I would have to do a walk-in appointment. That includes going in when the clinic opens and sitting in the waiting room until hopefully I can be seen or someone doesn't show up for their appointment. It makes me panic to even think about doing that. 

 

I feel stuck right now. I want help but it just seems like it's nearly impossible for me to get. The only way I could see myself getting the true amount of help I need is by being IP for some time. 

 

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That pdoc situation seems awful. My old pdoc worked kind of like that too, where i couln't miss appointments or i would have to reapply for the program i was in. But at least for me, missing appointments was a sign i was really having trouble and couldn't deal with life. So its a little messed up to basically punish people who might need help the most.

 

If you think IP would be beneficial, then I think you should go.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling stuck. I hope you can figure something out with your pdoc.

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Thanks natcat.

 

Yes, it really does suck. I do feel like I am being punished. I also agree with you that missing appointments is a sign that a person isn't doing well mentally. 

 

I want to call the clinic back and ask if there's any way they could make an exception for me but honestly that makes me want to panic too. I suck at talking on the phone effectively. 

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do you have access to a crisis team in your county, surreal?

 

They might be able to at least get you seen and help you determine if inpatient or something else would be best for now.

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I actually did find one that serves my area and upon finding it, I found I am now panicky. Wtf is wrong with me? It's obvious I want and need help. Am I too irresponsible and stupid that I can't even go forth with calling?

 

I think in a way my brain doesn't want me to get help because it wants me to die or hurt myself.

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Alright, I think I'm going to try to force myself to do a walk-in tomorrow morning. I will try and if I panic and turn around than at least I tried, right?

 

I get paid tomorrow any way, so I will be able to pick up meds if I am able to be seen.

Edited by surreal
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It's ok if you decide you don't want to go.

 

This is totally your call.

 

It's just that crisis services are often a more effective and more comfortable than trying to access help through the ER. Certainly more cost-effective.

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I've called the mobile crisis center before. They assessed me on the phone and decided I was safe for the time being, but would have come to my house if necessary. There is absolutely no shame in doing so. In fact, it could be seen as a big affirmation of yourself that you are willing to do something scary to save your life. Please call if you need to, and know that many other people have done the same thing, and things have gotten better for them. I know things will get better for you too. These things tend to go in cycles.

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My GP's nurse called me a few days ago and told me she was looking for a pdoc who takes my insurance who is not affiliated with the crappy clinic (I think because of insurance reasons). She has not called me back yet. But tomorrow, I am going to be calling her to ask for an update. If she hasn't found anyone, I'm going to tell her the truth: that I don't know how much longer I can stay safe and not impulsively do something really stupid to myself.

 

I am going to ask for a referral to the psychiatric hospital for in-patient evaluation if she doesn't think she can find me someone soon... especially since she said my GP is not comfortable adding more psyche meds or changing the Buspirone until I see a psychiatrist. So I am screwed right now.

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My GP's nurse called me a few days ago and told me she was looking for a pdoc who takes my insurance who is not affiliated with the crappy clinic (I think because of insurance reasons). She has not called me back yet. But tomorrow, I am going to be calling her to ask for an update. If she hasn't found anyone, I'm going to tell her the truth: that I don't know how much longer I can stay safe and not impulsively do something really stupid to myself.

 

I am going to ask for a referral to the psychiatric hospital for in-patient evaluation if she doesn't think she can find me someone soon... especially since she said my GP is not comfortable adding more psyche meds or changing the Buspirone until I see a psychiatrist. So I am screwed right now.

 

I'm so glad you'll be asking for an update on finding a new pdoc.  I think you are brave to let the nurse know how you are really doing; I've had to do that before too and it was nerve-wracking, but in the end I was glad I did it.  I was in hell and I just needed to get out.

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Thanks!

 

I just am hoping she did actually find someone and just hasn't had the chance to call back yet. I am SO anxious about all of this that I can't sleep at all tonight. Blah! I have nothing prn for anxiety right now and I really really need something. 

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